Idle Ramblings of an Astrotheorist

Fellowships and the New Pregnancy

2009-05-11T13:23:00.000-07:00

Michael and I applied for the same fellowship program and we were both accepted! So now we have a raise and I don't have to TA anymore. It's renewable after a year, as well. They didn't mind that I'm due to deliver in mid June, which was great. The summer is when there are most of the teaching duties, and that's where we have to work out logistics of taking care of Jamie and Renna (the new baby - a girl). It looks like with Mama and Michael's parents and sisters, we'll have child care covered for all 7 weeks if plan A doesn't work out. And actually, Michael's duties may end before mine, so then there'd be no conflict. :)

I had my committee meeting a week and a half ago, and they liked my thesis plan. It looks like I'll probably be able to graduate next fall. :)

I'm still working on the Betelgeuse paper, but that's really almost done. I'll be so glad to see the back end of this project!

Post-0p Check Up and More Happy Tears

2008-10-23T18:19:00.001-07:00

My boy generously giving Daddy his toy October 12th.

My boy and me watching Da Bears on September 28th.

September 25th, 2008

Wow. I haven't kept up with this blog very well. Jamie was released from the hospital on Thursday September 18th. For the whole story go over to my other blog. I was much better about updates over there. He has really done very well, and has even gained weight. He's now 20lbs 1oz! That is so much better! It's still not up to his pre-sick weight, but he looks healthy and seems healthy. We had his first post-op check up today. I left crying, I was so happy. They don't need to see him for a year, and Dr. West said there are no medical restrictions on his activities. Here we were, back in the hospital where my poor baby had tubes and blood and real risk of dying only a month ago, and they were telling me he was healthy and normal and could do anything. I'm still so relieved I can't stand it. I've been afraid they'd say there was something wrong. Going back there was great and terrible. Great because they saved him. Great because we took him home the first time. Great because we got to take him home again. Great because they told us he was perfect. Great because it reminded us of how wonderful the medical care is there. Terrible because I was reminded of my baby laying lifeless on a bed with tubes in him. Terrible because I was reminded of how we could have lost him. Terrible because it reminded me of my baby looking at me to save him and make all the bad things go away, and me being unable to fix it, even if I did get him the best care I could. Terrible because I know that just a few weeks ago at that very hospital, another little boy died after a few short weeks of life after surgery and pain. That hospital isn't full of only happy endings. But we got one, and I'm so grateful. All I can do now is thank God for letting our boy stay with us, thank everyone who prayed for us, and thank all the nurses and doctors for taking such good care of him, and thank Jamie for being such a resilient fighter and not giving up.

On an academic note, I'm working on getting that darn paper written up about the models I've been running on Betelgeuse. I've finished all 66 (yes, I did say 66!) models and will now begin the daunting task of graphing and combining models. Also, it looks like I'll be supported on RA next semester! So work is going very well, despite 3 weeks of frustration due to coding HELL. Seriously, HELL. Anyway. After this paper is out, I'll be working on the coding again. SIGH But, on the major upside, I'll be able to start a new project. More to come on that later. But a tantalizing hint: lots of data on binaries! :)

We're getting the house ready to sell it. The market really sucks, but our house is actually in great shape as compared with a lot of what's on the market, so I think it should sell in a few months at most. We have found a house we'd like to buy if it's still available when we get an offer on ours. It's only a few blocks away, is much larger, needs some work, but is livable and has fabulous potential. But if it's not on the market when we're ready to make an offer then we'll find something else and that's okay.

Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia

2008-09-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

So here is my Darling Boy. He had the stomach flu and just didn't stop vomiting. So I took him into the pediatrician and saw a new woman (only appointment we could get, but she is seriously awesome I may switch to her permanently), and she recommended admitting him for IV fluids. He was so dehydrated that it took 7 tries (7 TRIES!) to get the IV in. During the 6th try they were holding his arms and legs down but one of the nurses had her arm close to his mouth and he reached up and bit her. BIT HER! He decided that if his teeth were the only part he could control and use to defend himself, then by God he was going to use it! Such a spunky boy! Thankfully it didn't break the skin. They took a chest x-ray. After asking about it, they finally said the doctor would come in to discuss it with us. The x-ray showed he had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia on the right side. From birth there has been a hole in his diaphragm and his abdominal organs have been able to travel into his chest. It is a life threatening condition that is caused by a congenital defect which develops during the 7th to 10th weeks of gestation and survival is 80% with modern medicine. (Which means there's a 20% mortality rate, don't think I didn't see that!) What happens is that two "flaps" of the diaphragm don't grow together properly, leaving a hole, usually on the left side. This is often found during ultrasounds or diagnosed within days of birth. With Jamie, his ultrasounds looked normal, and he was very healthy and growing normally until recently and so there was no suspicion of a defect. They think that when he got the stomach flu, the pressure of vomiting pushed the organs up farther making it obvious in x-ray. Anyway, they then flew him to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis by MedFlight helicopter so they could have time to stabilize him for surgery. We followed him by car, arriving 3 hours after he did. Surgery began at 8am and by 11am they had finished. So that was the faster end of the spectrum. I don't think I've ever cried so hard from relief in my entire life. Mama and Michael had to tell people I was crying happy tears. I guess I sounded rather devastated, which I was just from the whole "I could lose him" fear. They had no complications, no bleeding issues (no transfusion), the organs looked pretty good, the lungs looked better than expected, the diaphragm had enough of it's own tissue that they were able to just sew it up without adding anything to cover the hole. The liver, colon, appendix, lower intestine, part of the upper intestine, part of the stomach, and part of one kidney were all in the chest cavity. The lung that was compressed the most was partially collapsed. I don't know how much of it was working vs. filled with fluid. The chest tube is still in and the fluid is draining out. There is a bruise on the lower intestine, but it didn't look bad enough to remove, so the doctor just left it to see if it will repair on it's own. After the surgery, the lungs and heart had moved to fill 75% of the chest cavity, which is apparently super wonderful since sometimes the "squish" is permanent. His lungs don't seem to be underdeveloped, which is again amazing given the condition. They are giving him calories via the central line to help him gain weight and stay strong since he already lost weight and hadn't eaten in so long. Okay, he'd eaten, he'd just not digested. Small difference, I know. He is now on morphine every 3 hours. Every 4 was too far apart. His fluid output isn't matching input, which is probably him building up some lost fluids. His urine looks much better than before surgery, but it's still a bit cloudy, so we'll see what the doc says here soon. A lot of people have been praying for my darling, so please continue praying. I know it's greedy of me, but I still want as many miracles for his recovery as I can get. He is a brave wonderful strong courageous boy. We need him.

New Projects and Old Grievances

2008-02-01T19:42:00.001-08:00

I'm working on the reversible cabled scarf. I'm using yarn my friend Amanda gave me and I absolutely love it! I love purple, and heathered variagated purple is even better!

Jamie is growing so fast! He's using his hands to grasp shirts for several days and tonight he actually reached for and grabbed a toy on his new bouncy seat. I think he reached for a toy on the mobile of his swing a couple of days ago, but it was too far away. We also decided to start the weaning process because I've had some problems with milk supply and I'm a bit tired of being unable to be away from Jamie for more than 3 seconds (only a slight exaggeration). However, I stopped using the nipple guard, and now my milk supply is much improved. Also, Jamie latches on very well now, which he didn't for several weeks, which is why I was using the nipple shield. So just as we decide to wean him, breastfeeding gets easier. I still want to mostly wean him to get a little more freedom, but I'll try to do partial breastfeeding for a while.

In other recovery news, my incision opened up at one end. It's okay really, but I'm a little exasperated. I'm feeling much better, but the lingering soreness and now this complication are wearing on me. There is a lot that's going right, but I have problems with patience.

I'm working on research for my candidacy exam, and I'm stressing out about passing it. I'm sure I will, but until it's a done deal I'm going to be obsessive and paranoid. It's my nature.

Ramble on Motherhood

2008-01-28T09:47:00.000-08:00

Motherhood is awesome. And tiring. And stressful. And the most wonderful thing I've ever done. My darling boy sleeps well 2 nights out of 3. He is calmed and at peace most when he's breastfeeding which makes me feel needed and loved, but eats like a horse and so requires supplements which makes me feel inadequate. He loves to be involved in everything and check out the world, but cries like a banshee when he's bored and should be sleeping. Things I don't mind but are unpleasant: pooing on me, spitting up on me, peeing on me, those times when he has to be changed 4 times in an hour. Things I love: when he falls asleep, when he falls asleep on me, when he zens out because he's breastfeeding, when he smiles (still only from passing gas, but adorable nonetheless), when he coos, when he looks around with wide eyed curiosity, when he sighs happily, when he enjoys his bath. Things that annoy me: when he cries for no reason after he's been fed and changed and rocked and played with, when he refuses to sleep at night even though he's really tired, when he needs supplements to breastfeeding because I apparently am inadequate. People talk about the guilt mothers can wield over their children, but what about the guilt mothers feel? I feel guilty when I can't soothe him, even though experienced mothers and medical people say it's normal. I feel guilty when I get annoyed with him because I can't figure out what he wants. I feel guilty when I get impatient with him because I have things I want to do and he is being demanding. I feel guilty when I go out and leave him with Mama or Michael. Motherhood is a dichotomy. It's the easiest and hardest thing I've ever done. It's the most stimulating and mind numbing thing I've ever done. And thank God it gets easier with each passing week. I love this boy, and I want him to have the best I can give him and the best I can do for him. However, this means I put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect for him. Sometimes I can do it without tears, and sometimes not, but no matter what, he's worth every tear and every stress I feel, and I've never been happier.

Life is a Full and Wonderful Thing

2008-01-26T14:30:00.001-08:00

Okay, it's been a while since I last posted. Having 2 blogs unnecessarily complicates blogging. Add living to that and time drags on between posts for one or both blogs.

I had baby J on December 23rd. He was born by cesarean after 25 hours of hard labor. There were a number of complications and in the end it was necessary and best to have a c-section. He was very healthy having 1 and 5 minute Apgars of 9. He recognized Mama's voice when she talked to him as the nurses checked him out. When she talked to him, he stopped crying. The nurses needed him to cry for the Apgar, so they shooed Mama away until they were done with him. I had some issues with bleeding and they even called for blood for a transfusion, but at the very last minute they were able to get the bleeding under control. I was periodically "shocky" for two weeks afterward, but I'm pretty healthy now. In fact, I feel very close to my old self. I still get tired easily and I'm still a bit sore, but it's all normal for c-section recovery. My bleeding has already stopped as well, and no more bleeding after 3 weeks is doing pretty well. As horrible as the c-section was for me, if I have to I will do it again. Next time I'd like to try a VBAC (vaginal delivery after cesarean). I've read that 70% of women who try it succeed. But if I don't succeed, the next c-section will be much easier to handle, since I've gone through it once already.

Husband and I are settling into parenthood very well. We have learned how to figure out what baby J wants and needs most of the time. Sometimes we're baffled, but this is normal for parents of children at any age. He's a very good boy, and he loves his family. He hasn't slept through the night yet, but he's only a month old, and some nights he only gets up once. He usually will 2 good nights then one rough night. Rough nights are where he demands to be up for 2 to 4 hours in the middle of the night. He has been very good when we've brought him out with us. Breastfeeding has taken some time for us to get used to, but we've finally come to be comfortable with it.

I have taken a Medical Separation from Academic Duties so I have the first 6 weeks of school off from TA duties. I wasn't planning on taking any time off after a vaginal delivery, but the c-section requires a longer recovery period. Now that I'm at four weeks recovery time, I'm feeling much better, but I still can't be on my feet for more than a hour or two at a time. My labs are 2 hours each, and I have 2 consecutive labs. So that's 4 consecutive hours on my feet. Not doable for me at this point, but given a few more weeks (which thankfully I have) it shouldn't be a problem. I get to start exercising (gently) in 2 more weeks. I could walk some now if the weather weren't so terrible. But I intend to start with swimming, then after a couple of weeks I'll probably try low impact aerobics.

Mother-In-Law is coming for a visit next month, and she mentioned that it would be nice if we could have baby J baptized then so she could be there for it. We had to do a little maneuvering to get it done, but we worked it out. Sister R and her Fiance are going to be baby J's godparents and have arranged to come out for the baptism as well. :) Mama is making him a baptismal gown. It's gorgeous!

Been busy

2007-11-13T05:07:00.001-08:00

So, I've been really busy with work and baby prep. My research has hit a small snag, but I'm getting close to finding the error. In fact, I think that the error occurs at the limits of our code, where we can't run the simulations anymore anyway, so that makes sense. But I have to triple check to be sure. Damn coding. Baby stuff is going well. We put up the crib and by way of necessities we have basically everything except the car seat. Baby is head down and big, but the doctor said there's no imminent risk of labor, but I could have him anywhere from two weeks to seven weeks from now. The baby shower prep is in high gear. Poor JB and Li'l B. It came as a shock that it needed to happen so soon, just in case. Hopefully JB and JG will be in town when the baby's born. Now watch, just because we're ready early, he's going to back off and wait to be born. ;) Whatever he needs to be healthy is what I want, but I'm sure tired of walking around being tired and having elephant feet and numb hands. Oh, well. He's so worth it. It's nice too that I'm rarely alone. With Mama and Husband around, they help me a lot and make sure I rest. Otherwise, I'd be too stressed and not as healthy. Husband makes sure I get enough fruit and massages, and Mama takes care of the meat and veggies. :)

Football

2007-10-07T05:41:00.000-07:00

WE WON!

WE WON!

WE WON... WE WON... WE WON!

We won we won we won we won we won

wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon
wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon
wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon

Well, we won last night, and I'm only a little pleased. Not very excited at all.

Okay, I lied. I'm thrilled... over the moon... ecstatic... so excited I can't breathe. You get the idea. But my excitement is a bit tempered by our past performance and the embarrassment from the abstract failure of past games. But this could be the turning point. Well, we do have an easier schedule ahead, except for USC, who just lost to Stanford. Stanford! So even there we might have a chance. Please, speak softly now, you might shatter my bubble.

Diapers

2007-10-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

Diapers. Okay, maybe not the most titillating topic ever, but one on my mind lately. As I near the due date - not changed despite Baby J being over 2 weeks ahead of schedule in size and development - I find that I want to work out these details. I have been trying to decide between disposable and cloth diapers. So I finally called the diaper cleaning service to get a price quote and then I did some math (clearly my strong suit). In the end, with the diaper service, cloth and disposables end up being about the same price. But add to the mix that if you launder the diapers yourself, cloth ends up being half the price. And I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm already cleaning up after Tiggy and changing her diapers, why not for my own child?" And then I asked myself if I had a brain tumor and just how much crap (literally) did I feel like wading through? I called a cooler head and the decision is made. We will use the cloth diapers, and we will launder them ourselves. We'll also use disposables when we're out, simply for the sake of convenience and sanitation of the diaper bag. So here's the logic and reasoning behind the decision.

1. Cloth is better on the skin. I have very sensitive skin, and Husband has normal to sensitive skin (prone to heat rash), so Baby J will likely have similar issues.
2. Less diaper rash. Because cloth diapers breathe more, you can smell when they need to be changed sooner, and so you do change them more often. The greater airflow allows the skin to stay drier and therefore less prone to irritation even if the diaper doesn't get changed fast enough.
3. Less landfill trash. I am a bit of a hippy, and believe in conservation as much as possible, and this isn't an unreasonable step to take to keep tons of trash from building up each year. It's not like asking me to live like a pioneer or cavewoman, so I was willing to consider it.
4. Save some money. It's a savings of about $500 a year. While that may not seem like a lot, it's enough to make affording other things a little easier. And with a new baby, I'd prefer to spend money on things that will last and are actually important.
6. We get our own diapers back from doing the laundry ourselves, while God only knows whose diapers we'd be getting from the diaper service. Okay. Fine. They're laundered to be highly sanitary, but that's because you're getting someone else's undies. I don't want my child wearing something that someone else has pooped in. It may be perfectly safe - and I'm sure logically that it is - but the idea is just too gross.
5. We already have to do gross things for the dogs, so it's not unreasonable to be willing to do the same and more for our baby.
6. I don't have to do all the poop duty myself. There are three adults in the household. Husband and I will split being at home during the work week so we can both fulfill our grad student duties, and Mama will be at home on nights and weekends. So there will be times I'll get a break from the gross stuff.

So there you have it. The arguments for using and self-laundering cloth diapers. And here is the latest ultrasound of Baby J:

Football

2007-09-24T05:56:00.000-07:00

Okay. Football has been a bit disappointing lately (yes, I am the queen of understatement). But there's still hope. The Bears do okay when Grossman sucks and they do great when he's good. I see an easy fix here. GET RID OF GROSSMAN! I'm tired of him showing up and choking. I'm tired of getting excited when he rocks only to be crushed when he plays like a high school freshman. We need some consistency here. If he sucked all the time, they'd fire him, but because he really shows some awesome talent sometimes they stick with him. If he played to his potential more often than not, then I'd have no problem with that. But it really is hit and miss. Literally. Sigh. Okay, on to my other team. The Irish. We did better this time, so the training camps last week clearly helped a lot. I mean, we did get 2 (count them 2!) offensive touchdowns in on game, and in one half even! That's more points than we've had all season up to then. Then it got nasty - for us. Our O-line still needs a lot of work, but at least they were able to do some blocking and gave Clausen a chance to actually throw the ball. He needs to learn to throw the ball away rather than get sacked with the ball and lose yardage. The receivers need to learn how to actually catch the ball. You know, receive the ball. Our defensive line did a good job, and thankfully they weren't out there the whole game as was previously the case. It helps them a lot to have the offense on the field for more than one play. I was still disappointed in the game, but relieved we weren't blown out.

So for the Bears, it's still dodgy. We could win, we could lose. Who knows? As for the Irish, we look poised to start winning.

Random Awesome Photo From the Wedding Afterparty

2007-09-10T06:15:00.000-07:00

When It Rains, It Pours

2007-09-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

When is rains it pours. So my week has been a real ....... trial.

Nasty Surprise #1: I took the car in for maintenance, expecting about a $500. bill. Well, it's been a while since anything was done to it, and all the little things added up to $1000. in brake work and various other things. Trust me, I looked to see if I was being cheated, but nothing was a surprise or over-changed. Fine. The car hasn't needed any repairs beyond simple maintenance, and it now has almost 130,000 miles on it, so okay. I can handle that, albeit grudgingly.

Nasty Surprise #2: I got a call from the office of my directorate at LLNL and they were trying to let me know in advance that payroll messed up my last paycheck and were going to take it back and reissue my paycheck. They weren't sure how that would happen, but thought I should have the chance to call them and make arrangements for how it would work in case I didn't have the money in the account any longer. So I checked my bank. They already took the whole paycheck out by direct withdrawal. Apparently they have the right to do this since it's a direct deposit. I, of course, had paid a month's worth of bills with this month's worth of pay and so didn't have the whole paycheck available. The remainder of the paycheck was taken out of my savings account and a fee assessed do to overdraft, and not all of the checks have cleared, the house payment for example. I called the payroll department to find out if they were going to make a direct deposit in the correct amount and was told they had mailed me a paper check since the direct withdrawal had cleared. So my paycheck should arrive next week sometime. Keep in mind this is after 5:30pm, so the bank is closed. I then set up a transfer out of my money market account to cover the checks still waiting to be cashed, but that will take 2-3 business days. This means that some of the bills may come in before I have any money to cover them. So Michael and I went to the bank to talk to them and see what we could do. The bank is going to honor all the checks that come in, so our credit will be fine, but that fees will still be assessed for overdraft and that since this is caused by the sudden removal of my paycheck, without warning, that it is legally LLNL's responsibility to reimburse me for those fees. So, I will be letting them know that I expect them to pay for the fees. After some internet research, apparently it is legal to take money out of an account for which there is a direct deposit, but that legally, any fees incurred from doing so are the withdrawer's responsibility. So a pain in the butt, but not something for which we cannot recover.

Nasty Surprise #3: A storm blew in yesterday afternoon. It was a normal storm, nothing more violent than usual for around the Great Lakes. But the power kept going on and off. And not all the power, just certain areas. The stove, the three plugs in the kitchen, the tv, another plug in the livingroom, and the airconditioning. Then, overnight, the power stayed off. So I called an electrician and he came out and charged me $145 to tell me it was the power company's fault since only one of the two lines coming in was working. So I called the power company, went to the bank and handled Nasty Surprise #2, came back and waited for them to show up. It didn't take long. He looked things over and agreed with the electrician that the wires going onto the pole were being disrupted/damaged/or something by the tree branches all over them. So he called a crew in to cut away the branches and redo the wires. And they arrived an hour after the first guy left, worked for a little over and hour, asked if we had power to everything (we did) and were gone. The power is still stable and the pole can now be seen and the wires aren't being tackled by branches with every gust of wind.

Nasty Surprise #4: The basement flooded due to the power to the sump pump being out. Then an hour later it flooded again due to the rod in place to keep the little floaty-ball from sticking and not triggering the "flush". So we are going to get a sump pump cover (yes a real one) so it won't stick anymore, and the Husband put a night-light in the outlet so that if the power goes out we can see by visual inspection that there's no power to the sump pump and to not run any water so we don't flood.

Now we need to do a few things to take care of all this stuff, but it's all manageable. Yay! It's really strange though how things seem to happen all at once.

Football

2007-08-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

The Husband bought tickets to a 49ers preseason football game. Now, he's a 49ers fan while I'm a Bears fan. Yes, we did still get married despite this fundamental rift. We'll be going to the game against the Broncos. If ever there was a game in which I could actually cheer for the 49ers, that's it. I dislike Denver even more than the 49ers. I guess the Hubby knew what he was doing when he bought these tickets. Not only will I go with him to the game, I'll cheer for his team. The man is devious.

Go Irish! in Berkeley

2007-07-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

So the Husband and I were walking down the street for a little exercise today (okay, we were walking to Yogurt Park which is an awesome frozen yogurt shop in Berkeley) when something awesome happened. We were walking along, minding our own business, without a care in the world when all of a sudden a car pulls up beside us and the driver leaned out and yelled "GO IRISH!" I wonder how she knew we were Irish fans. I mean it's not like the Husband was wearing his blue and white Notre Dame shirt while I was wearing this year's "The Shirt" or anything. ;) Just goes to show you there are Irish fans everywhere.

Wedding Day

2007-07-24T20:34:00.001-07:00

The wedding was awesome! It was perfect. I wasn't nervous at all. I was so excited and so happy. The Fiance was nervous, and wanted to "get it over with, without the wedding blowing up". He marched us down the aisle double time, and our processional hadn't started until we were halfway down to the alter. I told him to slow down, and he did for one step. So then I said, "Slow down, slow down, slow down", while pulling on him a little to try to slow him down. Some of the guests heard and laughed. It was funny. :) The priest, Fr. Tom, saved us by meeting us at the alter and we waited there for a moment or two. Then when sister-in-law R started reciting the first reading, I started bawling. I didn't think I'd cry, and the Fiance was the one who teared up during the rehearsal, but it was the opposite during the wedding. And then during the blessing of the rings I started bawling again. And the other snafu happened when I waited too long to respond to one of the questions asked by Fr. Tom. Otherwise the wedding was perfect! Everyone looked fabulous. His groomsmen were handsome and distinguished. My bridesmaids were beautiful. And my best friend, T, (a Maid of Honor) was able to make it from France, which really meant a lot.

The reception was great! We had a High Tea reception at a historic bed and breakfast. It was too early to have a sit down dinner, and a high tea was such a fun idea! The food was so good, and the cake was delicious. We fed each other cake, and no mess was made. That was a very good thing, because I would have hated to file for divorce on the same day we signed the marriage certificate. ;) The Matron of Honor, JB, gave such a fantastic speech that we were both bawling. One of the Maids of Honor, J, gave a wonderful speech also, and again we were in tears. I have such wonderful friends!

The after party was so much fun, and JB and Li'l B went to so much trouble to make it fabulous. The theme was the one I originally had for the reception. They hung Chinese lanterns, had Chinese food, red velvet cupcakes, tea lights, lots of booze, Nice Save playing live. It was so much fun! The Husband (my husband!) sang Takin' Care of Business, and was HOT! Nice Save worked really hard and practiced a lot so they could play their best for us, and they totally did. We stayed until really late (for a wedding night).

There was some trouble with several of our guest's flights. Maid of Honor, J, was delayed by 8 hours and they lost her luggage. Her dress was in her suitcase, so on the morning of the wedding she had to go to the mall to find a new dress. Thank God I let the bridesmaids pick their own dresses otherwise we'd have been screwed. Anyway, she found a nice dress, and it was on sale. So now she has two nice little black dresses. So it was for the best.

Softball Win!

2007-07-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

I watched Fiance play softball today. I must say he was mighty sexy catching and throwing the ball and helping his team win. He did a good job and a number of other players today did well. The last game they played, they all made major goofs, but today they really looked sharp. And they won! This is the first win for them in two years, so their persistence and perseverance paid off. They play again tomorrow. I don't like baseball or football, but it's fun to watch if you know the people playing. It really changes the whole game, and with an hour limit on play time, it doesn't get boring. :)

Wedding Count Down

2007-07-16T07:11:00.001-07:00

So I'm finally home! It took an extra 4 hours. I was stuck in the Cincinnati/Kentucky airport for 4 hours because the flight crew was still in Raleigh. Still in Raleigh! We were supposed to leave at 8:55pm, but the flight bringing them to us didn't leave Raleigh until 10:14! The arrived, finally. Then we waited for new paperwork. Sigh. I finally made it home, though. And it was wonderful to see the Fiance and Mama again. The dogs lost their minds when I came in the front door. :) It's good to be so loved.

Since I got home I've been working on all the final details. The bulk of the wedding preparations was no sweat in May. Now it seems like any complication that can arise has. But now we just have to pick up my dress from being pressed, pick up my rings from being soldered at the jewelers, and various confirmation calls to make, and we're ready for the wedding! I can't wait!

Going Home!

2007-07-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm going home in the morning. I can't wait to get home! I miss The Man, Mama, and my dogs (although not necessarily in that order). ;) I still have some final wedding details to take care of. I have to find a hairstyle, jewelry for the Big Day, gifts for the bridal party, and a gift for the in-laws-to-be. Whew. That's it. I really should have taken care of these things already, but I have been just a tad busy. I have a long day of flying ahead of me tomorrow. I have around 8 hours of flying to do, and several more hours of airport lounging. Which gives me plenty of knitting time! Woo hoo!

I finally updated my knitting blog. I got so behind. I wanted to put up the projects I had done most recently, but they ended up gifted before I could take photos, or were at home still, or whatever. So I decided to forget it. I'll just go from now on. I'm really excited about my latest project. Now I just need to get going on it!

My roommies gave me a send off tonight. They bought wedding cake (small version, since there are only 3 of us, but it's chocolate so not too small) and gave me one of my wedding gifts. They got us the table cloth from our registry. I was pretty happy with that. I've wanted it for a while, but just refused to actually buy it since it's not a "necessity". How in the world I decide these things sometimes, I don't know. Anyway, we had a nice time.

Big Brother 8 started last week. Yes, I am watching trash (reality) tv. For some reason, I just like this show. I don't always watch it, but often enough to be embarrassed, but not embarrassed enough to not watch it. Ah, the drama!

Okay, time for bed. Finally.

Human Nature

2007-06-25T23:08:00.000-07:00

require this level of violence to rid oneself of "nuisances" that were once easy to cast off without penalty? In previous eras, men could simply abandon wives and children without any repercussions. Now there's child support and alimony. Are these Okay. What the hell is going on with the world? This month alone there have been numerous reports of men killing their families. Seriously, what the hell? Why is it that when a family dies, it's always the husband/father who did it? Why are these men killing the people they supposedly love? Is society becoming more violent? Has this sort of behavior always existed, and only now becoming more widely reported? I know in other cultures men killing wives and/or children for reasons of honor is accepted, but that's not supposed to be a part of ours. And yet it happens regularly. Is this something that occurred as often before the present day, but was overlooked by a patriarchal and hierarchical society? Or does the lack of hierarchical institutions that protect us also put us at greater risk? Some say our society is losing it's morality. But when did we have this higher morality? When rich men and nobles could rape the staff (male and female staff) without compunction? When men would abandon their wives and children and marry again in another place? When men could beat their wives and children without fear of chastisement (unless the woman had strong/rich brothers)? Some say we are becoming desensitized to violence with all our video games and violent movies. What about our wars? What about in the past when we had wars and patriarchy that allowed (even at times encouraged) violence against women and children? Are we any better off now that 500 years ago? We have laws to help punish the violent ones and to punish those who try to avoid responsibility. For some those laws are a deterrent, for others it's a reason to do more violence. Why is it so much more likely to be killed by a lover/spouse/parent/child than a stranger? Why is it the people we love most are the ones most likely to kill us? It seems very hard to believe that we are more violent now than in the past. But that begs another question. Where does this latent violence come from? Is it human nature? Well, regardless of whether it's human nature, or human nurture, humans suck. Violent humans suck. The ones that killed themselves along with their families did us all a favor by saving us the trial. The ones that didn't kill themselves also, need to be killed. And not painlessly. They need to suffer in retribution. For those who say the death penalty is too cruel, I'm glad it's cruel. That's why they got the death penalty, because no other form of justice was good enough to prevent further crimes or to make retribution for the crimes already committed. Humans suck.

God's Spark

2007-05-26T19:15:00.001-07:00

My Thoughts

2007-05-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

I really dislike people. It annoys me when people treat animals like disposables. They seem to think that animals are mere annoyances to be tolerated or disposed of if the whim strikes. It doesn't matter to them that animals have feelings and experience love. People seem to think that humans are somehow superior to all other life forms and that these "others" are worthless or at least negligible. Usually they will use one of two arguments to justify their position. One is that we are superior because we are made in the image of God unlike all other beings. The other is that we are at the top of the food chain. Well, it's bullshit.

Let's take the first argument. So we're made in the image of God. How does that make us a complete image? How can we say that no other beings are made in the image of God only from a different part of God's essence? We imagine what God is like by constructing God from ourselves. We construct our understanding of God from our understanding of ourselves. But are we a complete image of God or a partial image? Are we an image of one aspect of God or the entire aspect of God? We get some ideas from the bible, but no where in the bible does it say that we are the complete image, and that other beings are not an image. It doesn't say that other parts of creation are the simple creative constructions and not images of other parts of God's essence. And why is humanity the pinnacle of God's creation? Aren't a lot of lessons we humans are supposed to learn all about humility and acknowledging that we aren't superior? And so why is it so fundamentally impossible for us to be equal to all living beings in the eyes of our Creator? And how can anyone look into the eyes of a gorilla infant and not see the same spark of life that one sees in the eyes of a human infant? Can we really say that such a spark is less miraculous than the human miracle? And if you see the joy in the eyes of a dog when it gets snuggled and played with, is it any less felt than that of a child at play? Ridiculous. God is Love. Animals experience love just as we humans do. So how can we deny the spark of God in animals?

Now the second argument. So we're at the top of the food chain, right? So why are we felled by the smallest of creatures, the virus? If we are at the top, if we disregard the rest of the chain, we'll destroy the pedestal on which we stand. And then we are destroyed. So who's on top? The top of the chain is only on top as long as the rest of the chain remains in tact.

The moment we devalue life in any form we devalue human life. That should scare the human egotists. If you can care for an animal and not give it its full value, then you lack the capacity to give people their full value.

Not There Yet

2007-05-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still waiting for the flight arrangements to be made to go back to Cali for the summer. I can't wait. It looks like I'll get there sometime next week. My Darling left for San Diego today. His sister, Rachel, is graduating from college. She'll start her student teaching this summer. I was hoping to be able to ge there for her graduation but I wasn't able to get the travel arrangements to Cali made in time. Sadness.

Research is going. I have a low mass star going through it's evolution, and of course it's taking forever. And I still can't get onto the correct computer through the vpn to continue my helium shell flashes and my black hole - red giant interaction. I'm just itching to get to them.

Liver more again!

2007-05-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

I am going to work at LLNL again this summer. They really wanted me to come work for them again. The internship didn't get funding this year, but they were able to find funding elsewhere for me. :) Makes me feel really good that they value me and my contributions. I am valued! And I'll be living with Annie and Lauren again. We'll be staying in Berkeley. It's really nice in Berkeley. The weather is so much nicer than in Livermore. I'll leave for California at the end of the month, and I'll come back the beginning of September. Michael will come back with me after the wedding. We'll have a little adventure for our first month of married life. :)

We just had dinner with John and Julie and a bunch of other friends. It was fun. We had sushi which I helped prepare. Boy do I love the shrimp sushi! We play Zoobie Zoobie, and insanely simple and fun and annoying drinking game. It was a seriously good time. John and Julie are some awesome party-givers.

Busy Busy Busy

2007-03-08T08:38:00.000-08:00

Murphy is getting really big. He's almost as big as Kelsey now. She loves it! She really likes having another big dog who will play with her. Brandy wouldn't play with her because she was too rough, but Murphy doesn't mind. She's more gentle with him than she was with Brandy. Murphy is my boy. He loves to just sit with me and snuggle. I love that. He likes to sit with Tigger also. Tigger loves having him hang out with her. Alex is a little put out. He doesn't like the challenge to his dominance, but he does like it when Murphy follows him around and plays with him. Murphy does challenge him for the lead. When Murphy growls at Alex over the food dish (his own) we don't allow that. He has to know there will be no eating out of other bowls, and no one will eat out of his bowl, either.

I haven't had time for any knitting or crochet or quilting in a long time. How am I going to keep my marbles? I'm not, so I guess there's the answer to that.

My Darling and I were in a computer programming contest. We took second! Nice. I was pretty psyched to do well since I don't program in C++, and so that was all on My Turtle. However, my mad math skills saved the day and helped us take second.

I've decided I like sushi, but only as made by my friend Julie. She makes the best sushi I've ever had! There's no yucky "fishy" smell or taste, and no icky rubbery-yet-slimey crap. *Shudder* And I'm not the only one. A number of friends agree that Julie is the Sushi Making Queen!

Written Exam

2007-01-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

Well, I took the written candidacy exam yesterday. It looks like I passed! I will find out for sure tomorrow, but I feel really good about it. Yay! I spent so much time working on preparing for the exam that life was on hold until yesterday. Now I can do things again. I am finally doing some more knitting, and I finished yet another scarf. I have to block it and add some tassels, then I can give it to my fiance. :) I will be setting up a blog for knitting and crocheting only. I can't add the scarves I made for Christmas gifts yet, but I will take pictures and put it up after I'm sure the recipient's have gotten their gifts. Also, wedding planning will go into high gear starting tomorrow. I also have to get ready for the talk I'm going to give at the April APS meeting, and get some more research done. Whew! Life just never quits! :)

Toni is in France now. I'm so jealous!

Christmas

2006-12-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

I'm surprised I'm still sane! There has been a lot of drama both good and bad this semester. I helped a friend in need. The man of my dreams has swept me off my feet and I'm now wearing his ring. I've survived my last class with flying colors.

Michael found three stray kittens in our garage last week. They all went to good homes and didn't have to go to the no kill shelter. YAY! We also decided to get a male golden retriever puppy. We decided not to do it right away. And then we decided to look at some tomorrow. How is does the name Bailey sound for a little golden puppy? Or Riley?

Christmas was uneventful, blessedly! Mama and I had already given each other our gifts. Michael put up the lights outside after Thanksgiving, and we put up wreaths, but we didn't do the tree thing this year.

I am now studying for my written exam. I take it at the end of January, a week after my birthday. "Let's see if you get to stay in grad school. You have four hours to prove yourself. Happy Birthday." I think I'll do well, but there's still stress. I'm hoping one of the possible sources of research funding comes in so I don't have to TA next semester.

I will start planning the wedding now. I need to get as much done as possible before I leave for the summer for research. So busy. So much to do. So little time. Thank God for Mama and good friends to help me. I'm going to be asking Michael's sisters (and now mine as well) for their advice and opinions.

Mama got a membership to my fitness club and we'll be going together at least once a week. That whirlpool is so relaxing! And swimming is such good cardio and it doesn't jar me and give me migraines.

My mind is racing. I've got so many things running around in my head that I don't know if I've talked about everything. Boy, I really need to keep up with this better. That way I can just update instead of starting again. Oh! I'm going to keep a knitting blog. Okay, actually it's a crafting blog since I'll put my quilts and croceted stuff on it, too. But still. You know what I mean. Here's what's going on that I want to express somehow:
Lil' B is an awesome person and so cool.
Jarett's cat is the most affectionate darling ever!
Kelsey is a good girl, but is sometimes too demanding and I need to work with her more.
Alex is the best snuggle bunny on the planet.
John and Julie are the coolest married couple there ever was or will be.
My toenail is growing in from when it fell off, and why the hell did it do that, but thank God it didn't hurt!
My engagement ring is gorgeous.
I'm in love with my fiance.
I miss Michael since he's visiting his family for the holidays.
I need to work on the papers for publishing.
I have 9 books I want to read.
I have 4 scarves that I am making right now, plus a shawl.
I have two quilts in various states of progress that I'm dying to work on.
What will I call the new puppy? And will the others react the way I expect they will?
I miss Brandy so much it still kills me that she's gone.
Christmas was Brandy's favorite time of year.
Brandy's birthday is in a week and it's going to be really hard to deal with.
Christ the King is a wonderful church and Father Tom is funny.
I wonder if we should ask Father Tom to do our wedding?
My engagement ring is gorgeous.
This time next year Michael and I will have had our first Christmas together as a married couple.
Will I pass my written exam?
Of course I'll pass my written exam.
Can I finish my dissertation in a year after that?
Do I want to finish so quickly?
Maybe I should start my craft blog tonight.
It's too late to be messing around on the computer now. I have to be up early.
Okay. My brain is emptied out now. I think. :) I hope.

Engaged!

2006-12-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

Diamonds in the afternoon. He had to take the bus from campus to the mall, then walk from the mall to Michael asked me to marry him! I, of course, said, "Yes!" He picked up the ring from HelzbergHelzberg, crossing Grape road to get there. Then he had to cross Grape again (which he did on the bridge over the toll road) to get back to the mall, take the bus back to campus. While he was waiting for the bus I called him. When the bus arrived, I heard a whoosh and people talking. He had told me he was working late, so I thought he was in the lab and the noise was some piece of equipment and that there were people in the hall. Silly me. He thought I knew what he was doing at that point. :) So when he got back to campus he ran back to his apartment, grabbed his bike, and road it along 933 to get to the house. He knew I had to pick up Mama from a late work event and that I had to leave at 7pm to get her. He pedalled as fast as he could because he wasn't sure he could make it before I left. I was about to leave when I heard a knock at the door. It had been raining/snowing all day, and I had seen a power truck go by, so I thought it was a utility worker or something like that. I put the dogs up and got all frazzled doing it. I opened the door and there was my man. I asked him how he got here and if he'd ridden his bike all the way from campus. He said he had, and I wondered why he didn't use his key to get in. He stepped inside and pulled out a burgundy box with a gold ribbon. He opened the box and pulled out a jewelry box. He handed it to me and got down on one knee. I was thinking he was pranking me again, and was preparing to yell at him (playfully, of course) but then I opened the box. There was a real engagement ring inside! As I opened the box, he asked, "Will you marry me?" To which I promptly replied, "Yes!" After that all I could really manage for several minutes was, "Oh my God!" I love that man! After we picked up Mama, we had a celebratory glass of wine with toasts to our happiness. Then we called friends to come out and celebrate with us at Club La Salle.

Michael and Me at La Salle celebrating our engagement.

Nightmares: Asleep and Awake

2006-11-18T14:58:00.000-08:00

I had a nightmare about Kelsey dying. I dreamt that Mama and Michael took her to the vet for a check up, and they found she had something terminal and put her down. We were planning on going on a trip the next day, and Mama and Michael still intended to go. I was crying and refused to go unless they got me another Border Collie to console me. Mama said, "No more dogs." Michael said, "I know it's hard on you, but she was just a dog." And I just continued crying. Then I woke up. Then I went to look for Mama to tell her about my dream, but she had gone out running errands. So I made a cup of tea and worked on some homework while watching the Notre Dame - Army game. I started going through some photos. I found some of Brandy that are just gorgeous. I really miss her. It still hurts so much to not have her with me here on Earth. My angel watches me, but I just want to hold her. And so I started sobbing.

Photos

2006-10-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot to add photos!

Here he is being the hardcore football player that he is!

Here is the two of us at Legends.

Here he is as the intrepid explorer and builder of Sand City.

I went how long without writing a post?!

2006-10-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I lasted posted on here, and a lot has happened since then. I have a wonderful boyfriend named Michael. He is in CSE and does QCA. He is very sweet, catholic, and very very smart. He loves football, and loves that I love football. He really does like me as I am, and I feel totally comfortable with him. He makes me feel like I can tell him anything and be myself without being afraid of how he'll judge me. All this an we just met two weeks ago. Very short amount of time to become so attached to someone. More on him later. I have gotten a bit behind in class and only just caught up in research. I got behind while taking care of a friend in crisis. She is doing much much better now, thank God. Ben is settling in and while not doing as well as he'd like, is doing quite well. I am still having a hard time missing Brandy, but Kelsey and Alex help me a lot. Kelsey has really blossomed into a mature, obedient, contented girl. She still misses her Brandy a lot, but she likes being number 1 with me. I really like my class. Who would have thought I would like quantum optics? Not me, that's for sure. The professor is really good. She makes everything very clear and gives us lots of helpful tips and explanations. Professor Tanner is definitely my favorite teacher since coming to Notre Dame. Things with the boys started out very tense, but since last Friday it seems like things are okay now. I saw Ian at a party at John and Julie's house (they both passed the bar!) and we made an attempt to be friendly, and a truce or mending or something happened. He warned me that Tyler was coming, and gave me a thumbs up on my man. I re-added him to facebook and he approved me right away. Allen also added me again. When Tyler, Justin, Joe, and Ted got to the party, I talked to Joe and he was friendly. Ted and Justin seemed to make a point of coming to say hi. We chatted for a while. It was really nice to be on good terms with old friends. I got a Motorola Q last month, and dropped it in a puddle two weeks ago. I need to see if I can repair it. It was working okay, but it won't let the battery charge completely and then runs out of juice and won't turn on. If I can't repair it, Mama said she'd buy me one for Christmas. It will be $300. but it's really cool and I love it. I need to write up some applications for funding so I can go to Australia to work with John Lattanzio (aka "The Tank Guy"). Toni visited her family for a long time and things are good there. I'm glad to have her back, though. She is a voice of sanity in my world. She's going to France in January. She has her own cat now, Auriga. I will take my written exam on January 27th, and I am scared to death! All I can do is study. Mama is taking classes toward her Master's in Creative Writing. She wants to teach at a university. She can take one class a semester that her job at IUSB will pay for. She is liking it a lot so far. I now have to get some grading done.

Long Time No Blog

2006-08-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

Classes have started and I like the class I'm taking. I had one final elective to take, and I chose to do it this semester. So the choices were Condensed Matter or Quantum Optics. Yes. I did choose Quantum Optics. I am insane, but whatever. I went to class and it seems fun. Really. I'm not being hysterical or sarcastic. It really seems fun. And I'm still at a standstill on the remote login I need to continue my project. That sucks, but nothing to be done about it except harass them about the paperwork, which I'm doing. I do have some applications to send out for funding to be able to go to Australia next semester. I have tons of work to do, but all managable. And I'm advancing to candidacy this week. WOO HOO! But that means I get to start working on getting ready to take my written and oral candidacy exams.

I'm Home!

2006-08-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

So I'm home. The trip was uneventful, with the exception of the haunted light. During the flight to Chicago, I turned on the personal light so I could do some Sudoku, and after a little bit it went out. I figured that the bulb burned out, and left it alone and didn't give it another thought. About three hours later, the light suddenly came on. The married couple next to me, were amazed and commented on it, and we laughed. Moments later the light went out again. Now we were laughing in amazement and wonder. So the husband tapped it and it came on again. Then it went out. And so began an hour long escapade with the light. It would come on with tapping or spontaneously, and turn off spontaneously. This happened when the plane was stable in without turbulence. Very bizarre, and we were laughing almost hysterically by the end of the flight. Finally it was on, and so I turned it off, and so we had the last word in the battle with the possessed light on United flight 450. :)

Mama was thrilled to see me, and I was thrilled to see her. The dogs couldn't believe their good fortune that I was home. Mama and I spent today shopping. It started out with a purse brunch hosted by Mama's boss, Ilene. Mama bought a new wallet, and I bought a new purse. All designer stuff. :) Then Mama got her hair cut, and I got some jammies. We drove by Notre Dame and I saw how they changed Juniper Road. I was totally shocked to see the stretch of Juniper through campus was completely covered over with dirt and grass seed and hay. It does look good, though. Then we capped off the night with some Chinese delivery.

It's good to be home.

Warning: Another Depressing Post

2006-08-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today was a tough day. I'm having serious pms, which is probably the main problem. While in Berkeley today, we (Lauren, Annie, Ying, and I) were sitting outside an eatery eating when this dog wandered up. I couldn't tell right away, but I figured out later that the dog's people were there with the lady inside and the guy outside with the dog, but letting him wander somewhat. So the dog wanders around, and I'm wondering if he/she is a stray since he/she had no collar and was eating crumbs and looking intently for more. I had just eaten my piece of pizza to the crust. I looked at the dog, a big dark gray sheepdog, and Lauren immediately said, "No. Don't do it. He's not skinny, so he must belong to someone." She knew I was thinking how much this friendly, pretty, rather old dog might like my crust. I gave it to him/her anyway. He/She wandered back over to the guy, wandered back toward the door of the eatery and back. He/She looked at me and smiled a huge friendly smile, a thank you for the crust. No begging for more, just thank you for the crust. His/Her lady came out the door and he/she went over to her and then followed her to a table where she and the guy started eating. The old dog with terrible arthritis in both back legs sat under the woman's chair and smiled happily and watched the goings on around him/her. He/She reminded me of my Brandy Wyne. She always had a happy smile around people. She always thanked you for giving her good things and didn't beg for more. She always wanted to be near me or Mama and was happy just to hang out. She was old and gray haired in the face. She had bad arthritis in her hips. And she had that same happy, joyous, grateful, loving, open smile. God's smile. I started crying a little and tried to get a hold of myself. I called Mama and told her about it. I talked to Kelsey and Alex on the phone. Alex rar-rarred me when I told him I loved him. He does that only when I tell him I love him, so I think he's trying to say it back. That cheered me up a bit. Then at the Ikea, I started having some sort of panic attack. I had taken two Excedrin for my headache and I think it made me anxious. I was able to basically calm down enough to not freak out, but I was on edge. I found a stuffed whale, black and white and huge. It was soft. And it brought to mind my black-and-whites, and how I wanted to hug Brandy and tell her I love her. Reminded me of how I used to hug her, and how at night anymore that's all I want to do. Hold her. Hug her. Tell her I love her. Even dead I love that girl without limits, and I do feel like I'm missing a part of myself without her. I was able to pray about it, though. It's the first time I was able to look to God for comfort. That's something at least. I can't wait to get home and be with my family again. I can't hold Brandy, but I can hold Kelsey and Alex and Tigger.

I have two words for you - Outlet Mall

2006-08-13T00:18:00.000-07:00

Today, Annie, Lauren, Monica, and I went to the Gilroy Outlet Mall. Wow! I found some awesome things. First, I found this very classy, very classic dress at Banana Republic. It's a wrap around dress, and thanks to the extra ten pounds I gained since April I have the breasts (size C, yes I'm bragging) to carry it. Next stop on the path of destruction was Anne Taylor. As you know, this is my favorite store. Ever since finding a dress at the last minute (literally) to wear to a wedding in May, I have loved this store. The dress was on sale, and a size 4 that fit perfectly. Not too tight anywhere, not too loose anywhere. Perfect. It was like they took my measurements and used that as the basis for their sizes. Okay, enough gushing about the store and back to the shopping. I found a pair of winter pants in a grey tweed that is absolutely perfect (there's that 'P' word again), and were incredibly slimming and flattering. I have the perfect pair of shoes to wear with them. The $90 stillettos from Aldo. Yes, I did try it all together when we got home, and the verdict is in. It is one HOT, CLASSY outfit. I'm stylin'. :) I also got a creme sweater, an ecru sweater/cardigan, an eggplant shirt with embroidery and beads at the neckline, and a black camisole. Whew. I fell in love with that store all over again. It's a miracle I left the store with my cards well below their limits. I have amazing self control. Bow before my awesomeness. ;) The next site of my temptation and economic stimulation was a small fragrance shop with big name cosmetics. I found the perfume Mama has been looking for for some time, Champs-Elysee. It is a very pretty scent. At first I thought she wanted Jess, by Jessica McClintock. But after a consultation with her via mobile phone, I learned I was in error. Thankfully I was able to keep the shop girls looking for it until the manager finally came out and showed them where it was on the shelves (after having told them 3 times we did have it and where it was). I am a happy daughter. I bought Mama jewelry she loves and wears to work all the time and gets compliments on from coworkers. Now I have her favorite perfume. I am not one to say mushy things, but I like to show people I care by finding things I think are good for them, or are somehow representative of their personality as I see them. I also wanted to find something for Ben. I hadn't found anything to get him all summer. I have some nice things for Janessa, but Ben is impossible to shop for. Better to get him gift cards and let him buy stuff. But that holds little personal meaning. So after consulting with him and with Janessa, I was encouraged to find a cologne that I thought was nice and would be good on him. I found one that is really nice. I won't say the name in case he reads this before I can give it to him. It's a really wonderful scent. If and when I have a boyfriend, that is what I will get him. Then I got two little inexpensive tester bottles of perfume, and two eyeshadow triples that had colors in them that I have admired and that are coming into style for the fall. Very rich colors. Next. I got something for Toni. I'm not going to tell you on the blog, Toni. You will just have to come visit and get it in person. :) I think you'll like it. Next I found a beauty supply store that had the largest selection of OPI that I have ever seen. I have been looking for a particular color for two years. I have not seen it since then, and in fact had heard it had been discontinued. But hope springs eternal, and that hope was rewarded. I found it! I also found a color I have looked at and refused to buy for over a year. It, too, has been discontinued, so I bought one of it as well. I also got a color that was just released, and I anticipate it being discontinued soon. ;) But I don't really care, because I have one. That is the full listing of my purchases. The total damage of the day is $338.07. I had set a maximum of around $300. I overshot it, but not by enough to cause me to be ill at ease. I can honestly say that I would have purchased everything I got today even under normal circumstances (prices). So I really saved a lot of money, despite having spent so much. :) I did look at jeans. I looked at the serious name brand, everyone loves the name, jeans at a major discount. I wasn't really tempted, however, because I can buy really nice fitting jeans for a fraction of the price and with a better fit. I really don't care about brand names. With the exception of Anne Taylor and Charlotte Russe. They are the best. When we got home, we modeled our purchases, and oohed and ahhed for each other. Great fun. Now time to sleep the sleep of the satisfied forager.

Continental Knitting is Faster!

2006-08-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

I've been teaching myself how to knit using the Continental method. I learned how to knit the English way, but I heard that Continental was faster by far. So being the seeker of knowledge that I am, I decided to see for myself. The results are in, Ladies and Gentlemen. Continental is much much faster than English, even after only three days of trying as much as my hellish schedule allows (i.e. not much practice). There is an unexpected bonus as well. My stitches are more even and uniform. I'm a happy knitter!

A Long and Wonderful Weekend with a New Friend

2006-08-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

I had a really nice weekend. I had a date with a really sweet guy on Friday. We ended up spending the weekend together, as it was his last one here in Livermore. He left this morning. We were both sorry we didn't get to know each other sooner. On Friday, we met for dinner. We ate at a mexican restaurant that was really classy. It had a warm atmosphere and wonderful food. We talked about our families, or careers. Then we went back to his apartment to watch a movie. We watched Minority Report with Tom Cruise and Colin Farrell. He made me breakfast in the morning, and we decided to spend the day together. So we decided to go to the Golden Gate Park in San Fran and see the Japanese Tea Garden. We went back to my apartment so I could shower. Annie and Ying were sleeping in the living room, so we were quiet coming in. Dave stayed in my room and surfed the internet while I got ready. Annie was funny. She was excited for me that we were hitting it off so well. We all chatted about the Park and how to get there. Then Dave and I left. We got to San Fran and got directions from one of the street guys that works for money by giving directions and pamphlets. That's a much better way of doing it than just begging. Actually, next time I'm there, I will probably talk to them and give them a couple bucks. We got on one of the busses, and there was this crazy guy on it who was ranting and raving about "JFK, Martin Luther King, Bay of Pigs, children dying in Cuba, women writing 'kill my babies on their 'titties', my auntie is Whitney Houston, you ever see my album on the top 20 list?", etc. And when a guy in a wheel chair got on, forcing the nut and another guy to give up their wheel chair accessible space seats, he ranted at the guy about how he was dead weight, and it was guys like him holding the black man down carrying his weight, and one day his niggahs were gonna refuse to carry his dead weight ass and let him die and they would take power. He was a total loonie. He had two hospital wristbands, so I wonder if he was discharged or escaped. Anyway. We walked around the Park for a while. There were lots of people there, and lots of dogs, too. They were having some sort of hippie fest with Hare Krishnas and stuff. We kept going past that. We wandered around until we found the Japanese Tea Garden. We paid the $3.50 entrance fee and wandered around. It had beautiful huge bonsai trees and a long winding stream with ponds. No koi (giant goldfish), but since people were tossing coins into the water, I guess they would have been poisoned. There was a large Pagoda with the single gated entrance that no one can go through. And there was a single tiered one that people can walk under. Then we walked back toward the bus stop and found a nice little pub to have dinner. They made their own sodas and had some really cool murals. Then we took the long trip back to Livermore. We were watching a movie when the fire alarm went off. It took the firemen a long time to get there. I don't think there was a real fire, but good to be prepared to save our own lives since the fire trucks won't get there in time to help. Finished the movie. Actually he fell asleep during the movie. I woke him up to tell him he might want to go to be to sleep. I didn't think the couch was the most comfortable place. In the morning he caught his plane back home. It was a really nice weekend, and I'm glad we got to spend the time together. I just wish we'd gone out sooner. Ah, well.

Me

2006-08-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still learning about myself. I am a romantic. Scott told me I was, but I didn't believe him, then. I do believe in love. I do believe in nice guys. I don't believe in happily ever after. I guess that's the fly in the ointment. I just watched a movie that had to do with love. I don't believe in playing hard to get. I don't believe in being easy. I just believe in honesty. So now what? I need to figure out who I am. There was I time when I knew that. When I was young, I knew. Then I just survived. For years I just hung on waiting. And then we were free, and I could be me again. And I thought I knew. But, I wasn't sure anymore. Now and then I get a glimpse of me, through the dark. I like what I see, and who I am. And then I'm not that person again. Some people see that person I see. The person I am for others. That person isn't the person I am to myself. Others see the person that I am to myself, and they try to help me. They still like me, love me even, but they hate how I treat myself and the way I let myself down. So why mention this in the context of love and relationships? Because most of this comes from how I view men and how I think men view me. I know that nice guys exist. I know some. But usually, I think that when a man looks at me he's thinking that I'm unattractive and not that smart, and only good for one thing. That's not fair to men. While some are like that, many are not. My dad was. And I loved him. And that's what he told me he thought I was. I know he's wrong. Now if I could just feel that he was wrong. I think I should move to a place where there are only women and gay guys for a while. Remove sexual tension, and then learn how to deal with them. Until then, I think I will just try to be friends, and not let myself get any deeper than that. Then I can't be crushed or used. I wonder if I can. Maybe I'll dare myself. ;)

Jackie! Visit with an "Old Friend" ;)

2006-08-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot to write about Jackie's visit! Sorry Jackie! Jackie came down on Sunday. Annie, Jackie and I went shopping. Yes, I did spend money, but I've been good lately, and I got some really great deals. Including one outfit that will find it's way on this blog one day soon. We had a great time. We had lunch at Chili's. I had the chicken tacos again, they are SO good. We shopped. We helped each other pick out clothes. We had frozen drinks at Gloria Jean's Coffee. We talked about sex in detail. :) Hey, we're girls, we talk. :) We shopped some more. We talked about school. We talked about pets. We talked about... lots of stuff. It was a gab fest. Then I made dinner. Toni, pick that jaw up off the ground. I can cook. Sometimes. If I try. We chatted some more. And then she was gone. *sadness* But thankfully she is doing well and working hard. Good luck on the exams, Jackie! You will do well! I know it! :)

Day Gets Better, and If Mama had Another Daughter

2006-08-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

So, I was woken up by a phone call from my LLNL advisor. No one could get a hold of me yesterday to release my timecard. *Sigh* Then I tried to go buy my new bus pass. I was two dollars short of having the cash. But the lady at the counter said they take checks. I write out the check, and hand her my driver's license. She says they can't take out of state driver's licenses. I told her I don't have one. "You don't have one?", she asked incredulously. So I explained I was only here three months a year to work at the lab. Talking behind the glass. Then she says to me again, "We really need a California driver's license to put here," and she gestures to a part of the check. My reply was that I didn't have one (still). More talking. "I'm sorry, we really need a California driver's license." More talking. I'm waiting for her to hand me the check back. Finally she says they can't take a check with out a California driver's license, and hands me back the check. I say okay, and ask her to break a five so I can take the bus to work. And then I had to wait a half hour for the bus. So I walked a half hour to not get what I needed, then had to wait a half hour for the bus I couldn't get a pass for. *Sigh* Some things just don't work out smoothly.

Then I get to work. I work my butt off, and things are going okay, except that I keep trying to fall asleep. It is so hard to stay awake in that place while the screen flies by me at a hundred miles an hour. Any way, I have things working, other things beginning to be in the works. So it was fruitful, and frustrating. Whatever. I'll keep on it.

On the bus ride home, I ran into Dave. I hadn't seen him since the party bus. We chatted a bit, which was nice. He seems like a nice guy. We're going to do something before he leaves next week.

Then I remembered that the bbq at Scott and JC's was today. I went over and we had another nice bbq. They always have a nice get together. They're nice guys, too. We all sat around telling stories and chatting about anything and nothing. It was a very good end to a rather roughly starting day. :)

Then I got to chat with Toni about boys, faith, mysticism, religion, blogs, and saints. It's always nice to talk to her. We're so much alike. She tells me what I need to hear, and I tell her stuff, and hope it helps. I think Mama should adopt her. :) I always wanted a sister. That would be awesome. I told Mama that she should be in our family, and she agreed. She said that Toni is the daughter she had with the ambassador's aide she once made out with. Okay, the dates don't work out, but it would explain the ethnic diversity of her children. And she did say he was cute. ;)

I got a package from Mama yesterday. She sent some candy and a movie and a really cute outfit. The pants fit just right, and I wore it today. I'm so cute! The shirt I need to shrink and tie up the straps to lift it up a bit. I don't really need the girls shown off that much. ;) I watched the movie last night. It was so funny. The British are so weird. Shaun of the Dead is a really funny spoof of Dawn of the Dead. I really liked it. I think if you hadn't seen Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead would seem gruesome and strange, as Mama put it. But I'd seen it and this was soooo funny! And it had a happy ending, unlike Dawn. Ah, well.

Whatever

2006-07-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Damn these pills. I forgot to take them this morning and now I'm moody. I need ice cream, chocolate, and my knitting.

Heat Wave Finally Broke, Like a Child's Fever

2006-07-26T23:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it was cooler today than it's been in over a week. Unlike the previous week, we didn't wake to temps over 100, but it did get there this afternoon. Still felt so much better. I don't have a migraine anymore, thank God. The heat is just murder. Mama used to say the heat made her physically sick, and I never understood. But now I do. She was right. I just have no energy in heat like that; I'm tired all the time. I can handle the 90's, but once in triple digits, I can't drink enough water to keep up. And then the migraine comes and doesn't go until the heat is gone. I've never had a migraine last for days like that. Poor Janessa. Thankfully she doesn't get them very often anymore.

I went into the office today and I found Hope had left an article on my desk concerning the ignorant idea that women are under-represented in the sciences because of inate limitations. It was really good. The article may be found here:
http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v442/n7099/index.html It is in Nature Vol 442 13 July 2006. The title is "Does Gender Matter" and it's by Ben A. Barres. I think it is very good. If you have a subscription, or access to this article, I highly suggest reading it. And anyone who still thinks women don't succeed because they "think differently" from men are just burying their heads in the sand. Try making that arguement about black or hispanic people and see how that flies. Anyway. Thanks to Hope Ishii for passing the article on to me.

Dave came in also, and we talked about the next step in my project. It's so cool. I actually do understand what's going on, even if I am not sure how to manipulate the tools to get it to go that way. Yet. I'm working on it.

Annie and I made a junk food run. Yes, Mama, I am aware that it leads to mood swings, but mostly when I forget to take my pills. We got ice cream and chocolate. Awesome! Godiva chocolate ice cream with chocolate hearts. Death by oral orgasm! That came out wrong, but you get the idea.

We hosted this week's Bible Study. We had a good talk, but I feel a bit ... unsatisfied somehow. I don't know. I really don't feel like anything, for me, was accomplished by this week's discussion. I still think sometimes God does give you more than you can handle. But maybe that is when God carries you, even though your grief separates your heart from God so that you don't feel Him there. And the opinions of some of the others about how if you commit suicide that you are always sinful, or that at some point on the path you made a bad/sinful choice, and that by not relying on the "knowledge" that God won't give you more than you can handle because it says so in the Bible somewhere, your lack of faith damns you. I think that's not right. Maybe correct in some cases, but not all. If your lack of faith allows you to get to the point of such despair that suicide seems the best option, I don't think that lack of faith damns you. Just because you "should have" turned to God to "save" you, doesn't mean that you are damned because you didn't. I have had more than my fair share of pain, none of which was in my control, but instead at the hands of others. I am not tainted by sin because I wondered if living was worth it. I never would have taken my own life, because I did believe that it was a sin, but there are others who cannot survive the things I've been through, and I cannot condemn them for their weakness. In fact, it is their weakness that makes them worthy and in need of my compassion. Compassion, not excuse. Does that make me more compassionate than God? Of course not. I cannot believe that God would so condemn a soul in agony. If you have no where to turn, and no relief in sight, and are crazed by pain and grief, it is not right to withhold mercy and compassion. The Lord of the Old Testament might be this way, but not the Father of Jesus, not Jesus Himself, and not the Holy Spirit. I have reached my own breaking point, and have people and God to rely upon. That doesn't mean that it's in any way okay for me to be burdened this way, for any reason. I am angry that God has allowed these things to happen. I have not healed from the pain of my life with my father. I have not healed from these new assaults on my soul. I will survive it. But what is the point of my suffering? So that I know I can survive? So that I grow in strength? Ridiculous. I don't know why I'm made to suffer, but it isn't because I lack faith in God. I know God is here to help me. But God has given me more than I can bear, and I am angry for it. I still love God. But I am devastated, and I am angry. How many traumas can I survive in one life? I guess we'll find out. Why is it that I am the one put near people of extreme violence? Why do these people attack me? Because I'm there. Is it that most people are subjected to traumas like mine? Is that what I am to learn? That the world and majority of people are violated in every way possible by people around them? That seems wrong, and yet, this is what I know. Wow. I guess I did know why I felt unsettled and disgruntled by tonight's Bible Study group. Where's the Love, Y'all? http://www.songme.com/b/black_eyed_peas/various_songs.html

New Hair, and a Near Miss Drowning

2006-07-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

So this is my new hair cut. I really like it. I guess it's kind of hard to see in this pose, but it's really nice, and I look years younger. Woohoo! It's a shoulder length bob with chucky layers. I have to straighten it, because my hair is wavy, and like with curly hair, brushing it makes the waves poof out and get frizzy. Hate that! Thankfully straightening doesn't take much time. It's just the back I need to work on doing. Annie cut it for me. Isn't she awesome?!

She took some photos so I could send one to Mama. I tried to get one of the artiste responsible for my new image, but she escaped my watchful eye. Sneaky girl!

It's been so hot here lately! It's been around 108 for the past 5 days. Miserable! I end up going to the pool several times in a day, so that helps keep me cool. :) We went to the weekly bbq, which was moved to Tuesday instead of Thursday due to Bible Study. Kevin and I argued about whether or not the Universe can be considered infinite. I said no, and he said yes. His arguement was that you could never reach a boundary and therefore it was infinite. I said it was finite because there is a limit of the fabric of space time, which is the expanding spacetime as defined by the Big Bang. I said we may not be able to find it, but there will come a point where we are passing through previously travel regions without having changed our direction of travel. The whole, we live in a torus idea. His response was that a circle has no end, and is therefore infinite and has no boundary, and hence the same with space and time. Afterwards we went to the pool, and Ian tried to drown me several times. Kevin and Mike were much better about playing keep away and didn't try to drown me. :) Yay for being alive!

Within a Hair's Breath

2006-07-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

I came THIS close to going short, but I decided to stick with longer for now. I haven't been styling my hair much and so I think that may be my main problem. It's the whole "put no effort into it, and don't get what you want out of it" thing. :) If I put a little time into it, I really do like it. So thanks everyone I talked to and agonized with for giving me feedback and listening to me. Good to know I have so many friends willing to help me with my image crisis. And thanks to those, and you know who are, who like my hair as it is now. Makes me feel good to know I don't look bad, but just in the mood for a change. :)

Lauren, Monica, and I went shopping in San Fran today to escape the heat. It did get rather warm in the city, but no where near as bad as the 110 it got to here in Livermore. Yuck. I can't really go into the city again, so I will have to rely on the pool to keep me cool. The air conditioning isn't really keeping up with the heat. Annie turned it off while we were gone to save money on the electric, and it was an oven when Lauren and I got home. We promptly stripped to our underwear and t-shirts and I made us some iced raspberry tea with the AC going full blast. It is 106 here still at midnight. YUCK. It should be cooled down enough to sleep in an hour or two. Good thing I'm a night owl. Ah, cold drink, sudoku, and modern air conditioning. It's a good thing.

Oh, the shopping! I was SO good. Lauren found some awesome fabric for curtains for her room this year at school. She got a really good deal, too. The one fabric was very pricey, and the other was a good deal, so the expensive too-die-for fabric is the focal point and the coordinating good-deal fabric is the bulk. The second shop we went into today was this purse shop where the designer was the owner. She had some gorgeous things. And all very pricey, but not unreasonable for the quality. But, I am being careful with the money (trying to build savings as many of us are) and so I was standing firm on not spending money on anything I hadn't planned on. I had three things on my list: high heeled shoes from the major sale and Loehman's, underwear (a girl needs cute panties now and again), and make up for Mama and me from Victoria's Secret. Well. I'm in this cute little shop just minding my own business and reveling in my own resoluteness, when it caught my eye. This dark red all leather handbag. It wasn't small (which I liked), it was a rich red, it had a woven leather pattern with a canvas/heavy linen lining, and the leather was soft like butter. Yes, I knew it was soft because somehow it was in my hands the heartbeat after my eyes landed on it. I know not how that came to be. And so, there I was, embroiled in a mortal battle of wills: the will to not spend money, and the will to have this which made life worth living. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but you get the idea. The next question was, "How much?" I held my breath, knowing this was a moment of destiny. If it was divine intervention that placed this thing of beauty in my path, it would cost less than the limit of my credit card; if it was cruel temptation and a test of my faith in the path of fiscal responsibility, then it would be beyond my means. And I reached for the tag... And it was $50. My heart began to pound. I had the means to purchase it. Now did I let down my fortified walls of reason and fiscal conservatism and purchase the new center of my universe? No. Yes! NO! YES! No! YES! no! YES! no YES! no YES! no YES! And so down came my backbone of steel to kneel before the alter of Beauty. I paid for this new rich, luxurious, awe-inspiring, treasure and put it to use immediately. I carried in the store bag my old purse and my sweater (for when the sun went down and it turned cool) and walked down the street without touching the ground (it was a dirty street after all) grinning happily. I knew that when I return to Notre Dame, and my mother lays eyes on this new wonder, she will abscond with it like a ferret in a room full of shiny objects. I know what the future holds for me. She will take it. I will take it back. She will take it again. I will take it again. And so life will continue, until the end of time. Or the purse wears out, whichever comes first. We then went to the Billion Dollar Babes sale to benefit the fight against breast cancer. Here the top fashion designers put their up coming fashions on sale. There were $2000 dresses selling for $200. I didn't like them, but it was a good deal. I did try on a few things, and I have decided I need to lose like 10 pounds. Maybe 15. Unless I can just tone up the fat areas. Swimming is good exercise. And as much walking as we did today just shopping, that must count as at least one workout, maybe two. Okay, back on topic. I didn't find anything at the sale, but Monica did. She bought a nice dress. I did find that a lot of those dresses were ones I could make with better fabric. And the jewelry. Most of it looked like high quality beads on standard gold or silver jewelry craft wire. I can do that. And some of the things that Lauren has made was as good as what they were selling. I can do that. We then went to Nordstrom Rack where there was a great deal on some really cute panties. And so I got one thing on my list. Yay! We then wandered around shopping some more and Lauren found a new undergarment. She was pleased to find a good deal and a perfect fit. I was disappointed by the shoes and didn't find anything worth buying. Bummer. When we went to Victoria's Secret we found that the make up is being repackaged and won't be released until August, so I'll take a look in two weeks, and see about getting it then. To amuse ourselves we went to Sephora and checked out their make up. I wasn't impressed by their stuff. Then we had dinner and walked around and came home. In the end, I spent less than anticipated, crossed off only one item from my list but for a very good deal, and overall was very satisfied with the day. Fun, great deals, serendipitous finds, and great company. Good day. :)

Hair: Chop or Grow?

2006-07-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of chopping off all of my hair. Any votes? Longish, or shortish? Vote now, the polls close next Friday.

Productive & No Depression

2006-07-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

So I wore my contacts today. It was wonderful. I feel so much better wearing them that I know I look more confident and behave more confidently and people respond to this. I caught four guys checking me out today. Nothing crude. They just looked, and in two cases turned their heads to keep looking. And I smiled at them and they smiled in return. Not predatory smiles, shy ones, nice ones. Asking nothing of me. I was quite happy with that.

I found out why I wasn't able to submit jobs, and now that that's fixed I was able to submit a few runs. I found out why I wasn't seeing any thermal pulses, and am now seeing some. Nice. Productive. We had the HEDP lunch BBQ today. Food was only okay, but the company was good. Scott and JC were at the table where I sat. I knew a few other people, but not enough to sit with them. We had good conversation and talked the nerd talk. :) Gotta love brainiacs.

I seem to have volunteered for another project also. It's pretty interesting so I'm not complaining, and it should result in a publication. So essentially I have three projects going at once. I may be a bit too ambitious, but why not try?

I have been in good spirits all day. Yay! I got a package from home. I didn't sob in public this time, so that's progress. Mama sent a funny movie called "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum". It's one of my favorites. She sent a furry little cuddly rabbit doll. It's so soft! She sent hot cocoa, which is really wonderful, but it's a bit too hot for that here. Ah well. She also sent an adorable night shirt, which I am wearing, it says LOVE. Pretty. She also sent a rather sexy shirt. It's rather low cut so I may need some of that toupee tape the movie stars use. Haha. Okay, it's not quite that revealing. But almost. She also sent a nice card that was really sweet and my credit card from Express. Time for shopping! Not really. Although there is an incredibly massive shoe sale at Lohman's. Hmmm.... :)

Heat Stroke, Migraine, Coding Happiness, and Package From Home

2006-07-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

So my day was rather productive. I was frustrated at first by having to be home while the maintenance guy came in and changed some of the light fixtures in the apartment. I tried to be useful and working while I waited, and the guy was very nice. But, really, why is it that maintenance guys and utility guys feel compelled to call me "Sweetie"? And it's only in California that this happens. *Bewildered headshake* Anyway. I was able to load a gnu fortran compiler on Windows while I waited and tried to run some simulations and it's working nicely! In fact, it looks at this very moment like I might now have what I was looking for. Yay! Okay. Back to my day. I needed to go to the post office annex building to pick up my package from home. I knew it was miserable out (over 100 degrees) so I crushed about three trays of ice and put it in a one liter coke bottle and made some raspberry tea to take with me. I drank it all in an hour and was still overheated when I got home. I started feeling really bad as I waited for the guy to get my package, and it didn't get any better. I ended up getting a migraine because of it. So I took an Imitrex (and for the God-knows-how-manyeth time: bless the people who invented Imitrex and may their descendents know them for the miracle workers they are) and laid down with a cool drink and waited. Finally it let up, and I am again on my feet. Yay! I opened the package from home. First thing I saw were funny stickers with phrases I use all the time being quoted by silly monkeys. Does that make me a silly monkey. I can deal with that. Then I saw the card from Mama. I knew she would include a card or a letter or something. But when I saw it I was elated and the first thing I thought of was the letters Mama would write pretending to be Brandy Wyne. And then I remembered why that wasn't possible anymore and I remembered getting them while working here last year. And so I started sobbing. Loudly. On the streets of Livermore. I think I need more medication. Or a sanitarium. So I called Mama. Of course it thrilled her no end to know her card had me in such a state because of good memories. So I went home, hoping not to throw up before I got there, and hoping my brains would stay in my head as the migraine tried to pop my brain like a pimple. (Yes, I know, very gross, but that's how I felt.) After a bit I was feeling better. And Trevor called from the Heart concert and I got to hear my favorite of their songs "Alone". Nice. Thanks Trevor!

Phone Pics

2006-07-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out how to get my pictures off of my camera phone. I had a bunch of pictures on there from a long time ago. It's funny now to look at the photos of classmates as they were 2 years ago and see how they've changed.

My Brandy Wyne

I have one of Brandy from when we first moved into the house in South Bend, she was 11 then. She looks great, but the photo quality wasn't great. I only figured out later how to get better quality photos. She sure is pretty. She never did like the camera, that little clicking noise was just not cool. :)

Halloween Gypsy Ghost '04

I also have some from that first Halloween. Mama really liked that costume, and now I can email her the pics.

First Snow Office View

And here is the view of the first snow in Notre Dame from our First Year Grad Student Office. It was very pretty and exciting to finally have an Autumn that lasted longer than a week. :)

First Snow Hall View

And here is another view of the first snowfall at Notre Dame from the window in the hall outside our Frist Year Office.

Tremors

2006-07-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

So I just finished watching the whole Tremors sequence of movies. The first one is the best. The second is totally campy and rather boring. The third is okay, drags at times, but is better than the second. The fourth has it's moments and is really kind of cute and doesn't drag the way the middle two do. All in all, it's a good set of movies, but after you've seen them all once, I think the only ones worth seeing again are the first (repeat many many times, it's just SO awesome), the fourth (cute), and occasionally, if the mood strikes, the third. The second is really pretty bad, but it isn't completely without merit. It's one of those movies that has some good parts, but if you fall asleep in the middle, and wake up for the final scene, you won't feel like you missed anything.

BBQ, Bible Study, and Body Work

2006-07-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty productive day today. I went into work and found I had a problem with my star, modified it and tried it again. I think it's going to work, but I may need to modify it more. So at least I figured it out. And I have a good idea why I want to do my derivation implicitly instead of explicitly and I'm almost done. Yay!

I was a little late to tonight's bbq, but they had a little left and offered to cook more, which of course I didn't make them do. They are really cool guys. We watched an episode of The Unit. It was a pretty good show. I couldn't shut up about the Army stuff, being as knowledgeable as I am about the Army culture, but they didn't seem to mind too much. I came back from the bbq and bible study was still going on, and I had to join in. I stirred things up quite a bit. Thankfully my roommates are in agreement with me, so I didn't feel like I was out of line joining in. There was one guy, Ian, who was all into the male power and we ended up debating whether or not God decreed that women were below men and when God said that and whether it applied to today, and whether God is changing or not, and whether or not people who record the messages of God are able to do so without altering in through their own perception. Very long involved discussion. But we ended agreeing to continue the talk next week. And the same guy, Ian, said that we should invite JC because he could correct or "fill in" the dates and philosophy I didn't know! I mean, really! Wow. So we've come up with some good arguments and are going to discuss it further. Lauren tried not to smirk when I would come back at him with a logical response to the crazy things he said that he thought would shut me up. Haha! And it was awesome when Annie asked him something for which he had no response. She asked him about when we all get to heaven do we have gender? Apparently somewhere it says that we have no gender and there is therefore no gender hierarchy. He just sat there. Haha! Anyway, I was pretty happy with it because we didn't argue, we discussed and debated. But it wasn't personal. I liked that. And I wasn't the only one with my opinion. :) And Lauren called her Dad about the women not being called to serve God and lead others in faith, and he (a former Catholic, now non-denominational guy whom his daughters adore as being a loving caring respectful and respected father) thought that was the most ridiculous thing and is going to find some documentation for us to present at the next bible study meeting. I seriously like this guy.

Then I went to the gym with Annie. I just set up the machine for a cardio workout, and I reached my target in a reasonable time, but it felt too easy, I wanted to go higher and do more. I was singing along with my mp3 player no problem. I think that's how it's supposed to be, but I didn't feel pushed at all. I was able to do it at a fast walk, not a run, so it seemed pretty standard stuff to me. But I started sweating like a pig. It was really hot in there. And now I feel really good. After my 20 min on the walking/running machine, I did some weights, and did some ab work. I feel good. I could get used to this.

An Okay Day. Need more ice cream.

2006-07-13T00:13:00.000-07:00

I successfully prayed today. For some reason, when you really need to pray is when it's the hardest thing to do. I did, and I do feel better. I dreamt that Mama got me another border collie pup, and she spent a lot of time trying to find one that had similar markings to Brandy. Kelsey was thrilled to be a doggie-mama. The pup played hide and seek with me. She would hide, and then when I called to her she would come out tail wagging to find me. Good dream. I did laundry today, and cleaned up the living room. Lauren cleaned up the kitchen and bathroom. We now have a nice clean apartment. I then went into work, and got some stuff done, but not enough to satisfy me. I will just do more tomorrow. I did make progress on my derivation. I think I'm almost done. On the way home, I had to wait 50 minutes for the bus. It's supposed to come every 15 minutes, but I guess something went wrong. As I was waiting I started thinking about Brandy and remembering the little dot on her forehead that I used to rub. She loved that. I wanted to reach out to her and rub it, but of course she's not here anymore. And then I started remembering her final minutes. So before I could start sobbing loudly I called Mama to distract myself. I know Brandy wouldn't want me to grieve so, but she was such a blessing and a daily comfort. It's hard to let go of someone who was in your thoughts and actions everyday for so long. But her spirit is with me. I love you, my Girl.

Rock Bottom

2006-07-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

Lauren and I went on the Party Bus on Friday. Basically, a bunch of Livermore interns drinking on a bus while going to a pub crawl in the city. It was awesome. The low part of the evening for me was when the fat chick stomped on my foot while doing some weird fat-chick-stomping dance type thing. She was wearing stilettoes, so you know it hurt like hell. She came down on my foot just above the heel portion and next to the Achilles tendon. The bruise is only now beginning to show, and it still hurts a lot. When she did it, I shoved her away hard and she just kept on doing the fat-chick-stomping dance. Fat uncoordinated drunk bitch. Anyway. We had met up with Monica and she road back with us on the bus. While on the bus, some guy was making comments about beating up Hunter. He's in the photo standing behind Lauren. He moved forward to do it, and I stood up out of my seat to stand in his way. Lauren was sitting next to Hunter and there was no way I was going to let some guy start a fight and let Lauren get caught in the middle. So I told him to sit down, and he blabbered on, and I said that I wasn't going to let him go up there to fight while my friend was sitting next to him to get caught in the middle. The guy sat down and just looked at me like I had three heads. Someone said that I was just making things worse, and I said, "Why? I can take him any day of the week. He is not going to go up and endanger my friend." I told the guy, "Look, I don't care about Hunter, he can take care of himself, but my friend is not going to get caught in the middle. As long as she's with him, leave him alone." He said he was going to take Hunter in the parking lot. So when we got there the guyrushed forward to get off close to Hunter. He started mouthing off, and Lauren hung on Hunter. I rushed over, and the guy was about to throw, so I grabbed Lauren and pulled her away and we and Monica went over to Andrew's car. He then drove us home. Hunter took care of himself. He pinned the guy on the ground, and the guy's friend lifted him off. Hunter then turned around to face him and the guy just said he didn't want to fight him. So the guy ended up beaten pretty badly from falling to the ground and having his head rubbing the concrete, and Hunter just had a torn shirt. And I took care of my friend. I was happy. Here are some other photos of our fun night.

Lauren & Hunter

Me, Hunter, Lauren, & Curly

Me, Lauren, & Curly

Constantine & me

Monica

Monica & me

On Saturday and Sunday we went shopping in San Francisco. I bought a pair of the most fabulous shoes I have ever seen. I look ten pounds lighter in them. I had to have them. They were $90! And I bought new bras. I have gained weight and went up a size in bras, but stayed the same size in pants. How awesome is that?! So I am now a full, not barely but FULL, 34C. I am busty! OH, HAPPY DAY!

On Sunday, Lauren and I also had our hair colored. I went back to my natural color only warmer, and Lauren went to a darker chocolate brown. We both look fantastic. I will take pictures, and then repost this blog with them. :)

I realized lately that I have not been coping well with all the crap of this year. First the crap with certain people, and them making an issue of it even in the classroom. Then the assault in October. Then the classes being so boring the whole way through all year. Then Brandy dying. Then Ben leaving. Then Amanda leaving. Then the final split with my classmates and so-called friends. The incident in October brought up the whole abuse from my father thing, so I was reliving that. It all just made me feel like what the hell was life about, and why was it so shitty? I mean, why do so many truly horrible things happen to me that seem like such rare occurrences to other people? The counseling has helped, and I really have been missing it while being here. But anyway. I realized I was slipping back into the self-destructive mode and is was just getting worse. After all the bad things and Brandy being taken from me, I just wondered why bother with all this shit. I am made to suffer more than most people ever do, and then I have one of the few good things in my life taken away. It was just too much. During my hair appointment I called Mama. We talked about it and she was relieved to hear I had come to my senses. She had been really worried. We talked yesterday and again today, and I finally told her about what happened in October. She was upset I hadn't told her sooner. But I explained that her reaction wouldn't have helped me, so I didn't tell her. She would have demanded charges being brought against him, and I couldn't deal with that. Especially since I had tried to make myself believe it wasn't what is was, until I couldn't deny it anymore and started going to counseling. I'm glad I finally told her. Basically, I lost my faith with Brandy being taken from me. It was the last straw. So now I pray more, and I try to remember to be grateful for the gifts I have. And then I pray some more. They say when you can't handle anymore, all you can do is pray. I've tried for so long to make things work out, and it's not all up to me. There is God to consider as well as other people. So I'm praying. My friends were worried about me, and I thank them for that. It was all up to me, though, because I was too angry and too desperately miserable. Anyway, I am doing better now. I'm not okay yet, but I will be.

Oh, I find that I really like Ultimate Frisbee. It was so much fun! I can't really catch, but I can throw pretty well, and I'm pretty good about unnerving people on defense. Hehe. Shelley can be aggressive. Oh, and people think I'm pretty outspoken. Odd, huh? I want to stay that way.

Last Day of Vacay

2006-07-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

Day 5 (Tues 4 July):
We woke up and went straight out to Newport Beach and sat out. It was heaven! We laid there reading and sunning ourselves. Heaven. Then came the long car ride home. I got hit on by a trucker. He was nice about it though. We stopped at Livermore and showered before hitting the road again to go to Berkeley. We were supposed to meet up with some of the other interns to watch the fireworks over San Francisco, Berkeley, and Oakland. We ended up mountain climbing. It took forever to find them, and really the only one we found we Hunter, and of course he and Lauren went off to make out under the fireworks. :) Good for her. Annie had worn heels. and the rest of us had worn flip flops. We ended up having to climb back up the hill we were sitting on after having slipped halfway down during the show. Annie took off her heels and did a good job of getting up there, and Monica made it after a few slips. Ying had to help me up, and I did take my flip flops off. I had so many splinters in my feet, it was awful. Poor Ying gave Annie his shoes to walk the trail in, and he hurt his feet on the rocks. We eventually made it back to the car and went to Ying's apartment. His roommate found a pair of tweezers for me to use to try to get out as many of the thorns and splinters as I could. Some were blond and hard to find and get out. But I got all of them out but one. Good enough. We went home and I conked out.

Vacay, Installment 2

2006-07-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

Day 4 (Monday July 3):
So during the night Doug and Monica made out. They were both on the bed with Annie and me. I awoke around 5am, and Annie had moved to the floor with Ying, and so I was alone in the bed with Doug and Monica. I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, I noticed there was movement under the covers. So I go back into bed and willed myself to be asleep. The make-out session continued, and I considered my options. I really didn't want to make a big deal about it, on the other hand, I was praying they wouldn't go any farther. The next time I awoke, Zach was gone, and so was Monica, and Annie and Ying were ready to go out looking for the Hollywood sign. Lauren and I were not ready to move. We were both so tired from the hectic schedule that we both cried off from the morning's excursion. Lauren got into the bed, and she, Doug, and I slept a bit longer. Then we got up and went for a truly refreshing dip in the pool and then sat out sunning ourselves. It was SO nice and refreshing and relaxing. True vacation time. Then we got everybody else up and checked out. We all went to lunch at Mel's, which is famous for some reason. I think it has to do with the movie American Graffiti. I didn't care enough to check it out. Doug's super HOT model friend Ryan came to hang out with us for lunch. He said he'd eaten already, but Annie and Ying think he never eats. He may only eat totally healthy stuff that has like, no calories. And since he works out, his metabolism is pretty high. He has the body to prove it. The man is H-O-T, HOT! Lauren and I considered going to the water park with Doug, Brian, Donna, and Ryan, but decided we wanted to go shopping, and since that was on Annie's list of to-do's we went with them. Things had been a bit tense about keeping up the itinerary, so we were thinking it might be more fun to go with the others. It ended up being impossible to meet up with them. So along the way Annie says we probably won't have time to go to the shopping area, because she had more things she wanted to see. Lauren asked about directions to the shopping place, and a fight ensued. *sigh* Lauren and I had talked about how maybe we could still get in an hour or so of shopping if we finished up with the Groman's souvenir shopping and went straight there, and then went to the Universal Studios where Annie wanted to go. Annie took that as us ditching her plans to do what we wanted to do without consideration to her desires as well. We aren't sure of where to find the exact block to get to the fashion district, so we went straight to Universal. Lauren and Annie tried to work things out while Ying and I went looking around. There were so many shops in there. It was nothing like I had expected. We went to a silver jewellers shop, and I got something for Mama and Ying got something for Annie. When Annie and Lauren rejoined us, nothing was resolved. So we split into two groups. Lauren and I went shopping and found some awesome things, while Annie and Ying went down to the Studio portion. Things got smoothed out somehow. I think Annie talked to Ying, and he helped her see that maybe we weren't trying to be selfish and upset her plans. So that was good. We then headed over to Zach's place. We picked up some Mexican food, and rented a movie. We got Half Baked with Harland Williams. They wanted to see the movie because at SkyBar, they had seen him and had their picture taken with him. I was not impressed. I really REALLY don't care about celebrities. They are normal messed up people like everyone else and are no more and no less deserving of respect and attention than the next person. Anyway. The movie was really stupid, and I really wasn't awake for the last bit. I tried to stay awake, but it was just too hard. Lauren passed out almost immediately, and Annie fell asleep on Ying. Oh, and guess you called me throughout the day. Yep, sex crazed Simon. I slept through the night without dreams of any sort.

Vacation was MAD FUN

2006-07-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

So vacation was awesome! Let me break it down by day:

Day 1 (June 30):
We left Livermore a bit later than desired, but not too late. I had to work late and we had to stop by Walmart for last minute items. Damn those Walmart people and their lack of communication with each other. I couldn't get my contacts, so I had to go on vacation with only my glasses. Sucky. Anyway. Monica (Annie's officemate) was waiting for us at the apartment when we got there, and Ying (Annie's boyfriend) arrived a little bit after that, so we were on our way. Traffic was okay, but goodness Hwy 5 STINKS! There were 5 spots on that long ass highway that stunk so bad I actually gagged. I had to hold my nose to keep from puking. I was not a happy Shelley at that point. A couple of places just smelled like sulfur, which, while unpleasant wasn't the worst. The worst spot was the 20 miles of smelling the cattle slaughterhouse. That was where I almost lost it. I really think that I can't eat beef anymore. That was just too awful. *stomach flop* We got stuck in traffic on the 5, I forget where we were exactly, but they closed down 5 of the 6 lanes of traffic. Now how stupid is that? It took one hour to go two miles. We then spent another hour to go another mile. We had 5 more miles to go until it went down finally to one lane, so we got off that and checked the map for an alternate route. We finally found a path that would get us around and back on track. It took us 15 minutes to get around it, and then we just sped along to the end. After all that, we finally got to Zach's place in Irvine where we were spending the night. He's Annie's friend from undergrad, and an all-around awesome guy. We did have trouble in the parking lot. We got lost. HAHA! We made it all the way from Livermore, through pockets of odiferous Hells, through horrific traffic, passing through uncharted ghettos around a traffic jam, only to get lost in a one acre apartment complex. Zach had to come find us, three times! We finally settled in at 3 am.

Day 2 (July 1):
Annie's Birthday!
I awoke, not so refreshed from yet another night of nightmares, and found everyone waking slowly. We shuffled out and wandered over to Newport Beach. We had breakfast, and walked along the boardwalk. While Zach and Ying figured out how to get back onto the highway, Annie, Lauren and I shopped. I remembered just that morning that I had forgotten my bathing suit, and Annie came out of the store to tell me they had bathing suits on sale. So in I go to take a gander. I scanned the walls of suits, and saw it. It was the prettiest bikini I had ever seen. I went over to it, and it was gorgeous! And expensive. But I had to, HAD TO, try it on. It fit perfectly, like it was made just for me. The pattern has Star Gazer Lilies on it, which is my absolute favorite flower. I had to have it. So I grabbed the bottom, the top, and the cover-up, and marched my butt over to the register to pay. I spent around $130 on the ensemble, and it's the best deal for swimming attire that I've ever had. I LOVE IT! The whole transaction, from sight to credit card receipt signing took maybe 15 minutes. That must be a record. Then we went to Venice Beach. We saw this wrinkled 70 year old working out at Muscle Beach. It wasn't until later in the day the some younger hot guys showed up to work out. We also saw a guy in a very short speedo. In fact, he looked naked until you looked at him from the front. Shocking. We changed into our bikini's and laid out on the beach. Monica's and my shoulders were burned. We had sun from sitting in the car driving down on Friday, and then out on the beach. Our light skin objected in the only way it knows how. Ouch. At least it wasn't too bad. And now my legs don't glow in the day, just in the dark. Woo hoo! My arms are a shade lighter than light brown sugar, but my legs are ecru. Ah, well. Then we went gallivanting around LA. We saw the Beverly Hills Hotel. All I could think of was the scene in Beverly Hills Cop where Axel Foley pulled a typical con. "Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, I'm a small reporter from "Rolling Stone" magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article "Michael Jackson Is Sitting On Top of the World," but now I think I might as well just call it "Michael Jackson Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel 'Cause There Ain't No Niggers Allowed in There!" Eddie Murphy is the funniest guy ever! Okay, sue me. It wasn't the same hotel. Close enough. Anyway, I digress. We then went in search of the Playboy Mansion. I'm sure all you who know me well realize instantly that this could not possibly have been my idea, and you're right. It was Annie's birthday, so my mouth remained closed. Happy Birthday, Annie. We found a number of houses which we thought it could have been, and so Annie stood up through the sun roof and took pictures as we slowly drove by. We regrouped after a potty break at a dog walking park around the corner, and figured out which one it had to be, and drove by again. It was the one with the barbed wire along the top of the fence. HAHA. I guess they need it to keep out all the perverts looking for naked pubescent boys with implants. Then we went in search of the hotel. We found it and checked in. Ah, shower. It's so nice to be clean. We then dressed up. We had some dinner and came back with wine. Doug, Brian, and Donna arrived and settled in and got ready to go out with us. We took a cab to the club, and waited in line forever. We finally got in and danced all night. Lauren went off dancing with this guy that was okay looking (he later called her). Annie got plastered and kept asking everyone if they were famous. HAHA. So funny. We did meet some members of a band that's popular locally, and a model friend of theirs. When Annie asked her if she was famous she said the well, she was a model. Annie replied, "Why? Because you're beautiful?" Monica and I were hit on by a group of guys, and they were going to buy us drinks, but they took too long and were way too drunk, so we moved over to talk to Annie and Ying. A few minutes later, the bouncer came and looked at them with his flash light. He then grabbed one of the guys who had been hitting on us and slammed his neck down onto the bar. The guy just put up his hands and didn't resist. The bouncer radioed for back up, and they threw the guy out. He had been peeing at the bar!!! Thank God none of us hadn't been anywhere near them at that point. YUCK! We then rounded up everyone and went in search of drunk food. We went to a pizza place and had some amazing pepperoni pizza. There was a drunk Hispanic guy passed out at a table with his carryout order on the table in front of him. The cashier tried to rouse him, but couldn't, so she called the paramedics. They arrived, sirens and lights going, and woke him up. They almost took him away anyway, but he managed to convince them he could get home okay. Annie even got a picture of him. We returned to the hotel room, where zonking out took place. I awoke in the middle of the night, and found a bit of rearranging had been done, and a little snuggling had taken place along with a little kissing. Not by me, of course. *sad sigh* HAHA.

Day 3 (July 2):
Woke up after a night of restless sleep and nightmares. Thankfully the wake-up-screaming variety. Breakfast was had at a nice little diner. We were able to see the Hollywood sign through the trees from there. Then we found a cafe/restaurant that Annie wanted to see where lots of celebrities go to. I don't remember the name. There were lots of ritzy shops so we did some shopping. I got a little something for Mama, which I will mail her tomorrow. Until she gets it, I'm not posting any pictures! ;) Then we split off into groups. Doug, Brian, and Donna, did stuff on their own. Annie, Lauren, Monica, Ying, Zach, and I went off on our own. First we went to check into the other hotel. We checked in and the guy was paranoid about us sneaking people into the room. Of course we were going to but he made it clear he would watch us. So Annie and I go to the room after checking in. There was no thermostat to control the temperature; it had central air controlled by the main office. And the air was off, despite the 98 degrees outside. Annoying, but not a deal breaker. Then I go to the bathroom. The shower was like a prison shower stall, and there was black mold all over the ceiling and on the tops of the walls. That was it. There's no way I could stay in that room even a single night. We talked to the manager who said all the rooms were like that, so we checked out. He also said that he couldn't give me a refund, because Orbitz had processed the reservation and the payment. I'll be calling them and putting up a huge fuss. Then we went back to the Grafton and got another room. The Grafton is a fantastic hotel, and the staff was really friendly and helpful. If I go back to LA, I will stay there again. So off to Groman's theatre we went and walked along the walk of fame. It was really hot, and I got a huge blister on my heel. Shelley was a very cranky tourist. We then went shopping to get some dresses to go a fancy club. I found a gorgeous dress and some sexy shoes. Then we met up with the rest of the group. We went to the SkyBar. I got hit on by several Israeli guys. I knew it was time to find my friends when Simon the Israeli said that we should go back to his place, and that he could make me very happy seven times. Hmm. A promise of multiple orgasms. As nice as that was, I decided it was best to pass. He called me the next day, calling me Sexy and Sweetie. He tried to entice me to meet up with him telling me he had a surprise for me. Hmm... I wonder what he could have waiting for me... And then he gave me the clue that is was 22.... centimeters. When he said 22, I was thinking, "He must not be talking about his penis after all." Then he finished with centimeters and I had to struggle not to laugh at his audacity. I hung up and told everyone what he said, and I just could not stop laughing. I mean really! Giving your penis stats to get a girl to have sex with you is bad enough, but the least he could have done is convert it to inches. HAHA! After doing the exact conversion, I am a bit disappointed at my missed "opportunity". NOT! HAHA! Anyway. Now I know to stay away from Israeli men, and that they aren't really very different than Arab men when it comes to their treatment of women. I must admit a certain satisfaction for my ego at being wanted so much and him seeming to be genuinely awed by my beauty and sex appeal (ha hah! I am attractive!), but there's really nothing worse than being treated like a piece of meat that can be bought or sold on a whim. Anyway. Doug's friend Ryan, a male model who is probably the sexiest man I've ever seen in the flesh, showed up at the party and hung out with us the rest of the night, including at the hotel for a while. We ordered pizza's, and somehow instead of sending the call to the number for the pizza place, I called Brian's phone. He totally pranked me. We went through the entire order, and he asked if I needed red pepper. No. Grated cheese? No. Garlic bread? No. Prophylactics. What? Condoms, do you need any condoms? I look over at the others, totally at a loss as to how to respond the this guy, and I see Donna, Brian, Doug, and Zach, rolling around on the floor and on each other, laughing as if it was killing them. I had been concentrating on the order so hard that I hadn't heard them. HAHA! HAHA! It was soooooooo funny! He totally got me! It was a good night.

Okay. The last two days will have to be on the next blog, because I've worn myself out writing this one. Ta-ta, ya'll!

Road Trip!

2006-06-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

Going to LA! Lots of partying and fun in the sun with a bunch of people! Woo hoo!

Fun and Nightmares

2006-06-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

I had a great day at work yesterday. Dave came in and saw the first model I was developing, and it wasn't what we wanted. It was interesting, but it wasn't going to start flashing so we figured out some parameters to alter to get the kind of star we need. I then "grew" one. I have more of them to make today. I really like this part. It's not hard, and it's rather fun to see it coming together.

The party last night was cancelled. So we went to see X3: The Last Stand. The first two movies were much better, but this one was okay. The teasing bits at the end were the most interesting parts.

Ying gave Annie her birthday present early since we will be in LA for her birthday tomorrow. He bought her a guitar! She was so excited. She has been wanting to get one for a while. She knows a few songs, but is slow on the chord transitions, or so she says. What little she did play sounded nice to me. I guess that's like when I play a small bit on the piano horribly, but to someone who doesn't know it sounds lovely. :) Gotta love that about music.

I had 3 nights free of nightmares; two nights without dreams, and one night with good dreams. Then last night I had nightmares again. I was dreaming that my parents were still together, and Dad was just an ominous background figure, doing nothing but watching tv and preaching at us from his computer desk. Sounds about normal for his least violent and least menacing moods. And I was getting ready to go to LLNL for the summer and Brandy was dying. And it looked sometimes like she was fine, but other times she was very sick. It was two days before I was to leave and it was clear she was going to live for a while past me leaving, but certainly not until I could return. And so I was upset about leaving her knowing she would die in my absence. And crying. Sobbing. Hysterical. And all the while Mama telling me I did my best for her, that she knew I loved her, and that I had to do what I needed to do. And the last part I remember was me looking at Brandy, and knowing she was going to die, and being helpless to change it, and her looking at me, wanting my attention. My roommate came in then, telling me I had to wake up so we wouldn't be late for work. I was awake then, and felt like I'd been crying, and my eyes were swollen, but there were no dried tears, so I guess I didn't.

Coding Conquest

2006-06-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

There have been many successes today. That coding issue I've been fighting for a week is resolved, and it wasn't my fault! YAY! I was given the old version of the generating code which no longer works with the evolutionary code. So we found the right version, and I fixed the bugs in those, damn MAC to Unix conversion BS. Anyway. I am now ready to rock and roll! *Happy Dance*

Tomorrow night, Lauren and I are going to a party with some of Hunter's friends. It's flirting time! Then after work on Friday we leave for LA! Party time! Woo hoo! Yay! I wasn't having much fun for the longest time, because I was trying to be good and work as much as possible. Now that I've been going out and doing things, I work harder during the day and actually get more done. Who'd've thought partying would lead to greater productivity? Win - Win.

I found a Catholic church nearby. St. Michael's is just two blocks away. St. Michael's. How appropriate is that for me? Haha. It's fate! I'm going to try to go most mornings too. That way I get up earlier and get can then walk to work since it'll be cool enough still.

Read at your own RISK

2006-06-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

I have discovered I love the game RISK. While I am not particularly good or bad at it, it's just loads of fun. Making threats, waging war, collaborating, devising strategies and counter strategies, watching for signs of opponents plans, preemptive strikes, reactive strikes, blood lust, and all out mayhem. I LOVE IT! It's fun even when you lose! We play it on our lunch breaks. Bob the Devious has me hooked on it. I may quit grad school and become an Olympic RISK player. Let the Games commence!

Oh, and my Notre Dame UNO cards are awesome also. The Notre Dame Euchre cards, too. I wonder if there's a Notre Dame version of RISK... I wonder what the other regions would be... Michigan Swampland, Air Force Plane Cemeteries, USC Used Condoms Garbage Dump... hmmm.... ;)

They Miss Me

2006-06-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

I talked to Mama this morning, and she said my Alex really misses me. He hasn't wanted to eat and was vomiting this morning, which he does when the world is just not right in the world according to Ally. So she put him on the phone so he would hear me talk to him, and he whimpered and huffed and puffed into the phone. He then gave Mama a look of supreme happiness, and all was right with the world. So then Kelsey was put on the phone. I heard her huffling and panting also. She didn't look particularly depressed before, but after talking to me, she gave Mama a look of peace and satisfaction. Next came Tigger, and she listened and panted to me as I cooed to her. She also smiled beneficently at Mama. So my babies were worried that I wouldn't come back. I don't think they could handle losing another pack member right now, so thankfully they don't and are thrilled to pieces to know I'm out there somewhere. (Does anyone else hear Over the Rainbow in the background?) It's good to know that my babies miss me as much as I miss them.

Alex before:

Alex After:

Kelsey Before:

Kelsey After:

Tigger Before:

Tigger After:

I'm not Waiting for Tomorrow, Today is Another Day

2006-06-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

Okay. So everyone knows I've had a rough year, filled with personal issues and dramas and traumas. While being here in Cali, I've been fighting my demons. I've been plagued by nightmares about my dad, betrayals by friends, traumas with men, deaths of loved ones, missing my loved ones at home, friends moving away, etc. I've continued to grieve over losing Brandy, dreaming of her being with me and waking to find her gone. And so my nightmares have been while asleep and awake. I can't continue like this. And so I won't. I'm going to take a shower, and then I'll do some laundry. Then I'm going to clean up my room and move my (Amanda's) air mattress. Then I'm going to make a chicken salad sandwich. Then I'm going to work on my programming and do some reading. And as the day cools off, I'm going to take a long walk and take some pictures of California. Then I'm going to come back to my apartment, order a pizza, put on a movie and do some more programming. I will take some time to pray and ask for God's mercy and peace for myself and for all who seek it, and for Mama's first day at her new job to go well. And then I will go to bed and sleep, so I can be well rested for work tomorrow. I may continue to have nightmares, but I will try to make my waking hours as peaceful as I can.

Paradise (no longer) Lost

2006-06-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

So my knitting came in today! I was very tickled. Happiness is knitting. Okay, actually, happiness is knitting while drinking a glass of wine with the tv on something good or a movie. But I'll take what I can get at the moment.

Helped Mama shop for clothes via cell phone. Pix messages are wonderful things! Now she just needs some accessories, colorful scarves and jewelry. Now she has a full wardrobe for her new job. She will of course need to add to it, but it's good enough for now. :)

Chinese Food = Good
Chinese Food + Delivery = Heaven

I don't want to sleep

2006-06-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

So I seem to write several times a day lately. Thoughts just occur to me, and I write. I wonder if that means I'm stalking myself...

So I've been having bad dreams lately. I had one last night and my dad was in it. There was some guy who had his dog with him, and he was a friend of dad's. He was taking him to the vet because the dog was sick. It was a yellow lab and he couldn't move his back legs. They guy was trying to get the dog to walk and bring him into the vet's office which was next door. When dad saw the dog dragging his legs he decided it was just being disobediant, and decided to punish him and spanked him calling him a bad boy. I yell at him and shove him away, and we argue. And by argue I mean scream at the top of our lungs. I woke myself up yelling at him. Then I went back to sleep. I dreamed that I was holding Brandy. And when I woke up, I was heartbroken. So started my day. I haven't slept without dreams like this all week. Now I don't want to go to sleep. I guess I will just try praying.

Knitting package from home MIA

2006-06-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

Oh! Where the Bloody Hell is my knitting package from home? It's been a week. That's way too long for a first class package to take. Bastard Postal Service! Unless it's been delivered and someone stole it. Asshole! I will hunt them down. Then I will drag them through the streets by their feet in the burning heat of day. Then I will hang them upside down above a beehive of angry bees, in the open sun. Don't they know that you can't take knitting projects away from a knitter?! Cruel! Heartless!

Coding Hell

2006-06-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

Okay. So. When I fix one error, I find another. No one told me that simply moving files into new folders would change their properties. It shouldn't. But it does. DAMN IT! (And to say it right, say it slowly, carefully enunciating each syllable with extreme stress on the T.) And whoever said 94 pages of textbook reading was "all" I had to do needs to die a slow painful death. Okay, he doesn't really, but it's going to take more than one day to read. Seriously. And I get to work this weekend to get my model up and running so when The Mad Bomber gets back from vacation I have something to show him. Damn coding. Talking between Mac and PC and Unix shouldn't introduce crap, and why can't new line be the same command?! DAMN IT! (Fast and loud this time.) Okay. Fine. But if I'm going to work all weekend, I'm going to need wine and lots of it. And the phone number of a Chinese place that delivers.

The Best News!

2006-06-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

After my long description of my dream, I forgot about the best news that I got yesterday. Mama got that job! She is now the Administrative Assistant to the Vice Chancelor of Public Affairs and University Developement at UISB. Yoo hoo! Nice! I'm so excited for her. I danced around the livingroom. Yay! She starts Monday.

Mama reminded me today that I didn't explain what the symbolism of my dream was. I looked up tornadoes, and they symbolize violent upheaval and/or separation from loved ones. So there were five tornadoes that all synchronized together to form a larger sixth tornado. Have fun with that puzzle.

Damn Dreams

2006-06-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

I just found out about the symbolism of a dream I had last night. I was there with both of my parents and we were still living in our house in North Carolina. For those of you who know me, you'll know that this is a nightmare in and of itself. But it gets better. HE, and you know who he is, was holding a puppy and playing with it, and when she started to pee, he handed her to me. I made some comment about "sure give her to me to take care of when making a mess, and you take her when she's fun". He then laughs and says, "okay, I'll train her where to go." He takes her from me, and takes her to my room scolds her and says, "you potty here, not on Daddy" and laughs. He then spanks her bottom to scold her. I pick her up and we have an argument about inappropriate behavior with the dog, confusing her and that it isn't funny or a joke to teach her that it's okay to potty in my room or anywhere else in the house. He blows up and we end up shouting, as we had done in real life, and Mama jumps in to say that it wasn't really a funny joke and that he shouldn't do it again and that we should stop yelling because it wasn't that serious a problem. He then decides he has a headache and goes to bed, and we of course have to be quiet from now on to let him rest. And somehow, I have three sisters. One has her own place somewhere, school or something, and the other two live at home. I got the impression that the sister who was out of the house was becoming a Daddy's girl because he's buy her things and she no longer had to deal with hardly at all. One of the sisters at home basically stayed out of the way and didn't make waves, and the other one was a total Daddy's girl who would side with him on everything and continue the fight after it was finished. I was the only one fed up with him and how he treated "us" and "our" mother, and so I was the only one willing to fight with him, and so, of course, he targeted me. Actually, the passive sister hated the treatment we were all subjected to, but would hide until the coast was clear and never talk about it openly. So, after he goes to bed, Mama gets back to doing chores around the house with a final, "let it go" to me, and then Daddy's girl and I got into it about the fight I'd had with him. She's telling me he's right, it was a joke, I should lighten up on him, I'm such a Mama's girl, what's my problem. And I'm telling her he's an abusive asshole, and she should grow up and smell the bullshit around us instead of pretending it was mud and playing with it. I remember that part rather clearly. Then the dogs are outside and Mama's dog is a huge mastiff sized yellow lab that was profoundly stupid and slobbery but very loving, and he was called "Cuddles". Some of the older neighborhood boys were playing with him and asked me what sort of name was Cuddles for a big dog, and I laughed. Then I see that there were flames coming out from under the house and at that moment one of my "sisters" comes running up to me and is shouting, "fire!" So Mama tries to get everyone out including the dogs who are now running around all over the place. Everyone is running around and yelling at Dad to get up and take care of it. He sort of grunts and rolls over. Flames are now coming up outside the windows and I am grabbing dogs and putting them in the car away from the house so they are safe and out of the way. As I am doing this the "Daddy's Girl" sister comes up to me and tells me to stop messing with the dogs and grab the important things. Of course my response was that the dogs were the most important things, and what else should I save as more important? Papers, pictures? Etc. Then I carry on. Finally he gets up and goes down stairs to look at the now inferno and throws some water on part of it, and the wind picks up and puts out part of it, and the water puts out the rest. He grunts and returns to bed. Then Mama tells me that it was a really great idea to put the dogs in the car to keep the dogs safe and out of the way. Then we all start to notice the wind is really picking up. I let the dogs out of the car and back into the house. As I do so I hear a radio warning for tornadoes in my area specifically, and I look up to see one headed my way. So we all run inside and watch the destruction. Thankfully it doesn't hit our house, but it hits other houses nearby that are empty. As I'm watching, I see it move off and be joined by another tornado from the other side and they both travel together and are joined by three others. As the come together they remain separate, but move together as one tornado, twisting around each other and moving up and down. I just stand there watching them. And then I woke up feeling stressed out and anxious.

Damn dreams. I'm not so much into symbolism when I'm awake, so why can't I just read myself a dialogue and come out with it in plain English?

Finally! Legal Internet Connection

2006-06-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

So we finally have our own internet connection. The guy came to install it and just plugged it in and left. Hell, I could've done that. So I hooked it up to my computer, and it would only let me go so far before it said I had to call customer support to verify info. So I did, and got a tech support guy in Michigan who, naturally, couldn't mess with the accounts here in California. So I called again and put in a bogus phone number with a local California area code, and finally got a tech here in Cali. So then he couldn't find the account and couldn't locate the modem on his system. We tried Annie's name with various spellings of her last name. We tried the service number. We tried Annie's phone number. We tried our address. We tried the zip code. Nothing. Finally he looked for it under the MAC ID number from the bottom of the modem and he found it. All the info was there on the file and should have popped up during the search, but didn't. We did find however that the service order had to numbers exchanged. Either I gave it to him wrong or he put it in wrong and I didn't catch it when he said it back to me. Anyway. Finally got it set up on his end, and just had to load the driver. And, Lo and Behold!, the driver for this modem wasn't on the install CD. So I had to do some looking around to make sure, and finally had to decide to find it online, said goodbye to the tech. And dumped all of the install crap from my computer, and hooked it up to the wireless router, and voila! We have internet. The router doesn't need the driver, so what do I care. We all have wireless modems anyway and prefer to connect that way. Ha Ha! Victory is MINE!

So we are thinking about adding a roommate or two. If we add this one guy, then he can either split the large bedroom with me (trust me, there will be no nudity or hanky panky), or he can take the livingroom. If we add two, one will share with me, and the other can take the living room, or they can split the living room. Either way, that's less in rent and utilities for me to pay. It was Annie's idea, but Lauren and I agree that it's okay and even a good idea. Now we're thinking about taking a trip to LA where the beaches are warmer. And staying with a friend of Annie's who lives near Hollywood in a neighborhood with famous people. Oh, the excitement!

And Amanda, I promise to put up some photos of Cali very soon. :)

Third Posting from Cali! (still nothing new comes to mind)

2006-06-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

Why is it I suddenly can't sleep? Is it the nightmares? Maybe. They weren't SO bad, but they were very stressful. Too close to reality. Maybe I just slept too much over the past few days while in the depth of my depression. I'm still exhausted, though.

I am feeling better, though. I talked to Mama and she told me to get a movie and some chocolate. And J called. We chatted about our similar depression issues. We chatted about boys and how wonderful and stupid they can be. She said Pride and Prejudice was an awesome movie for helping put life in perspective. The bad guys get their comeupance and the good guys have happy endings. Always a good thing. I can say that I wish life were like that, but I rather think it is. I've seen the things that happen to people who hurt others to feel better about themselves. They are miserable their whole lives and never get whatever it is they need to be happy, regardless of the successes they achieve. I can't really think of a worse fate than that. On the other hand, good people don't necessarily get the good things they deserve. Well... Maybe they do, but they seem to get more than their fair share of excrement in life, too. (See how PC I'm being? I didn't say they get fucked too often. Oops. Damn.) Now I'm being philosophical. Time to start drinking.

Anyway. Last night I went out and got a movie (okay two) and some chocolate. And we stopped by and got a carton of ice cream. Oh, Heaven! We had some while we watched the movie. It was sooooo much fun. I got to do some crochet also. So I was feeling a lot better.

Mama had her second interview this morning. It's down to her and one other applicant. Even if she doesn't get this one she has gained a lot of confidence about her hireability. She knows she can get the sort of job she wants. She just has to keep trying and be confident. I do hope she gets this one, though, so she can stop looking. But it may be as much a pain in the butt to have this job as to keep looking and find one with someone more laid back. But the person is calling the references now. I think Mama probably has the best references. Her references can speak about her interpersonal skills, and her quick learning ability, and how she then becomes expert enough to teach others, and how smart she is. And if that's not perfect for any employer, then I don't know what is.

Second Posting from Cali (I will need something more original soon)

2006-06-20T10:36:00.000-07:00

My borrowed internet connection is working at the moment, so I think I'll take advantage and write something. I have recovered somewhat from my wild depression of yesterday. I only woke up crying in the middle of the night once. Boy, that does sound pathetic. But really, I am feeling better. My team won the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Yay Canes! My condolances to the hard playing Oilers. I didn't get to see it, but the updates on ESPN.com were pretty exciting.

I have a lot to do today. But I still can't get out of bed. I spent the last hour reading the news and reading updated knitters blogs. I think my knitting stuff should arrive today. I had a crochet project to finish, so that's what I took with me on the plane, but I soon learned that while I love crocheting, I still need to satisfy my knitting cravings. Thankfully I have a fabulous Mama who kindly sent me my knitting First Class. Strangely enough, the packages are arriving by order of weight, heaviest to lightest. Can't get my brain around that one. It's the complex networking of the Postal System. I just don't know the algorithms for it. I wonder if anyone truely does... I also need to get a bus pass so I can go anywhere I want. I have the urge to go to Walmart to buy movies so I have something to watch at night, but since I'm trying to be frugal I have refrained. Be amazed at my self control.

I'm getting tired of reading theory. So I think I'll go in and do some programming today. I do need to evolve a new core. And since I'm set up to print I can print out the rest of my assigned readings.

Okay, I'll go shower (you're welcome to all who have to smell me today), and get out of here. Maybe later I'll add some pictures to my blog.

First posting from Cali!

2006-06-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

I'm finally taking some time to post something, and I figured I'd try this new blog site. I like LiveJournal, but...

So Livermore is really nice. It's hot here, but it hasn't been that bad. We have a nice breeze and the air smells sweet.

I'm really depressed. I miss my Brandy Wyne. She was the best border collie ever born; she was an angel. But I guess she really is now. Mama was right. She thought it would hit me hard once I got out here that she's gone. Things were too hectic and stressful at the time. I had enough trouble getting out of bed every morning to just keep going as it was. I guess I was so used to just pushing forward that I did it with her death, too. Now that I don't have to focus on just surviving, I can deal with losing her. Even though she wasn't in any pain from the cancer eating her alive, it still feels like the cruelest thing in the world to have happen. And I want her back with her soul and personality intact, but with the cancer gone. I can't have that. All I want is to hold her again.

What a cheery first blog. Wow, I'll bet you're happy you read this.

I did figure out a real plan for my Ph.D thesis. And I made a new contact with a real expert in the field who wants to be added as a co-advisor. He is the tank guy who gave one of our colloquia at Notre Dame and put random tank trivia in his presentation to keep us all awake. People still talk about him. His university is in Australia, so I may bet to go there some time. Which I would totally love! Traveling more would be wonderful.

Alex spent half the night in my room last night. Mama went looking for him and there he was, and he wouldn't leave to go sleep with her. It makes me really happy that he loves me so much, but I'm sad that he's so unhappy I'm gone. He's such a loving bundle of white fur! Kelsey is still moping about me being gone. She hears me on the phone, wags her tail a little, and walks away. She likes to hear my voice because it's the only contact with me she has for now, but it reminds her I'm not there.

Okay, now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone who reads this, I'm going to go read some stuff on helium shell flashes.