Fellowships and the New Pregnancy

Michael and I applied for the same fellowship program and we were both accepted! So now we have a raise and I don't have to TA anymore. It's renewable after a year, as well. They didn't mind that I'm due to deliver in mid June, which was great. The summer is when there are most of the teaching duties, and that's where we have to work out logistics of taking care of Jamie and Renna (the new baby - a girl). It looks like with Mama and Michael's parents and sisters, we'll have child care covered for all 7 weeks if plan A doesn't work out. And actually, Michael's duties may end before mine, so then there'd be no conflict. :)

I had my committee meeting a week and a half ago, and they liked my thesis plan. It looks like I'll probably be able to graduate next fall. :)

I'm still working on the Betelgeuse paper, but that's really almost done. I'll be so glad to see the back end of this project!

Post-0p Check Up and More Happy Tears

My boy generously giving Daddy his toy October 12th.

My boy and me watching Da Bears on September 28th.

September 25th, 2008

Wow. I haven't kept up with this blog very well. Jamie was released from the hospital on Thursday September 18th. For the whole story go over to my other blog. I was much better about updates over there. He has really done very well, and has even gained weight. He's now 20lbs 1oz! That is so much better! It's still not up to his pre-sick weight, but he looks healthy and seems healthy. We had his first post-op check up today. I left crying, I was so happy. They don't need to see him for a year, and Dr. West said there are no medical restrictions on his activities. Here we were, back in the hospital where my poor baby had tubes and blood and real risk of dying only a month ago, and they were telling me he was healthy and normal and could do anything. I'm still so relieved I can't stand it. I've been afraid they'd say there was something wrong. Going back there was great and terrible. Great because they saved him. Great because we took him home the first time. Great because we got to take him home again. Great because they told us he was perfect. Great because it reminded us of how wonderful the medical care is there. Terrible because I was reminded of my baby laying lifeless on a bed with tubes in him. Terrible because I was reminded of how we could have lost him. Terrible because it reminded me of my baby looking at me to save him and make all the bad things go away, and me being unable to fix it, even if I did get him the best care I could. Terrible because I know that just a few weeks ago at that very hospital, another little boy died after a few short weeks of life after surgery and pain. That hospital isn't full of only happy endings. But we got one, and I'm so grateful. All I can do now is thank God for letting our boy stay with us, thank everyone who prayed for us, and thank all the nurses and doctors for taking such good care of him, and thank Jamie for being such a resilient fighter and not giving up.

On an academic note, I'm working on getting that darn paper written up about the models I've been running on Betelgeuse. I've finished all 66 (yes, I did say 66!) models and will now begin the daunting task of graphing and combining models. Also, it looks like I'll be supported on RA next semester! So work is going very well, despite 3 weeks of frustration due to coding HELL. Seriously, HELL. Anyway. After this paper is out, I'll be working on the coding again. SIGH But, on the major upside, I'll be able to start a new project. More to come on that later. But a tantalizing hint: lots of data on binaries! :)

We're getting the house ready to sell it. The market really sucks, but our house is actually in great shape as compared with a lot of what's on the market, so I think it should sell in a few months at most. We have found a house we'd like to buy if it's still available when we get an offer on ours. It's only a few blocks away, is much larger, needs some work, but is livable and has fabulous potential. But if it's not on the market when we're ready to make an offer then we'll find something else and that's okay.

Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia

So here is my Darling Boy. He had the stomach flu and just didn't stop vomiting. So I took him into the pediatrician and saw a new woman (only appointment we could get, but she is seriously awesome I may switch to her permanently), and she recommended admitting him for IV fluids. He was so dehydrated that it took 7 tries (7 TRIES!) to get the IV in. During the 6th try they were holding his arms and legs down but one of the nurses had her arm close to his mouth and he reached up and bit her. BIT HER! He decided that if his teeth were the only part he could control and use to defend himself, then by God he was going to use it! Such a spunky boy! Thankfully it didn't break the skin. They took a chest x-ray. After asking about it, they finally said the doctor would come in to discuss it with us. The x-ray showed he had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia on the right side. From birth there has been a hole in his diaphragm and his abdominal organs have been able to travel into his chest. It is a life threatening condition that is caused by a congenital defect which develops during the 7th to 10th weeks of gestation and survival is 80% with modern medicine. (Which means there's a 20% mortality rate, don't think I didn't see that!) What happens is that two "flaps" of the diaphragm don't grow together properly, leaving a hole, usually on the left side. This is often found during ultrasounds or diagnosed within days of birth. With Jamie, his ultrasounds looked normal, and he was very healthy and growing normally until recently and so there was no suspicion of a defect. They think that when he got the stomach flu, the pressure of vomiting pushed the organs up farther making it obvious in x-ray. Anyway, they then flew him to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis by MedFlight helicopter so they could have time to stabilize him for surgery. We followed him by car, arriving 3 hours after he did. Surgery began at 8am and by 11am they had finished. So that was the faster end of the spectrum. I don't think I've ever cried so hard from relief in my entire life. Mama and Michael had to tell people I was crying happy tears. I guess I sounded rather devastated, which I was just from the whole "I could lose him" fear. They had no complications, no bleeding issues (no transfusion), the organs looked pretty good, the lungs looked better than expected, the diaphragm had enough of it's own tissue that they were able to just sew it up without adding anything to cover the hole. The liver, colon, appendix, lower intestine, part of the upper intestine, part of the stomach, and part of one kidney were all in the chest cavity. The lung that was compressed the most was partially collapsed. I don't know how much of it was working vs. filled with fluid. The chest tube is still in and the fluid is draining out. There is a bruise on the lower intestine, but it didn't look bad enough to remove, so the doctor just left it to see if it will repair on it's own. After the surgery, the lungs and heart had moved to fill 75% of the chest cavity, which is apparently super wonderful since sometimes the "squish" is permanent. His lungs don't seem to be underdeveloped, which is again amazing given the condition. They are giving him calories via the central line to help him gain weight and stay strong since he already lost weight and hadn't eaten in so long. Okay, he'd eaten, he'd just not digested. Small difference, I know. He is now on morphine every 3 hours. Every 4 was too far apart. His fluid output isn't matching input, which is probably him building up some lost fluids. His urine looks much better than before surgery, but it's still a bit cloudy, so we'll see what the doc says here soon. A lot of people have been praying for my darling, so please continue praying. I know it's greedy of me, but I still want as many miracles for his recovery as I can get. He is a brave wonderful strong courageous boy. We need him.

New Projects and Old Grievances

I'm working on the reversible cabled scarf. I'm using yarn my friend Amanda gave me and I absolutely love it! I love purple, and heathered variagated purple is even better!

Jamie is growing so fast! He's using his hands to grasp shirts for several days and tonight he actually reached for and grabbed a toy on his new bouncy seat. I think he reached for a toy on the mobile of his swing a couple of days ago, but it was too far away. We also decided to start the weaning process because I've had some problems with milk supply and I'm a bit tired of being unable to be away from Jamie for more than 3 seconds (only a slight exaggeration). However, I stopped using the nipple guard, and now my milk supply is much improved. Also, Jamie latches on very well now, which he didn't for several weeks, which is why I was using the nipple shield. So just as we decide to wean him, breastfeeding gets easier. I still want to mostly wean him to get a little more freedom, but I'll try to do partial breastfeeding for a while.

In other recovery news, my incision opened up at one end. It's okay really, but I'm a little exasperated. I'm feeling much better, but the lingering soreness and now this complication are wearing on me. There is a lot that's going right, but I have problems with patience.

I'm working on research for my candidacy exam, and I'm stressing out about passing it. I'm sure I will, but until it's a done deal I'm going to be obsessive and paranoid. It's my nature.

Ramble on Motherhood

Motherhood is awesome. And tiring. And stressful. And the most wonderful thing I've ever done. My darling boy sleeps well 2 nights out of 3. He is calmed and at peace most when he's breastfeeding which makes me feel needed and loved, but eats like a horse and so requires supplements which makes me feel inadequate. He loves to be involved in everything and check out the world, but cries like a banshee when he's bored and should be sleeping. Things I don't mind but are unpleasant: pooing on me, spitting up on me, peeing on me, those times when he has to be changed 4 times in an hour. Things I love: when he falls asleep, when he falls asleep on me, when he zens out because he's breastfeeding, when he smiles (still only from passing gas, but adorable nonetheless), when he coos, when he looks around with wide eyed curiosity, when he sighs happily, when he enjoys his bath. Things that annoy me: when he cries for no reason after he's been fed and changed and rocked and played with, when he refuses to sleep at night even though he's really tired, when he needs supplements to breastfeeding because I apparently am inadequate. People talk about the guilt mothers can wield over their children, but what about the guilt mothers feel? I feel guilty when I can't soothe him, even though experienced mothers and medical people say it's normal. I feel guilty when I get annoyed with him because I can't figure out what he wants. I feel guilty when I get impatient with him because I have things I want to do and he is being demanding. I feel guilty when I go out and leave him with Mama or Michael. Motherhood is a dichotomy. It's the easiest and hardest thing I've ever done. It's the most stimulating and mind numbing thing I've ever done. And thank God it gets easier with each passing week. I love this boy, and I want him to have the best I can give him and the best I can do for him. However, this means I put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect for him. Sometimes I can do it without tears, and sometimes not, but no matter what, he's worth every tear and every stress I feel, and I've never been happier.

Life is a Full and Wonderful Thing

Okay, it's been a while since I last posted. Having 2 blogs unnecessarily complicates blogging. Add living to that and time drags on between posts for one or both blogs.

I had baby J on December 23rd. He was born by cesarean after 25 hours of hard labor. There were a number of complications and in the end it was necessary and best to have a c-section. He was very healthy having 1 and 5 minute Apgars of 9. He recognized Mama's voice when she talked to him as the nurses checked him out. When she talked to him, he stopped crying. The nurses needed him to cry for the Apgar, so they shooed Mama away until they were done with him. I had some issues with bleeding and they even called for blood for a transfusion, but at the very last minute they were able to get the bleeding under control. I was periodically "shocky" for two weeks afterward, but I'm pretty healthy now. In fact, I feel very close to my old self. I still get tired easily and I'm still a bit sore, but it's all normal for c-section recovery. My bleeding has already stopped as well, and no more bleeding after 3 weeks is doing pretty well. As horrible as the c-section was for me, if I have to I will do it again. Next time I'd like to try a VBAC (vaginal delivery after cesarean). I've read that 70% of women who try it succeed. But if I don't succeed, the next c-section will be much easier to handle, since I've gone through it once already.

Husband and I are settling into parenthood very well. We have learned how to figure out what baby J wants and needs most of the time. Sometimes we're baffled, but this is normal for parents of children at any age. He's a very good boy, and he loves his family. He hasn't slept through the night yet, but he's only a month old, and some nights he only gets up once. He usually will 2 good nights then one rough night. Rough nights are where he demands to be up for 2 to 4 hours in the middle of the night. He has been very good when we've brought him out with us. Breastfeeding has taken some time for us to get used to, but we've finally come to be comfortable with it.

I have taken a Medical Separation from Academic Duties so I have the first 6 weeks of school off from TA duties. I wasn't planning on taking any time off after a vaginal delivery, but the c-section requires a longer recovery period. Now that I'm at four weeks recovery time, I'm feeling much better, but I still can't be on my feet for more than a hour or two at a time. My labs are 2 hours each, and I have 2 consecutive labs. So that's 4 consecutive hours on my feet. Not doable for me at this point, but given a few more weeks (which thankfully I have) it shouldn't be a problem. I get to start exercising (gently) in 2 more weeks. I could walk some now if the weather weren't so terrible. But I intend to start with swimming, then after a couple of weeks I'll probably try low impact aerobics.

Mother-In-Law is coming for a visit next month, and she mentioned that it would be nice if we could have baby J baptized then so she could be there for it. We had to do a little maneuvering to get it done, but we worked it out. Sister R and her Fiance are going to be baby J's godparents and have arranged to come out for the baptism as well. :) Mama is making him a baptismal gown. It's gorgeous!

Been busy

So, I've been really busy with work and baby prep. My research has hit a small snag, but I'm getting close to finding the error. In fact, I think that the error occurs at the limits of our code, where we can't run the simulations anymore anyway, so that makes sense. But I have to triple check to be sure. Damn coding. Baby stuff is going well. We put up the crib and by way of necessities we have basically everything except the car seat. Baby is head down and big, but the doctor said there's no imminent risk of labor, but I could have him anywhere from two weeks to seven weeks from now. The baby shower prep is in high gear. Poor JB and Li'l B. It came as a shock that it needed to happen so soon, just in case. Hopefully JB and JG will be in town when the baby's born. Now watch, just because we're ready early, he's going to back off and wait to be born. ;) Whatever he needs to be healthy is what I want, but I'm sure tired of walking around being tired and having elephant feet and numb hands. Oh, well. He's so worth it. It's nice too that I'm rarely alone. With Mama and Husband around, they help me a lot and make sure I rest. Otherwise, I'd be too stressed and not as healthy. Husband makes sure I get enough fruit and massages, and Mama takes care of the meat and veggies. :)