Fellowships and the New Pregnancy

Michael and I applied for the same fellowship program and we were both accepted! So now we have a raise and I don't have to TA anymore. It's renewable after a year, as well. They didn't mind that I'm due to deliver in mid June, which was great. The summer is when there are most of the teaching duties, and that's where we have to work out logistics of taking care of Jamie and Renna (the new baby - a girl). It looks like with Mama and Michael's parents and sisters, we'll have child care covered for all 7 weeks if plan A doesn't work out. And actually, Michael's duties may end before mine, so then there'd be no conflict. :)

I had my committee meeting a week and a half ago, and they liked my thesis plan. It looks like I'll probably be able to graduate next fall. :)

I'm still working on the Betelgeuse paper, but that's really almost done. I'll be so glad to see the back end of this project!

Post-0p Check Up and More Happy Tears

My boy generously giving Daddy his toy October 12th.

My boy and me watching Da Bears on September 28th.

September 25th, 2008

Wow. I haven't kept up with this blog very well. Jamie was released from the hospital on Thursday September 18th. For the whole story go over to my other blog. I was much better about updates over there. He has really done very well, and has even gained weight. He's now 20lbs 1oz! That is so much better! It's still not up to his pre-sick weight, but he looks healthy and seems healthy. We had his first post-op check up today. I left crying, I was so happy. They don't need to see him for a year, and Dr. West said there are no medical restrictions on his activities. Here we were, back in the hospital where my poor baby had tubes and blood and real risk of dying only a month ago, and they were telling me he was healthy and normal and could do anything. I'm still so relieved I can't stand it. I've been afraid they'd say there was something wrong. Going back there was great and terrible. Great because they saved him. Great because we took him home the first time. Great because we got to take him home again. Great because they told us he was perfect. Great because it reminded us of how wonderful the medical care is there. Terrible because I was reminded of my baby laying lifeless on a bed with tubes in him. Terrible because I was reminded of how we could have lost him. Terrible because it reminded me of my baby looking at me to save him and make all the bad things go away, and me being unable to fix it, even if I did get him the best care I could. Terrible because I know that just a few weeks ago at that very hospital, another little boy died after a few short weeks of life after surgery and pain. That hospital isn't full of only happy endings. But we got one, and I'm so grateful. All I can do now is thank God for letting our boy stay with us, thank everyone who prayed for us, and thank all the nurses and doctors for taking such good care of him, and thank Jamie for being such a resilient fighter and not giving up.

On an academic note, I'm working on getting that darn paper written up about the models I've been running on Betelgeuse. I've finished all 66 (yes, I did say 66!) models and will now begin the daunting task of graphing and combining models. Also, it looks like I'll be supported on RA next semester! So work is going very well, despite 3 weeks of frustration due to coding HELL. Seriously, HELL. Anyway. After this paper is out, I'll be working on the coding again. SIGH But, on the major upside, I'll be able to start a new project. More to come on that later. But a tantalizing hint: lots of data on binaries! :)

We're getting the house ready to sell it. The market really sucks, but our house is actually in great shape as compared with a lot of what's on the market, so I think it should sell in a few months at most. We have found a house we'd like to buy if it's still available when we get an offer on ours. It's only a few blocks away, is much larger, needs some work, but is livable and has fabulous potential. But if it's not on the market when we're ready to make an offer then we'll find something else and that's okay.

Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia

So here is my Darling Boy. He had the stomach flu and just didn't stop vomiting. So I took him into the pediatrician and saw a new woman (only appointment we could get, but she is seriously awesome I may switch to her permanently), and she recommended admitting him for IV fluids. He was so dehydrated that it took 7 tries (7 TRIES!) to get the IV in. During the 6th try they were holding his arms and legs down but one of the nurses had her arm close to his mouth and he reached up and bit her. BIT HER! He decided that if his teeth were the only part he could control and use to defend himself, then by God he was going to use it! Such a spunky boy! Thankfully it didn't break the skin. They took a chest x-ray. After asking about it, they finally said the doctor would come in to discuss it with us. The x-ray showed he had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia on the right side. From birth there has been a hole in his diaphragm and his abdominal organs have been able to travel into his chest. It is a life threatening condition that is caused by a congenital defect which develops during the 7th to 10th weeks of gestation and survival is 80% with modern medicine. (Which means there's a 20% mortality rate, don't think I didn't see that!) What happens is that two "flaps" of the diaphragm don't grow together properly, leaving a hole, usually on the left side. This is often found during ultrasounds or diagnosed within days of birth. With Jamie, his ultrasounds looked normal, and he was very healthy and growing normally until recently and so there was no suspicion of a defect. They think that when he got the stomach flu, the pressure of vomiting pushed the organs up farther making it obvious in x-ray. Anyway, they then flew him to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis by MedFlight helicopter so they could have time to stabilize him for surgery. We followed him by car, arriving 3 hours after he did. Surgery began at 8am and by 11am they had finished. So that was the faster end of the spectrum. I don't think I've ever cried so hard from relief in my entire life. Mama and Michael had to tell people I was crying happy tears. I guess I sounded rather devastated, which I was just from the whole "I could lose him" fear. They had no complications, no bleeding issues (no transfusion), the organs looked pretty good, the lungs looked better than expected, the diaphragm had enough of it's own tissue that they were able to just sew it up without adding anything to cover the hole. The liver, colon, appendix, lower intestine, part of the upper intestine, part of the stomach, and part of one kidney were all in the chest cavity. The lung that was compressed the most was partially collapsed. I don't know how much of it was working vs. filled with fluid. The chest tube is still in and the fluid is draining out. There is a bruise on the lower intestine, but it didn't look bad enough to remove, so the doctor just left it to see if it will repair on it's own. After the surgery, the lungs and heart had moved to fill 75% of the chest cavity, which is apparently super wonderful since sometimes the "squish" is permanent. His lungs don't seem to be underdeveloped, which is again amazing given the condition. They are giving him calories via the central line to help him gain weight and stay strong since he already lost weight and hadn't eaten in so long. Okay, he'd eaten, he'd just not digested. Small difference, I know. He is now on morphine every 3 hours. Every 4 was too far apart. His fluid output isn't matching input, which is probably him building up some lost fluids. His urine looks much better than before surgery, but it's still a bit cloudy, so we'll see what the doc says here soon. A lot of people have been praying for my darling, so please continue praying. I know it's greedy of me, but I still want as many miracles for his recovery as I can get. He is a brave wonderful strong courageous boy. We need him.

New Projects and Old Grievances

I'm working on the reversible cabled scarf. I'm using yarn my friend Amanda gave me and I absolutely love it! I love purple, and heathered variagated purple is even better!

Jamie is growing so fast! He's using his hands to grasp shirts for several days and tonight he actually reached for and grabbed a toy on his new bouncy seat. I think he reached for a toy on the mobile of his swing a couple of days ago, but it was too far away. We also decided to start the weaning process because I've had some problems with milk supply and I'm a bit tired of being unable to be away from Jamie for more than 3 seconds (only a slight exaggeration). However, I stopped using the nipple guard, and now my milk supply is much improved. Also, Jamie latches on very well now, which he didn't for several weeks, which is why I was using the nipple shield. So just as we decide to wean him, breastfeeding gets easier. I still want to mostly wean him to get a little more freedom, but I'll try to do partial breastfeeding for a while.

In other recovery news, my incision opened up at one end. It's okay really, but I'm a little exasperated. I'm feeling much better, but the lingering soreness and now this complication are wearing on me. There is a lot that's going right, but I have problems with patience.

I'm working on research for my candidacy exam, and I'm stressing out about passing it. I'm sure I will, but until it's a done deal I'm going to be obsessive and paranoid. It's my nature.

Ramble on Motherhood

Motherhood is awesome. And tiring. And stressful. And the most wonderful thing I've ever done. My darling boy sleeps well 2 nights out of 3. He is calmed and at peace most when he's breastfeeding which makes me feel needed and loved, but eats like a horse and so requires supplements which makes me feel inadequate. He loves to be involved in everything and check out the world, but cries like a banshee when he's bored and should be sleeping. Things I don't mind but are unpleasant: pooing on me, spitting up on me, peeing on me, those times when he has to be changed 4 times in an hour. Things I love: when he falls asleep, when he falls asleep on me, when he zens out because he's breastfeeding, when he smiles (still only from passing gas, but adorable nonetheless), when he coos, when he looks around with wide eyed curiosity, when he sighs happily, when he enjoys his bath. Things that annoy me: when he cries for no reason after he's been fed and changed and rocked and played with, when he refuses to sleep at night even though he's really tired, when he needs supplements to breastfeeding because I apparently am inadequate. People talk about the guilt mothers can wield over their children, but what about the guilt mothers feel? I feel guilty when I can't soothe him, even though experienced mothers and medical people say it's normal. I feel guilty when I get annoyed with him because I can't figure out what he wants. I feel guilty when I get impatient with him because I have things I want to do and he is being demanding. I feel guilty when I go out and leave him with Mama or Michael. Motherhood is a dichotomy. It's the easiest and hardest thing I've ever done. It's the most stimulating and mind numbing thing I've ever done. And thank God it gets easier with each passing week. I love this boy, and I want him to have the best I can give him and the best I can do for him. However, this means I put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect for him. Sometimes I can do it without tears, and sometimes not, but no matter what, he's worth every tear and every stress I feel, and I've never been happier.

Life is a Full and Wonderful Thing

Okay, it's been a while since I last posted. Having 2 blogs unnecessarily complicates blogging. Add living to that and time drags on between posts for one or both blogs.

I had baby J on December 23rd. He was born by cesarean after 25 hours of hard labor. There were a number of complications and in the end it was necessary and best to have a c-section. He was very healthy having 1 and 5 minute Apgars of 9. He recognized Mama's voice when she talked to him as the nurses checked him out. When she talked to him, he stopped crying. The nurses needed him to cry for the Apgar, so they shooed Mama away until they were done with him. I had some issues with bleeding and they even called for blood for a transfusion, but at the very last minute they were able to get the bleeding under control. I was periodically "shocky" for two weeks afterward, but I'm pretty healthy now. In fact, I feel very close to my old self. I still get tired easily and I'm still a bit sore, but it's all normal for c-section recovery. My bleeding has already stopped as well, and no more bleeding after 3 weeks is doing pretty well. As horrible as the c-section was for me, if I have to I will do it again. Next time I'd like to try a VBAC (vaginal delivery after cesarean). I've read that 70% of women who try it succeed. But if I don't succeed, the next c-section will be much easier to handle, since I've gone through it once already.

Husband and I are settling into parenthood very well. We have learned how to figure out what baby J wants and needs most of the time. Sometimes we're baffled, but this is normal for parents of children at any age. He's a very good boy, and he loves his family. He hasn't slept through the night yet, but he's only a month old, and some nights he only gets up once. He usually will 2 good nights then one rough night. Rough nights are where he demands to be up for 2 to 4 hours in the middle of the night. He has been very good when we've brought him out with us. Breastfeeding has taken some time for us to get used to, but we've finally come to be comfortable with it.

I have taken a Medical Separation from Academic Duties so I have the first 6 weeks of school off from TA duties. I wasn't planning on taking any time off after a vaginal delivery, but the c-section requires a longer recovery period. Now that I'm at four weeks recovery time, I'm feeling much better, but I still can't be on my feet for more than a hour or two at a time. My labs are 2 hours each, and I have 2 consecutive labs. So that's 4 consecutive hours on my feet. Not doable for me at this point, but given a few more weeks (which thankfully I have) it shouldn't be a problem. I get to start exercising (gently) in 2 more weeks. I could walk some now if the weather weren't so terrible. But I intend to start with swimming, then after a couple of weeks I'll probably try low impact aerobics.

Mother-In-Law is coming for a visit next month, and she mentioned that it would be nice if we could have baby J baptized then so she could be there for it. We had to do a little maneuvering to get it done, but we worked it out. Sister R and her Fiance are going to be baby J's godparents and have arranged to come out for the baptism as well. :) Mama is making him a baptismal gown. It's gorgeous!

Been busy

So, I've been really busy with work and baby prep. My research has hit a small snag, but I'm getting close to finding the error. In fact, I think that the error occurs at the limits of our code, where we can't run the simulations anymore anyway, so that makes sense. But I have to triple check to be sure. Damn coding. Baby stuff is going well. We put up the crib and by way of necessities we have basically everything except the car seat. Baby is head down and big, but the doctor said there's no imminent risk of labor, but I could have him anywhere from two weeks to seven weeks from now. The baby shower prep is in high gear. Poor JB and Li'l B. It came as a shock that it needed to happen so soon, just in case. Hopefully JB and JG will be in town when the baby's born. Now watch, just because we're ready early, he's going to back off and wait to be born. ;) Whatever he needs to be healthy is what I want, but I'm sure tired of walking around being tired and having elephant feet and numb hands. Oh, well. He's so worth it. It's nice too that I'm rarely alone. With Mama and Husband around, they help me a lot and make sure I rest. Otherwise, I'd be too stressed and not as healthy. Husband makes sure I get enough fruit and massages, and Mama takes care of the meat and veggies. :)

Football

WE WON!

WE WON!

WE WON... WE WON... WE WON!

We won we won we won we won we won

wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon
wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon
wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon wewon


Well, we won last night, and I'm only a little pleased. Not very excited at all.

Okay, I lied. I'm thrilled... over the moon... ecstatic... so excited I can't breathe. You get the idea. But my excitement is a bit tempered by our past performance and the embarrassment from the abstract failure of past games. But this could be the turning point. Well, we do have an easier schedule ahead, except for USC, who just lost to Stanford. Stanford! So even there we might have a chance. Please, speak softly now, you might shatter my bubble.

Diapers

Diapers. Okay, maybe not the most titillating topic ever, but one on my mind lately. As I near the due date - not changed despite Baby J being over 2 weeks ahead of schedule in size and development - I find that I want to work out these details. I have been trying to decide between disposable and cloth diapers. So I finally called the diaper cleaning service to get a price quote and then I did some math (clearly my strong suit). In the end, with the diaper service, cloth and disposables end up being about the same price. But add to the mix that if you launder the diapers yourself, cloth ends up being half the price. And I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm already cleaning up after Tiggy and changing her diapers, why not for my own child?" And then I asked myself if I had a brain tumor and just how much crap (literally) did I feel like wading through? I called a cooler head and the decision is made. We will use the cloth diapers, and we will launder them ourselves. We'll also use disposables when we're out, simply for the sake of convenience and sanitation of the diaper bag. So here's the logic and reasoning behind the decision.

1. Cloth is better on the skin. I have very sensitive skin, and Husband has normal to sensitive skin (prone to heat rash), so Baby J will likely have similar issues.
2. Less diaper rash. Because cloth diapers breathe more, you can smell when they need to be changed sooner, and so you do change them more often. The greater airflow allows the skin to stay drier and therefore less prone to irritation even if the diaper doesn't get changed fast enough.
3. Less landfill trash. I am a bit of a hippy, and believe in conservation as much as possible, and this isn't an unreasonable step to take to keep tons of trash from building up each year. It's not like asking me to live like a pioneer or cavewoman, so I was willing to consider it.
4. Save some money. It's a savings of about $500 a year. While that may not seem like a lot, it's enough to make affording other things a little easier. And with a new baby, I'd prefer to spend money on things that will last and are actually important.
6. We get our own diapers back from doing the laundry ourselves, while God only knows whose diapers we'd be getting from the diaper service. Okay. Fine. They're laundered to be highly sanitary, but that's because you're getting someone else's undies. I don't want my child wearing something that someone else has pooped in. It may be perfectly safe - and I'm sure logically that it is - but the idea is just too gross.
5. We already have to do gross things for the dogs, so it's not unreasonable to be willing to do the same and more for our baby.
6. I don't have to do all the poop duty myself. There are three adults in the household. Husband and I will split being at home during the work week so we can both fulfill our grad student duties, and Mama will be at home on nights and weekends. So there will be times I'll get a break from the gross stuff.

So there you have it. The arguments for using and self-laundering cloth diapers. And here is the latest ultrasound of Baby J:

Football

Okay. Football has been a bit disappointing lately (yes, I am the queen of understatement). But there's still hope. The Bears do okay when Grossman sucks and they do great when he's good. I see an easy fix here. GET RID OF GROSSMAN! I'm tired of him showing up and choking. I'm tired of getting excited when he rocks only to be crushed when he plays like a high school freshman. We need some consistency here. If he sucked all the time, they'd fire him, but because he really shows some awesome talent sometimes they stick with him. If he played to his potential more often than not, then I'd have no problem with that. But it really is hit and miss. Literally. Sigh. Okay, on to my other team. The Irish. We did better this time, so the training camps last week clearly helped a lot. I mean, we did get 2 (count them 2!) offensive touchdowns in on game, and in one half even! That's more points than we've had all season up to then. Then it got nasty - for us. Our O-line still needs a lot of work, but at least they were able to do some blocking and gave Clausen a chance to actually throw the ball. He needs to learn to throw the ball away rather than get sacked with the ball and lose yardage. The receivers need to learn how to actually catch the ball. You know, receive the ball. Our defensive line did a good job, and thankfully they weren't out there the whole game as was previously the case. It helps them a lot to have the offense on the field for more than one play. I was still disappointed in the game, but relieved we weren't blown out.

So for the Bears, it's still dodgy. We could win, we could lose. Who knows? As for the Irish, we look poised to start winning.

Random Awesome Photo From the Wedding Afterparty

When It Rains, It Pours

When is rains it pours. So my week has been a real ....... trial.

Nasty Surprise #1: I took the car in for maintenance, expecting about a $500. bill. Well, it's been a while since anything was done to it, and all the little things added up to $1000. in brake work and various other things. Trust me, I looked to see if I was being cheated, but nothing was a surprise or over-changed. Fine. The car hasn't needed any repairs beyond simple maintenance, and it now has almost 130,000 miles on it, so okay. I can handle that, albeit grudgingly.

Nasty Surprise #2: I got a call from the office of my directorate at LLNL and they were trying to let me know in advance that payroll messed up my last paycheck and were going to take it back and reissue my paycheck. They weren't sure how that would happen, but thought I should have the chance to call them and make arrangements for how it would work in case I didn't have the money in the account any longer. So I checked my bank. They already took the whole paycheck out by direct withdrawal. Apparently they have the right to do this since it's a direct deposit. I, of course, had paid a month's worth of bills with this month's worth of pay and so didn't have the whole paycheck available. The remainder of the paycheck was taken out of my savings account and a fee assessed do to overdraft, and not all of the checks have cleared, the house payment for example. I called the payroll department to find out if they were going to make a direct deposit in the correct amount and was told they had mailed me a paper check since the direct withdrawal had cleared. So my paycheck should arrive next week sometime. Keep in mind this is after 5:30pm, so the bank is closed. I then set up a transfer out of my money market account to cover the checks still waiting to be cashed, but that will take 2-3 business days. This means that some of the bills may come in before I have any money to cover them. So Michael and I went to the bank to talk to them and see what we could do. The bank is going to honor all the checks that come in, so our credit will be fine, but that fees will still be assessed for overdraft and that since this is caused by the sudden removal of my paycheck, without warning, that it is legally LLNL's responsibility to reimburse me for those fees. So, I will be letting them know that I expect them to pay for the fees. After some internet research, apparently it is legal to take money out of an account for which there is a direct deposit, but that legally, any fees incurred from doing so are the withdrawer's responsibility. So a pain in the butt, but not something for which we cannot recover.

Nasty Surprise #3: A storm blew in yesterday afternoon. It was a normal storm, nothing more violent than usual for around the Great Lakes. But the power kept going on and off. And not all the power, just certain areas. The stove, the three plugs in the kitchen, the tv, another plug in the livingroom, and the airconditioning. Then, overnight, the power stayed off. So I called an electrician and he came out and charged me $145 to tell me it was the power company's fault since only one of the two lines coming in was working. So I called the power company, went to the bank and handled Nasty Surprise #2, came back and waited for them to show up. It didn't take long. He looked things over and agreed with the electrician that the wires going onto the pole were being disrupted/damaged/or something by the tree branches all over them. So he called a crew in to cut away the branches and redo the wires. And they arrived an hour after the first guy left, worked for a little over and hour, asked if we had power to everything (we did) and were gone. The power is still stable and the pole can now be seen and the wires aren't being tackled by branches with every gust of wind.

Nasty Surprise #4: The basement flooded due to the power to the sump pump being out. Then an hour later it flooded again due to the rod in place to keep the little floaty-ball from sticking and not triggering the "flush". So we are going to get a sump pump cover (yes a real one) so it won't stick anymore, and the Husband put a night-light in the outlet so that if the power goes out we can see by visual inspection that there's no power to the sump pump and to not run any water so we don't flood.

Now we need to do a few things to take care of all this stuff, but it's all manageable. Yay! It's really strange though how things seem to happen all at once.

Football

The Husband bought tickets to a 49ers preseason football game. Now, he's a 49ers fan while I'm a Bears fan. Yes, we did still get married despite this fundamental rift. We'll be going to the game against the Broncos. If ever there was a game in which I could actually cheer for the 49ers, that's it. I dislike Denver even more than the 49ers. I guess the Hubby knew what he was doing when he bought these tickets. Not only will I go with him to the game, I'll cheer for his team. The man is devious.

Go Irish! in Berkeley

So the Husband and I were walking down the street for a little exercise today (okay, we were walking to Yogurt Park which is an awesome frozen yogurt shop in Berkeley) when something awesome happened. We were walking along, minding our own business, without a care in the world when all of a sudden a car pulls up beside us and the driver leaned out and yelled "GO IRISH!" I wonder how she knew we were Irish fans. I mean it's not like the Husband was wearing his blue and white Notre Dame shirt while I was wearing this year's "The Shirt" or anything. ;) Just goes to show you there are Irish fans everywhere.

Wedding Day

The wedding was awesome! It was perfect. I wasn't nervous at all. I was so excited and so happy. The Fiance was nervous, and wanted to "get it over with, without the wedding blowing up". He marched us down the aisle double time, and our processional hadn't started until we were halfway down to the alter. I told him to slow down, and he did for one step. So then I said, "Slow down, slow down, slow down", while pulling on him a little to try to slow him down. Some of the guests heard and laughed. It was funny. :) The priest, Fr. Tom, saved us by meeting us at the alter and we waited there for a moment or two. Then when sister-in-law R started reciting the first reading, I started bawling. I didn't think I'd cry, and the Fiance was the one who teared up during the rehearsal, but it was the opposite during the wedding. And then during the blessing of the rings I started bawling again. And the other snafu happened when I waited too long to respond to one of the questions asked by Fr. Tom. Otherwise the wedding was perfect! Everyone looked fabulous. His groomsmen were handsome and distinguished. My bridesmaids were beautiful. And my best friend, T, (a Maid of Honor) was able to make it from France, which really meant a lot.


The reception was great! We had a High Tea reception at a historic bed and breakfast. It was too early to have a sit down dinner, and a high tea was such a fun idea! The food was so good, and the cake was delicious. We fed each other cake, and no mess was made. That was a very good thing, because I would have hated to file for divorce on the same day we signed the marriage certificate. ;) The Matron of Honor, JB, gave such a fantastic speech that we were both bawling. One of the Maids of Honor, J, gave a wonderful speech also, and again we were in tears. I have such wonderful friends!



The after party was so much fun, and JB and Li'l B went to so much trouble to make it fabulous. The theme was the one I originally had for the reception. They hung Chinese lanterns, had Chinese food, red velvet cupcakes, tea lights, lots of booze, Nice Save playing live. It was so much fun! The Husband (my husband!) sang Takin' Care of Business, and was HOT! Nice Save worked really hard and practiced a lot so they could play their best for us, and they totally did. We stayed until really late (for a wedding night).

There was some trouble with several of our guest's flights. Maid of Honor, J, was delayed by 8 hours and they lost her luggage. Her dress was in her suitcase, so on the morning of the wedding she had to go to the mall to find a new dress. Thank God I let the bridesmaids pick their own dresses otherwise we'd have been screwed. Anyway, she found a nice dress, and it was on sale. So now she has two nice little black dresses. So it was for the best.

Softball Win!

I watched Fiance play softball today. I must say he was mighty sexy catching and throwing the ball and helping his team win. He did a good job and a number of other players today did well. The last game they played, they all made major goofs, but today they really looked sharp. And they won! This is the first win for them in two years, so their persistence and perseverance paid off. They play again tomorrow. I don't like baseball or football, but it's fun to watch if you know the people playing. It really changes the whole game, and with an hour limit on play time, it doesn't get boring. :)

Wedding Count Down

So I'm finally home! It took an extra 4 hours. I was stuck in the Cincinnati/Kentucky airport for 4 hours because the flight crew was still in Raleigh. Still in Raleigh! We were supposed to leave at 8:55pm, but the flight bringing them to us didn't leave Raleigh until 10:14! The arrived, finally. Then we waited for new paperwork. Sigh. I finally made it home, though. And it was wonderful to see the Fiance and Mama again. The dogs lost their minds when I came in the front door. :) It's good to be so loved.

Since I got home I've been working on all the final details. The bulk of the wedding preparations was no sweat in May. Now it seems like any complication that can arise has. But now we just have to pick up my dress from being pressed, pick up my rings from being soldered at the jewelers, and various confirmation calls to make, and we're ready for the wedding! I can't wait!

Going Home!

So I'm going home in the morning. I can't wait to get home! I miss The Man, Mama, and my dogs (although not necessarily in that order). ;) I still have some final wedding details to take care of. I have to find a hairstyle, jewelry for the Big Day, gifts for the bridal party, and a gift for the in-laws-to-be. Whew. That's it. I really should have taken care of these things already, but I have been just a tad busy. I have a long day of flying ahead of me tomorrow. I have around 8 hours of flying to do, and several more hours of airport lounging. Which gives me plenty of knitting time! Woo hoo!

I finally updated my knitting blog. I got so behind. I wanted to put up the projects I had done most recently, but they ended up gifted before I could take photos, or were at home still, or whatever. So I decided to forget it. I'll just go from now on. I'm really excited about my latest project. Now I just need to get going on it!

My roommies gave me a send off tonight. They bought wedding cake (small version, since there are only 3 of us, but it's chocolate so not too small) and gave me one of my wedding gifts. They got us the table cloth from our registry. I was pretty happy with that. I've wanted it for a while, but just refused to actually buy it since it's not a "necessity". How in the world I decide these things sometimes, I don't know. Anyway, we had a nice time.

Big Brother 8 started last week. Yes, I am watching trash (reality) tv. For some reason, I just like this show. I don't always watch it, but often enough to be embarrassed, but not embarrassed enough to not watch it. Ah, the drama!

Okay, time for bed. Finally.

Human Nature

require this level of violence to rid oneself of "nuisances" that were once easy to cast off without penalty? In previous eras, men could simply abandon wives and children without any repercussions. Now there's child support and alimony. Are these Okay. What the hell is going on with the world? This month alone there have been numerous reports of men killing their families. Seriously, what the hell? Why is it that when a family dies, it's always the husband/father who did it? Why are these men killing the people they supposedly love? Is society becoming more violent? Has this sort of behavior always existed, and only now becoming more widely reported? I know in other cultures men killing wives and/or children for reasons of honor is accepted, but that's not supposed to be a part of ours. And yet it happens regularly. Is this something that occurred as often before the present day, but was overlooked by a patriarchal and hierarchical society? Or does the lack of hierarchical institutions that protect us also put us at greater risk? Some say our society is losing it's morality. But when did we have this higher morality? When rich men and nobles could rape the staff (male and female staff) without compunction? When men would abandon their wives and children and marry again in another place? When men could beat their wives and children without fear of chastisement (unless the woman had strong/rich brothers)? Some say we are becoming desensitized to violence with all our video games and violent movies. What about our wars? What about in the past when we had wars and patriarchy that allowed (even at times encouraged) violence against women and children? Are we any better off now that 500 years ago? We have laws to help punish the violent ones and to punish those who try to avoid responsibility. For some those laws are a deterrent, for others it's a reason to do more violence. Why is it so much more likely to be killed by a lover/spouse/parent/child than a stranger? Why is it the people we love most are the ones most likely to kill us? It seems very hard to believe that we are more violent now than in the past. But that begs another question. Where does this latent violence come from? Is it human nature? Well, regardless of whether it's human nature, or human nurture, humans suck. Violent humans suck. The ones that killed themselves along with their families did us all a favor by saving us the trial. The ones that didn't kill themselves also, need to be killed. And not painlessly. They need to suffer in retribution. For those who say the death penalty is too cruel, I'm glad it's cruel. That's why they got the death penalty, because no other form of justice was good enough to prevent further crimes or to make retribution for the crimes already committed. Humans suck.

God's Spark

Kelsey

Tigger

Alex

Murphy and Kelsey