Human Nature

require this level of violence to rid oneself of "nuisances" that were once easy to cast off without penalty? In previous eras, men could simply abandon wives and children without any repercussions. Now there's child support and alimony. Are these Okay. What the hell is going on with the world? This month alone there have been numerous reports of men killing their families. Seriously, what the hell? Why is it that when a family dies, it's always the husband/father who did it? Why are these men killing the people they supposedly love? Is society becoming more violent? Has this sort of behavior always existed, and only now becoming more widely reported? I know in other cultures men killing wives and/or children for reasons of honor is accepted, but that's not supposed to be a part of ours. And yet it happens regularly. Is this something that occurred as often before the present day, but was overlooked by a patriarchal and hierarchical society? Or does the lack of hierarchical institutions that protect us also put us at greater risk? Some say our society is losing it's morality. But when did we have this higher morality? When rich men and nobles could rape the staff (male and female staff) without compunction? When men would abandon their wives and children and marry again in another place? When men could beat their wives and children without fear of chastisement (unless the woman had strong/rich brothers)? Some say we are becoming desensitized to violence with all our video games and violent movies. What about our wars? What about in the past when we had wars and patriarchy that allowed (even at times encouraged) violence against women and children? Are we any better off now that 500 years ago? We have laws to help punish the violent ones and to punish those who try to avoid responsibility. For some those laws are a deterrent, for others it's a reason to do more violence. Why is it so much more likely to be killed by a lover/spouse/parent/child than a stranger? Why is it the people we love most are the ones most likely to kill us? It seems very hard to believe that we are more violent now than in the past. But that begs another question. Where does this latent violence come from? Is it human nature? Well, regardless of whether it's human nature, or human nurture, humans suck. Violent humans suck. The ones that killed themselves along with their families did us all a favor by saving us the trial. The ones that didn't kill themselves also, need to be killed. And not painlessly. They need to suffer in retribution. For those who say the death penalty is too cruel, I'm glad it's cruel. That's why they got the death penalty, because no other form of justice was good enough to prevent further crimes or to make retribution for the crimes already committed. Humans suck.

God's Spark

Kelsey

Tigger

Alex

Murphy and Kelsey

My Thoughts

I really dislike people. It annoys me when people treat animals like disposables. They seem to think that animals are mere annoyances to be tolerated or disposed of if the whim strikes. It doesn't matter to them that animals have feelings and experience love. People seem to think that humans are somehow superior to all other life forms and that these "others" are worthless or at least negligible. Usually they will use one of two arguments to justify their position. One is that we are superior because we are made in the image of God unlike all other beings. The other is that we are at the top of the food chain. Well, it's bullshit.

Let's take the first argument. So we're made in the image of God. How does that make us a complete image? How can we say that no other beings are made in the image of God only from a different part of God's essence? We imagine what God is like by constructing God from ourselves. We construct our understanding of God from our understanding of ourselves. But are we a complete image of God or a partial image? Are we an image of one aspect of God or the entire aspect of God? We get some ideas from the bible, but no where in the bible does it say that we are the complete image, and that other beings are not an image. It doesn't say that other parts of creation are the simple creative constructions and not images of other parts of God's essence. And why is humanity the pinnacle of God's creation? Aren't a lot of lessons we humans are supposed to learn all about humility and acknowledging that we aren't superior? And so why is it so fundamentally impossible for us to be equal to all living beings in the eyes of our Creator? And how can anyone look into the eyes of a gorilla infant and not see the same spark of life that one sees in the eyes of a human infant? Can we really say that such a spark is less miraculous than the human miracle? And if you see the joy in the eyes of a dog when it gets snuggled and played with, is it any less felt than that of a child at play? Ridiculous. God is Love. Animals experience love just as we humans do. So how can we deny the spark of God in animals?

Now the second argument. So we're at the top of the food chain, right? So why are we felled by the smallest of creatures, the virus? If we are at the top, if we disregard the rest of the chain, we'll destroy the pedestal on which we stand. And then we are destroyed. So who's on top? The top of the chain is only on top as long as the rest of the chain remains in tact.

The moment we devalue life in any form we devalue human life. That should scare the human egotists. If you can care for an animal and not give it its full value, then you lack the capacity to give people their full value.

Not There Yet

Well, I'm still waiting for the flight arrangements to be made to go back to Cali for the summer. I can't wait. It looks like I'll get there sometime next week. My Darling left for San Diego today. His sister, Rachel, is graduating from college. She'll start her student teaching this summer. I was hoping to be able to ge there for her graduation but I wasn't able to get the travel arrangements to Cali made in time. Sadness.

Research is going. I have a low mass star going through it's evolution, and of course it's taking forever. And I still can't get onto the correct computer through the vpn to continue my helium shell flashes and my black hole - red giant interaction. I'm just itching to get to them.

Liver more again!

I am going to work at LLNL again this summer. They really wanted me to come work for them again. The internship didn't get funding this year, but they were able to find funding elsewhere for me. :) Makes me feel really good that they value me and my contributions. I am valued! And I'll be living with Annie and Lauren again. We'll be staying in Berkeley. It's really nice in Berkeley. The weather is so much nicer than in Livermore. I'll leave for California at the end of the month, and I'll come back the beginning of September. Michael will come back with me after the wedding. We'll have a little adventure for our first month of married life. :)

We just had dinner with John and Julie and a bunch of other friends. It was fun. We had sushi which I helped prepare. Boy do I love the shrimp sushi! We play Zoobie Zoobie, and insanely simple and fun and annoying drinking game. It was a seriously good time. John and Julie are some awesome party-givers.

Busy Busy Busy

Murphy is getting really big. He's almost as big as Kelsey now. She loves it! She really likes having another big dog who will play with her. Brandy wouldn't play with her because she was too rough, but Murphy doesn't mind. She's more gentle with him than she was with Brandy. Murphy is my boy. He loves to just sit with me and snuggle. I love that. He likes to sit with Tigger also. Tigger loves having him hang out with her. Alex is a little put out. He doesn't like the challenge to his dominance, but he does like it when Murphy follows him around and plays with him. Murphy does challenge him for the lead. When Murphy growls at Alex over the food dish (his own) we don't allow that. He has to know there will be no eating out of other bowls, and no one will eat out of his bowl, either.

I haven't had time for any knitting or crochet or quilting in a long time. How am I going to keep my marbles? I'm not, so I guess there's the answer to that.

My Darling and I were in a computer programming contest. We took second! Nice. I was pretty psyched to do well since I don't program in C++, and so that was all on My Turtle. However, my mad math skills saved the day and helped us take second.

I've decided I like sushi, but only as made by my friend Julie. She makes the best sushi I've ever had! There's no yucky "fishy" smell or taste, and no icky rubbery-yet-slimey crap. *Shudder* And I'm not the only one. A number of friends agree that Julie is the Sushi Making Queen!

Written Exam

Well, I took the written candidacy exam yesterday. It looks like I passed! I will find out for sure tomorrow, but I feel really good about it. Yay! I spent so much time working on preparing for the exam that life was on hold until yesterday. Now I can do things again. I am finally doing some more knitting, and I finished yet another scarf. I have to block it and add some tassels, then I can give it to my fiance. :) I will be setting up a blog for knitting and crocheting only. I can't add the scarves I made for Christmas gifts yet, but I will take pictures and put it up after I'm sure the recipient's have gotten their gifts. Also, wedding planning will go into high gear starting tomorrow. I also have to get ready for the talk I'm going to give at the April APS meeting, and get some more research done. Whew! Life just never quits! :)

Toni is in France now. I'm so jealous!

Christmas

I'm surprised I'm still sane! There has been a lot of drama both good and bad this semester. I helped a friend in need. The man of my dreams has swept me off my feet and I'm now wearing his ring. I've survived my last class with flying colors.

Michael found three stray kittens in our garage last week. They all went to good homes and didn't have to go to the no kill shelter. YAY! We also decided to get a male golden retriever puppy. We decided not to do it right away. And then we decided to look at some tomorrow. How is does the name Bailey sound for a little golden puppy? Or Riley?

Christmas was uneventful, blessedly! Mama and I had already given each other our gifts. Michael put up the lights outside after Thanksgiving, and we put up wreaths, but we didn't do the tree thing this year.

I am now studying for my written exam. I take it at the end of January, a week after my birthday. "Let's see if you get to stay in grad school. You have four hours to prove yourself. Happy Birthday." I think I'll do well, but there's still stress. I'm hoping one of the possible sources of research funding comes in so I don't have to TA next semester.

I will start planning the wedding now. I need to get as much done as possible before I leave for the summer for research. So busy. So much to do. So little time. Thank God for Mama and good friends to help me. I'm going to be asking Michael's sisters (and now mine as well) for their advice and opinions.

Mama got a membership to my fitness club and we'll be going together at least once a week. That whirlpool is so relaxing! And swimming is such good cardio and it doesn't jar me and give me migraines.

My mind is racing. I've got so many things running around in my head that I don't know if I've talked about everything. Boy, I really need to keep up with this better. That way I can just update instead of starting again. Oh! I'm going to keep a knitting blog. Okay, actually it's a crafting blog since I'll put my quilts and croceted stuff on it, too. But still. You know what I mean. Here's what's going on that I want to express somehow:
Lil' B is an awesome person and so cool.
Jarett's cat is the most affectionate darling ever!
Kelsey is a good girl, but is sometimes too demanding and I need to work with her more.
Alex is the best snuggle bunny on the planet.
John and Julie are the coolest married couple there ever was or will be.
My toenail is growing in from when it fell off, and why the hell did it do that, but thank God it didn't hurt!
My engagement ring is gorgeous.
I'm in love with my fiance.
I miss Michael since he's visiting his family for the holidays.
I need to work on the papers for publishing.
I have 9 books I want to read.
I have 4 scarves that I am making right now, plus a shawl.
I have two quilts in various states of progress that I'm dying to work on.
What will I call the new puppy? And will the others react the way I expect they will?
I miss Brandy so much it still kills me that she's gone.
Christmas was Brandy's favorite time of year.
Brandy's birthday is in a week and it's going to be really hard to deal with.
Christ the King is a wonderful church and Father Tom is funny.
I wonder if we should ask Father Tom to do our wedding?
My engagement ring is gorgeous.
This time next year Michael and I will have had our first Christmas together as a married couple.
Will I pass my written exam?
Of course I'll pass my written exam.
Can I finish my dissertation in a year after that?
Do I want to finish so quickly?
Maybe I should start my craft blog tonight.
It's too late to be messing around on the computer now. I have to be up early.
Okay. My brain is emptied out now. I think. :) I hope.

Engaged!

Diamonds in the afternoon. He had to take the bus from campus to the mall, then walk from the mall to Michael asked me to marry him! I, of course, said, "Yes!" He picked up the ring from HelzbergHelzberg, crossing Grape road to get there. Then he had to cross Grape again (which he did on the bridge over the toll road) to get back to the mall, take the bus back to campus. While he was waiting for the bus I called him. When the bus arrived, I heard a whoosh and people talking. He had told me he was working late, so I thought he was in the lab and the noise was some piece of equipment and that there were people in the hall. Silly me. He thought I knew what he was doing at that point. :) So when he got back to campus he ran back to his apartment, grabbed his bike, and road it along 933 to get to the house. He knew I had to pick up Mama from a late work event and that I had to leave at 7pm to get her. He pedalled as fast as he could because he wasn't sure he could make it before I left. I was about to leave when I heard a knock at the door. It had been raining/snowing all day, and I had seen a power truck go by, so I thought it was a utility worker or something like that. I put the dogs up and got all frazzled doing it. I opened the door and there was my man. I asked him how he got here and if he'd ridden his bike all the way from campus. He said he had, and I wondered why he didn't use his key to get in. He stepped inside and pulled out a burgundy box with a gold ribbon. He opened the box and pulled out a jewelry box. He handed it to me and got down on one knee. I was thinking he was pranking me again, and was preparing to yell at him (playfully, of course) but then I opened the box. There was a real engagement ring inside! As I opened the box, he asked, "Will you marry me?" To which I promptly replied, "Yes!" After that all I could really manage for several minutes was, "Oh my God!" I love that man! After we picked up Mama, we had a celebratory glass of wine with toasts to our happiness. Then we called friends to come out and celebrate with us at Club La Salle.

Michael and Me at La Salle celebrating our engagement.

Nightmares: Asleep and Awake

I had a nightmare about Kelsey dying. I dreamt that Mama and Michael took her to the vet for a check up, and they found she had something terminal and put her down. We were planning on going on a trip the next day, and Mama and Michael still intended to go. I was crying and refused to go unless they got me another Border Collie to console me. Mama said, "No more dogs." Michael said, "I know it's hard on you, but she was just a dog." And I just continued crying. Then I woke up. Then I went to look for Mama to tell her about my dream, but she had gone out running errands. So I made a cup of tea and worked on some homework while watching the Notre Dame - Army game. I started going through some photos. I found some of Brandy that are just gorgeous. I really miss her. It still hurts so much to not have her with me here on Earth. My angel watches me, but I just want to hold her. And so I started sobbing.

Photos

I almost forgot to add photos!


Here he is being the hardcore football player that he is!















Here is the two of us at Legends.
















Here he is as the intrepid explorer and builder of Sand City.

I went how long without writing a post?!

It has been a long time since I lasted posted on here, and a lot has happened since then. I have a wonderful boyfriend named Michael. He is in CSE and does QCA. He is very sweet, catholic, and very very smart. He loves football, and loves that I love football. He really does like me as I am, and I feel totally comfortable with him. He makes me feel like I can tell him anything and be myself without being afraid of how he'll judge me. All this an we just met two weeks ago. Very short amount of time to become so attached to someone. More on him later. I have gotten a bit behind in class and only just caught up in research. I got behind while taking care of a friend in crisis. She is doing much much better now, thank God. Ben is settling in and while not doing as well as he'd like, is doing quite well. I am still having a hard time missing Brandy, but Kelsey and Alex help me a lot. Kelsey has really blossomed into a mature, obedient, contented girl. She still misses her Brandy a lot, but she likes being number 1 with me. I really like my class. Who would have thought I would like quantum optics? Not me, that's for sure. The professor is really good. She makes everything very clear and gives us lots of helpful tips and explanations. Professor Tanner is definitely my favorite teacher since coming to Notre Dame. Things with the boys started out very tense, but since last Friday it seems like things are okay now. I saw Ian at a party at John and Julie's house (they both passed the bar!) and we made an attempt to be friendly, and a truce or mending or something happened. He warned me that Tyler was coming, and gave me a thumbs up on my man. I re-added him to facebook and he approved me right away. Allen also added me again. When Tyler, Justin, Joe, and Ted got to the party, I talked to Joe and he was friendly. Ted and Justin seemed to make a point of coming to say hi. We chatted for a while. It was really nice to be on good terms with old friends. I got a Motorola Q last month, and dropped it in a puddle two weeks ago. I need to see if I can repair it. It was working okay, but it won't let the battery charge completely and then runs out of juice and won't turn on. If I can't repair it, Mama said she'd buy me one for Christmas. It will be $300. but it's really cool and I love it. I need to write up some applications for funding so I can go to Australia to work with John Lattanzio (aka "The Tank Guy"). Toni visited her family for a long time and things are good there. I'm glad to have her back, though. She is a voice of sanity in my world. She's going to France in January. She has her own cat now, Auriga. I will take my written exam on January 27th, and I am scared to death! All I can do is study. Mama is taking classes toward her Master's in Creative Writing. She wants to teach at a university. She can take one class a semester that her job at IUSB will pay for. She is liking it a lot so far. I now have to get some grading done.

Long Time No Blog

Classes have started and I like the class I'm taking. I had one final elective to take, and I chose to do it this semester. So the choices were Condensed Matter or Quantum Optics. Yes. I did choose Quantum Optics. I am insane, but whatever. I went to class and it seems fun. Really. I'm not being hysterical or sarcastic. It really seems fun. And I'm still at a standstill on the remote login I need to continue my project. That sucks, but nothing to be done about it except harass them about the paperwork, which I'm doing. I do have some applications to send out for funding to be able to go to Australia next semester. I have tons of work to do, but all managable. And I'm advancing to candidacy this week. WOO HOO! But that means I get to start working on getting ready to take my written and oral candidacy exams.

I'm Home!

So I'm home. The trip was uneventful, with the exception of the haunted light. During the flight to Chicago, I turned on the personal light so I could do some Sudoku, and after a little bit it went out. I figured that the bulb burned out, and left it alone and didn't give it another thought. About three hours later, the light suddenly came on. The married couple next to me, were amazed and commented on it, and we laughed. Moments later the light went out again. Now we were laughing in amazement and wonder. So the husband tapped it and it came on again. Then it went out. And so began an hour long escapade with the light. It would come on with tapping or spontaneously, and turn off spontaneously. This happened when the plane was stable in without turbulence. Very bizarre, and we were laughing almost hysterically by the end of the flight. Finally it was on, and so I turned it off, and so we had the last word in the battle with the possessed light on United flight 450. :)

Mama was thrilled to see me, and I was thrilled to see her. The dogs couldn't believe their good fortune that I was home. Mama and I spent today shopping. It started out with a purse brunch hosted by Mama's boss, Ilene. Mama bought a new wallet, and I bought a new purse. All designer stuff. :) Then Mama got her hair cut, and I got some jammies. We drove by Notre Dame and I saw how they changed Juniper Road. I was totally shocked to see the stretch of Juniper through campus was completely covered over with dirt and grass seed and hay. It does look good, though. Then we capped off the night with some Chinese delivery.

It's good to be home.

Warning: Another Depressing Post

Today was a tough day. I'm having serious pms, which is probably the main problem. While in Berkeley today, we (Lauren, Annie, Ying, and I) were sitting outside an eatery eating when this dog wandered up. I couldn't tell right away, but I figured out later that the dog's people were there with the lady inside and the guy outside with the dog, but letting him wander somewhat. So the dog wanders around, and I'm wondering if he/she is a stray since he/she had no collar and was eating crumbs and looking intently for more. I had just eaten my piece of pizza to the crust. I looked at the dog, a big dark gray sheepdog, and Lauren immediately said, "No. Don't do it. He's not skinny, so he must belong to someone." She knew I was thinking how much this friendly, pretty, rather old dog might like my crust. I gave it to him/her anyway. He/She wandered back over to the guy, wandered back toward the door of the eatery and back. He/She looked at me and smiled a huge friendly smile, a thank you for the crust. No begging for more, just thank you for the crust. His/Her lady came out the door and he/she went over to her and then followed her to a table where she and the guy started eating. The old dog with terrible arthritis in both back legs sat under the woman's chair and smiled happily and watched the goings on around him/her. He/She reminded me of my Brandy Wyne. She always had a happy smile around people. She always thanked you for giving her good things and didn't beg for more. She always wanted to be near me or Mama and was happy just to hang out. She was old and gray haired in the face. She had bad arthritis in her hips. And she had that same happy, joyous, grateful, loving, open smile. God's smile. I started crying a little and tried to get a hold of myself. I called Mama and told her about it. I talked to Kelsey and Alex on the phone. Alex rar-rarred me when I told him I loved him. He does that only when I tell him I love him, so I think he's trying to say it back. That cheered me up a bit. Then at the Ikea, I started having some sort of panic attack. I had taken two Excedrin for my headache and I think it made me anxious. I was able to basically calm down enough to not freak out, but I was on edge. I found a stuffed whale, black and white and huge. It was soft. And it brought to mind my black-and-whites, and how I wanted to hug Brandy and tell her I love her. Reminded me of how I used to hug her, and how at night anymore that's all I want to do. Hold her. Hug her. Tell her I love her. Even dead I love that girl without limits, and I do feel like I'm missing a part of myself without her. I was able to pray about it, though. It's the first time I was able to look to God for comfort. That's something at least. I can't wait to get home and be with my family again. I can't hold Brandy, but I can hold Kelsey and Alex and Tigger.

I have two words for you - Outlet Mall

Today, Annie, Lauren, Monica, and I went to the Gilroy Outlet Mall. Wow! I found some awesome things. First, I found this very classy, very classic dress at Banana Republic. It's a wrap around dress, and thanks to the extra ten pounds I gained since April I have the breasts (size C, yes I'm bragging) to carry it. Next stop on the path of destruction was Anne Taylor. As you know, this is my favorite store. Ever since finding a dress at the last minute (literally) to wear to a wedding in May, I have loved this store. The dress was on sale, and a size 4 that fit perfectly. Not too tight anywhere, not too loose anywhere. Perfect. It was like they took my measurements and used that as the basis for their sizes. Okay, enough gushing about the store and back to the shopping. I found a pair of winter pants in a grey tweed that is absolutely perfect (there's that 'P' word again), and were incredibly slimming and flattering. I have the perfect pair of shoes to wear with them. The $90 stillettos from Aldo. Yes, I did try it all together when we got home, and the verdict is in. It is one HOT, CLASSY outfit. I'm stylin'. :) I also got a creme sweater, an ecru sweater/cardigan, an eggplant shirt with embroidery and beads at the neckline, and a black camisole. Whew. I fell in love with that store all over again. It's a miracle I left the store with my cards well below their limits. I have amazing self control. Bow before my awesomeness. ;) The next site of my temptation and economic stimulation was a small fragrance shop with big name cosmetics. I found the perfume Mama has been looking for for some time, Champs-Elysee. It is a very pretty scent. At first I thought she wanted Jess, by Jessica McClintock. But after a consultation with her via mobile phone, I learned I was in error. Thankfully I was able to keep the shop girls looking for it until the manager finally came out and showed them where it was on the shelves (after having told them 3 times we did have it and where it was). I am a happy daughter. I bought Mama jewelry she loves and wears to work all the time and gets compliments on from coworkers. Now I have her favorite perfume. I am not one to say mushy things, but I like to show people I care by finding things I think are good for them, or are somehow representative of their personality as I see them. I also wanted to find something for Ben. I hadn't found anything to get him all summer. I have some nice things for Janessa, but Ben is impossible to shop for. Better to get him gift cards and let him buy stuff. But that holds little personal meaning. So after consulting with him and with Janessa, I was encouraged to find a cologne that I thought was nice and would be good on him. I found one that is really nice. I won't say the name in case he reads this before I can give it to him. It's a really wonderful scent. If and when I have a boyfriend, that is what I will get him. Then I got two little inexpensive tester bottles of perfume, and two eyeshadow triples that had colors in them that I have admired and that are coming into style for the fall. Very rich colors. Next. I got something for Toni. I'm not going to tell you on the blog, Toni. You will just have to come visit and get it in person. :) I think you'll like it. Next I found a beauty supply store that had the largest selection of OPI that I have ever seen. I have been looking for a particular color for two years. I have not seen it since then, and in fact had heard it had been discontinued. But hope springs eternal, and that hope was rewarded. I found it! I also found a color I have looked at and refused to buy for over a year. It, too, has been discontinued, so I bought one of it as well. I also got a color that was just released, and I anticipate it being discontinued soon. ;) But I don't really care, because I have one. That is the full listing of my purchases. The total damage of the day is $338.07. I had set a maximum of around $300. I overshot it, but not by enough to cause me to be ill at ease. I can honestly say that I would have purchased everything I got today even under normal circumstances (prices). So I really saved a lot of money, despite having spent so much. :) I did look at jeans. I looked at the serious name brand, everyone loves the name, jeans at a major discount. I wasn't really tempted, however, because I can buy really nice fitting jeans for a fraction of the price and with a better fit. I really don't care about brand names. With the exception of Anne Taylor and Charlotte Russe. They are the best. When we got home, we modeled our purchases, and oohed and ahhed for each other. Great fun. Now time to sleep the sleep of the satisfied forager.

Continental Knitting is Faster!

I've been teaching myself how to knit using the Continental method. I learned how to knit the English way, but I heard that Continental was faster by far. So being the seeker of knowledge that I am, I decided to see for myself. The results are in, Ladies and Gentlemen. Continental is much much faster than English, even after only three days of trying as much as my hellish schedule allows (i.e. not much practice). There is an unexpected bonus as well. My stitches are more even and uniform. I'm a happy knitter!

A Long and Wonderful Weekend with a New Friend

I had a really nice weekend. I had a date with a really sweet guy on Friday. We ended up spending the weekend together, as it was his last one here in Livermore. He left this morning. We were both sorry we didn't get to know each other sooner. On Friday, we met for dinner. We ate at a mexican restaurant that was really classy. It had a warm atmosphere and wonderful food. We talked about our families, or careers. Then we went back to his apartment to watch a movie. We watched Minority Report with Tom Cruise and Colin Farrell. He made me breakfast in the morning, and we decided to spend the day together. So we decided to go to the Golden Gate Park in San Fran and see the Japanese Tea Garden. We went back to my apartment so I could shower. Annie and Ying were sleeping in the living room, so we were quiet coming in. Dave stayed in my room and surfed the internet while I got ready. Annie was funny. She was excited for me that we were hitting it off so well. We all chatted about the Park and how to get there. Then Dave and I left. We got to San Fran and got directions from one of the street guys that works for money by giving directions and pamphlets. That's a much better way of doing it than just begging. Actually, next time I'm there, I will probably talk to them and give them a couple bucks. We got on one of the busses, and there was this crazy guy on it who was ranting and raving about "JFK, Martin Luther King, Bay of Pigs, children dying in Cuba, women writing 'kill my babies on their 'titties', my auntie is Whitney Houston, you ever see my album on the top 20 list?", etc. And when a guy in a wheel chair got on, forcing the nut and another guy to give up their wheel chair accessible space seats, he ranted at the guy about how he was dead weight, and it was guys like him holding the black man down carrying his weight, and one day his niggahs were gonna refuse to carry his dead weight ass and let him die and they would take power. He was a total loonie. He had two hospital wristbands, so I wonder if he was discharged or escaped. Anyway. We walked around the Park for a while. There were lots of people there, and lots of dogs, too. They were having some sort of hippie fest with Hare Krishnas and stuff. We kept going past that. We wandered around until we found the Japanese Tea Garden. We paid the $3.50 entrance fee and wandered around. It had beautiful huge bonsai trees and a long winding stream with ponds. No koi (giant goldfish), but since people were tossing coins into the water, I guess they would have been poisoned. There was a large Pagoda with the single gated entrance that no one can go through. And there was a single tiered one that people can walk under. Then we walked back toward the bus stop and found a nice little pub to have dinner. They made their own sodas and had some really cool murals. Then we took the long trip back to Livermore. We were watching a movie when the fire alarm went off. It took the firemen a long time to get there. I don't think there was a real fire, but good to be prepared to save our own lives since the fire trucks won't get there in time to help. Finished the movie. Actually he fell asleep during the movie. I woke him up to tell him he might want to go to be to sleep. I didn't think the couch was the most comfortable place. In the morning he caught his plane back home. It was a really nice weekend, and I'm glad we got to spend the time together. I just wish we'd gone out sooner. Ah, well.

Me

I'm still learning about myself. I am a romantic. Scott told me I was, but I didn't believe him, then. I do believe in love. I do believe in nice guys. I don't believe in happily ever after. I guess that's the fly in the ointment. I just watched a movie that had to do with love. I don't believe in playing hard to get. I don't believe in being easy. I just believe in honesty. So now what? I need to figure out who I am. There was I time when I knew that. When I was young, I knew. Then I just survived. For years I just hung on waiting. And then we were free, and I could be me again. And I thought I knew. But, I wasn't sure anymore. Now and then I get a glimpse of me, through the dark. I like what I see, and who I am. And then I'm not that person again. Some people see that person I see. The person I am for others. That person isn't the person I am to myself. Others see the person that I am to myself, and they try to help me. They still like me, love me even, but they hate how I treat myself and the way I let myself down. So why mention this in the context of love and relationships? Because most of this comes from how I view men and how I think men view me. I know that nice guys exist. I know some. But usually, I think that when a man looks at me he's thinking that I'm unattractive and not that smart, and only good for one thing. That's not fair to men. While some are like that, many are not. My dad was. And I loved him. And that's what he told me he thought I was. I know he's wrong. Now if I could just feel that he was wrong. I think I should move to a place where there are only women and gay guys for a while. Remove sexual tension, and then learn how to deal with them. Until then, I think I will just try to be friends, and not let myself get any deeper than that. Then I can't be crushed or used. I wonder if I can. Maybe I'll dare myself. ;)

Jackie! Visit with an "Old Friend" ;)

I totally forgot to write about Jackie's visit! Sorry Jackie! Jackie came down on Sunday. Annie, Jackie and I went shopping. Yes, I did spend money, but I've been good lately, and I got some really great deals. Including one outfit that will find it's way on this blog one day soon. We had a great time. We had lunch at Chili's. I had the chicken tacos again, they are SO good. We shopped. We helped each other pick out clothes. We had frozen drinks at Gloria Jean's Coffee. We talked about sex in detail. :) Hey, we're girls, we talk. :) We shopped some more. We talked about school. We talked about pets. We talked about... lots of stuff. It was a gab fest. Then I made dinner. Toni, pick that jaw up off the ground. I can cook. Sometimes. If I try. We chatted some more. And then she was gone. *sadness* But thankfully she is doing well and working hard. Good luck on the exams, Jackie! You will do well! I know it! :)