Ramble on Motherhood

Motherhood is awesome. And tiring. And stressful. And the most wonderful thing I've ever done. My darling boy sleeps well 2 nights out of 3. He is calmed and at peace most when he's breastfeeding which makes me feel needed and loved, but eats like a horse and so requires supplements which makes me feel inadequate. He loves to be involved in everything and check out the world, but cries like a banshee when he's bored and should be sleeping. Things I don't mind but are unpleasant: pooing on me, spitting up on me, peeing on me, those times when he has to be changed 4 times in an hour. Things I love: when he falls asleep, when he falls asleep on me, when he zens out because he's breastfeeding, when he smiles (still only from passing gas, but adorable nonetheless), when he coos, when he looks around with wide eyed curiosity, when he sighs happily, when he enjoys his bath. Things that annoy me: when he cries for no reason after he's been fed and changed and rocked and played with, when he refuses to sleep at night even though he's really tired, when he needs supplements to breastfeeding because I apparently am inadequate. People talk about the guilt mothers can wield over their children, but what about the guilt mothers feel? I feel guilty when I can't soothe him, even though experienced mothers and medical people say it's normal. I feel guilty when I get annoyed with him because I can't figure out what he wants. I feel guilty when I get impatient with him because I have things I want to do and he is being demanding. I feel guilty when I go out and leave him with Mama or Michael. Motherhood is a dichotomy. It's the easiest and hardest thing I've ever done. It's the most stimulating and mind numbing thing I've ever done. And thank God it gets easier with each passing week. I love this boy, and I want him to have the best I can give him and the best I can do for him. However, this means I put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect for him. Sometimes I can do it without tears, and sometimes not, but no matter what, he's worth every tear and every stress I feel, and I've never been happier.

Life is a Full and Wonderful Thing

Okay, it's been a while since I last posted. Having 2 blogs unnecessarily complicates blogging. Add living to that and time drags on between posts for one or both blogs.

I had baby J on December 23rd. He was born by cesarean after 25 hours of hard labor. There were a number of complications and in the end it was necessary and best to have a c-section. He was very healthy having 1 and 5 minute Apgars of 9. He recognized Mama's voice when she talked to him as the nurses checked him out. When she talked to him, he stopped crying. The nurses needed him to cry for the Apgar, so they shooed Mama away until they were done with him. I had some issues with bleeding and they even called for blood for a transfusion, but at the very last minute they were able to get the bleeding under control. I was periodically "shocky" for two weeks afterward, but I'm pretty healthy now. In fact, I feel very close to my old self. I still get tired easily and I'm still a bit sore, but it's all normal for c-section recovery. My bleeding has already stopped as well, and no more bleeding after 3 weeks is doing pretty well. As horrible as the c-section was for me, if I have to I will do it again. Next time I'd like to try a VBAC (vaginal delivery after cesarean). I've read that 70% of women who try it succeed. But if I don't succeed, the next c-section will be much easier to handle, since I've gone through it once already.

Husband and I are settling into parenthood very well. We have learned how to figure out what baby J wants and needs most of the time. Sometimes we're baffled, but this is normal for parents of children at any age. He's a very good boy, and he loves his family. He hasn't slept through the night yet, but he's only a month old, and some nights he only gets up once. He usually will 2 good nights then one rough night. Rough nights are where he demands to be up for 2 to 4 hours in the middle of the night. He has been very good when we've brought him out with us. Breastfeeding has taken some time for us to get used to, but we've finally come to be comfortable with it.

I have taken a Medical Separation from Academic Duties so I have the first 6 weeks of school off from TA duties. I wasn't planning on taking any time off after a vaginal delivery, but the c-section requires a longer recovery period. Now that I'm at four weeks recovery time, I'm feeling much better, but I still can't be on my feet for more than a hour or two at a time. My labs are 2 hours each, and I have 2 consecutive labs. So that's 4 consecutive hours on my feet. Not doable for me at this point, but given a few more weeks (which thankfully I have) it shouldn't be a problem. I get to start exercising (gently) in 2 more weeks. I could walk some now if the weather weren't so terrible. But I intend to start with swimming, then after a couple of weeks I'll probably try low impact aerobics.

Mother-In-Law is coming for a visit next month, and she mentioned that it would be nice if we could have baby J baptized then so she could be there for it. We had to do a little maneuvering to get it done, but we worked it out. Sister R and her Fiance are going to be baby J's godparents and have arranged to come out for the baptism as well. :) Mama is making him a baptismal gown. It's gorgeous!