Long Time No Blog

Classes have started and I like the class I'm taking. I had one final elective to take, and I chose to do it this semester. So the choices were Condensed Matter or Quantum Optics. Yes. I did choose Quantum Optics. I am insane, but whatever. I went to class and it seems fun. Really. I'm not being hysterical or sarcastic. It really seems fun. And I'm still at a standstill on the remote login I need to continue my project. That sucks, but nothing to be done about it except harass them about the paperwork, which I'm doing. I do have some applications to send out for funding to be able to go to Australia next semester. I have tons of work to do, but all managable. And I'm advancing to candidacy this week. WOO HOO! But that means I get to start working on getting ready to take my written and oral candidacy exams.

I'm Home!

So I'm home. The trip was uneventful, with the exception of the haunted light. During the flight to Chicago, I turned on the personal light so I could do some Sudoku, and after a little bit it went out. I figured that the bulb burned out, and left it alone and didn't give it another thought. About three hours later, the light suddenly came on. The married couple next to me, were amazed and commented on it, and we laughed. Moments later the light went out again. Now we were laughing in amazement and wonder. So the husband tapped it and it came on again. Then it went out. And so began an hour long escapade with the light. It would come on with tapping or spontaneously, and turn off spontaneously. This happened when the plane was stable in without turbulence. Very bizarre, and we were laughing almost hysterically by the end of the flight. Finally it was on, and so I turned it off, and so we had the last word in the battle with the possessed light on United flight 450. :)

Mama was thrilled to see me, and I was thrilled to see her. The dogs couldn't believe their good fortune that I was home. Mama and I spent today shopping. It started out with a purse brunch hosted by Mama's boss, Ilene. Mama bought a new wallet, and I bought a new purse. All designer stuff. :) Then Mama got her hair cut, and I got some jammies. We drove by Notre Dame and I saw how they changed Juniper Road. I was totally shocked to see the stretch of Juniper through campus was completely covered over with dirt and grass seed and hay. It does look good, though. Then we capped off the night with some Chinese delivery.

It's good to be home.

Warning: Another Depressing Post

Today was a tough day. I'm having serious pms, which is probably the main problem. While in Berkeley today, we (Lauren, Annie, Ying, and I) were sitting outside an eatery eating when this dog wandered up. I couldn't tell right away, but I figured out later that the dog's people were there with the lady inside and the guy outside with the dog, but letting him wander somewhat. So the dog wanders around, and I'm wondering if he/she is a stray since he/she had no collar and was eating crumbs and looking intently for more. I had just eaten my piece of pizza to the crust. I looked at the dog, a big dark gray sheepdog, and Lauren immediately said, "No. Don't do it. He's not skinny, so he must belong to someone." She knew I was thinking how much this friendly, pretty, rather old dog might like my crust. I gave it to him/her anyway. He/She wandered back over to the guy, wandered back toward the door of the eatery and back. He/She looked at me and smiled a huge friendly smile, a thank you for the crust. No begging for more, just thank you for the crust. His/Her lady came out the door and he/she went over to her and then followed her to a table where she and the guy started eating. The old dog with terrible arthritis in both back legs sat under the woman's chair and smiled happily and watched the goings on around him/her. He/She reminded me of my Brandy Wyne. She always had a happy smile around people. She always thanked you for giving her good things and didn't beg for more. She always wanted to be near me or Mama and was happy just to hang out. She was old and gray haired in the face. She had bad arthritis in her hips. And she had that same happy, joyous, grateful, loving, open smile. God's smile. I started crying a little and tried to get a hold of myself. I called Mama and told her about it. I talked to Kelsey and Alex on the phone. Alex rar-rarred me when I told him I loved him. He does that only when I tell him I love him, so I think he's trying to say it back. That cheered me up a bit. Then at the Ikea, I started having some sort of panic attack. I had taken two Excedrin for my headache and I think it made me anxious. I was able to basically calm down enough to not freak out, but I was on edge. I found a stuffed whale, black and white and huge. It was soft. And it brought to mind my black-and-whites, and how I wanted to hug Brandy and tell her I love her. Reminded me of how I used to hug her, and how at night anymore that's all I want to do. Hold her. Hug her. Tell her I love her. Even dead I love that girl without limits, and I do feel like I'm missing a part of myself without her. I was able to pray about it, though. It's the first time I was able to look to God for comfort. That's something at least. I can't wait to get home and be with my family again. I can't hold Brandy, but I can hold Kelsey and Alex and Tigger.

I have two words for you - Outlet Mall

Today, Annie, Lauren, Monica, and I went to the Gilroy Outlet Mall. Wow! I found some awesome things. First, I found this very classy, very classic dress at Banana Republic. It's a wrap around dress, and thanks to the extra ten pounds I gained since April I have the breasts (size C, yes I'm bragging) to carry it. Next stop on the path of destruction was Anne Taylor. As you know, this is my favorite store. Ever since finding a dress at the last minute (literally) to wear to a wedding in May, I have loved this store. The dress was on sale, and a size 4 that fit perfectly. Not too tight anywhere, not too loose anywhere. Perfect. It was like they took my measurements and used that as the basis for their sizes. Okay, enough gushing about the store and back to the shopping. I found a pair of winter pants in a grey tweed that is absolutely perfect (there's that 'P' word again), and were incredibly slimming and flattering. I have the perfect pair of shoes to wear with them. The $90 stillettos from Aldo. Yes, I did try it all together when we got home, and the verdict is in. It is one HOT, CLASSY outfit. I'm stylin'. :) I also got a creme sweater, an ecru sweater/cardigan, an eggplant shirt with embroidery and beads at the neckline, and a black camisole. Whew. I fell in love with that store all over again. It's a miracle I left the store with my cards well below their limits. I have amazing self control. Bow before my awesomeness. ;) The next site of my temptation and economic stimulation was a small fragrance shop with big name cosmetics. I found the perfume Mama has been looking for for some time, Champs-Elysee. It is a very pretty scent. At first I thought she wanted Jess, by Jessica McClintock. But after a consultation with her via mobile phone, I learned I was in error. Thankfully I was able to keep the shop girls looking for it until the manager finally came out and showed them where it was on the shelves (after having told them 3 times we did have it and where it was). I am a happy daughter. I bought Mama jewelry she loves and wears to work all the time and gets compliments on from coworkers. Now I have her favorite perfume. I am not one to say mushy things, but I like to show people I care by finding things I think are good for them, or are somehow representative of their personality as I see them. I also wanted to find something for Ben. I hadn't found anything to get him all summer. I have some nice things for Janessa, but Ben is impossible to shop for. Better to get him gift cards and let him buy stuff. But that holds little personal meaning. So after consulting with him and with Janessa, I was encouraged to find a cologne that I thought was nice and would be good on him. I found one that is really nice. I won't say the name in case he reads this before I can give it to him. It's a really wonderful scent. If and when I have a boyfriend, that is what I will get him. Then I got two little inexpensive tester bottles of perfume, and two eyeshadow triples that had colors in them that I have admired and that are coming into style for the fall. Very rich colors. Next. I got something for Toni. I'm not going to tell you on the blog, Toni. You will just have to come visit and get it in person. :) I think you'll like it. Next I found a beauty supply store that had the largest selection of OPI that I have ever seen. I have been looking for a particular color for two years. I have not seen it since then, and in fact had heard it had been discontinued. But hope springs eternal, and that hope was rewarded. I found it! I also found a color I have looked at and refused to buy for over a year. It, too, has been discontinued, so I bought one of it as well. I also got a color that was just released, and I anticipate it being discontinued soon. ;) But I don't really care, because I have one. That is the full listing of my purchases. The total damage of the day is $338.07. I had set a maximum of around $300. I overshot it, but not by enough to cause me to be ill at ease. I can honestly say that I would have purchased everything I got today even under normal circumstances (prices). So I really saved a lot of money, despite having spent so much. :) I did look at jeans. I looked at the serious name brand, everyone loves the name, jeans at a major discount. I wasn't really tempted, however, because I can buy really nice fitting jeans for a fraction of the price and with a better fit. I really don't care about brand names. With the exception of Anne Taylor and Charlotte Russe. They are the best. When we got home, we modeled our purchases, and oohed and ahhed for each other. Great fun. Now time to sleep the sleep of the satisfied forager.

Continental Knitting is Faster!

I've been teaching myself how to knit using the Continental method. I learned how to knit the English way, but I heard that Continental was faster by far. So being the seeker of knowledge that I am, I decided to see for myself. The results are in, Ladies and Gentlemen. Continental is much much faster than English, even after only three days of trying as much as my hellish schedule allows (i.e. not much practice). There is an unexpected bonus as well. My stitches are more even and uniform. I'm a happy knitter!

A Long and Wonderful Weekend with a New Friend

I had a really nice weekend. I had a date with a really sweet guy on Friday. We ended up spending the weekend together, as it was his last one here in Livermore. He left this morning. We were both sorry we didn't get to know each other sooner. On Friday, we met for dinner. We ate at a mexican restaurant that was really classy. It had a warm atmosphere and wonderful food. We talked about our families, or careers. Then we went back to his apartment to watch a movie. We watched Minority Report with Tom Cruise and Colin Farrell. He made me breakfast in the morning, and we decided to spend the day together. So we decided to go to the Golden Gate Park in San Fran and see the Japanese Tea Garden. We went back to my apartment so I could shower. Annie and Ying were sleeping in the living room, so we were quiet coming in. Dave stayed in my room and surfed the internet while I got ready. Annie was funny. She was excited for me that we were hitting it off so well. We all chatted about the Park and how to get there. Then Dave and I left. We got to San Fran and got directions from one of the street guys that works for money by giving directions and pamphlets. That's a much better way of doing it than just begging. Actually, next time I'm there, I will probably talk to them and give them a couple bucks. We got on one of the busses, and there was this crazy guy on it who was ranting and raving about "JFK, Martin Luther King, Bay of Pigs, children dying in Cuba, women writing 'kill my babies on their 'titties', my auntie is Whitney Houston, you ever see my album on the top 20 list?", etc. And when a guy in a wheel chair got on, forcing the nut and another guy to give up their wheel chair accessible space seats, he ranted at the guy about how he was dead weight, and it was guys like him holding the black man down carrying his weight, and one day his niggahs were gonna refuse to carry his dead weight ass and let him die and they would take power. He was a total loonie. He had two hospital wristbands, so I wonder if he was discharged or escaped. Anyway. We walked around the Park for a while. There were lots of people there, and lots of dogs, too. They were having some sort of hippie fest with Hare Krishnas and stuff. We kept going past that. We wandered around until we found the Japanese Tea Garden. We paid the $3.50 entrance fee and wandered around. It had beautiful huge bonsai trees and a long winding stream with ponds. No koi (giant goldfish), but since people were tossing coins into the water, I guess they would have been poisoned. There was a large Pagoda with the single gated entrance that no one can go through. And there was a single tiered one that people can walk under. Then we walked back toward the bus stop and found a nice little pub to have dinner. They made their own sodas and had some really cool murals. Then we took the long trip back to Livermore. We were watching a movie when the fire alarm went off. It took the firemen a long time to get there. I don't think there was a real fire, but good to be prepared to save our own lives since the fire trucks won't get there in time to help. Finished the movie. Actually he fell asleep during the movie. I woke him up to tell him he might want to go to be to sleep. I didn't think the couch was the most comfortable place. In the morning he caught his plane back home. It was a really nice weekend, and I'm glad we got to spend the time together. I just wish we'd gone out sooner. Ah, well.

Me

I'm still learning about myself. I am a romantic. Scott told me I was, but I didn't believe him, then. I do believe in love. I do believe in nice guys. I don't believe in happily ever after. I guess that's the fly in the ointment. I just watched a movie that had to do with love. I don't believe in playing hard to get. I don't believe in being easy. I just believe in honesty. So now what? I need to figure out who I am. There was I time when I knew that. When I was young, I knew. Then I just survived. For years I just hung on waiting. And then we were free, and I could be me again. And I thought I knew. But, I wasn't sure anymore. Now and then I get a glimpse of me, through the dark. I like what I see, and who I am. And then I'm not that person again. Some people see that person I see. The person I am for others. That person isn't the person I am to myself. Others see the person that I am to myself, and they try to help me. They still like me, love me even, but they hate how I treat myself and the way I let myself down. So why mention this in the context of love and relationships? Because most of this comes from how I view men and how I think men view me. I know that nice guys exist. I know some. But usually, I think that when a man looks at me he's thinking that I'm unattractive and not that smart, and only good for one thing. That's not fair to men. While some are like that, many are not. My dad was. And I loved him. And that's what he told me he thought I was. I know he's wrong. Now if I could just feel that he was wrong. I think I should move to a place where there are only women and gay guys for a while. Remove sexual tension, and then learn how to deal with them. Until then, I think I will just try to be friends, and not let myself get any deeper than that. Then I can't be crushed or used. I wonder if I can. Maybe I'll dare myself. ;)

Jackie! Visit with an "Old Friend" ;)

I totally forgot to write about Jackie's visit! Sorry Jackie! Jackie came down on Sunday. Annie, Jackie and I went shopping. Yes, I did spend money, but I've been good lately, and I got some really great deals. Including one outfit that will find it's way on this blog one day soon. We had a great time. We had lunch at Chili's. I had the chicken tacos again, they are SO good. We shopped. We helped each other pick out clothes. We had frozen drinks at Gloria Jean's Coffee. We talked about sex in detail. :) Hey, we're girls, we talk. :) We shopped some more. We talked about school. We talked about pets. We talked about... lots of stuff. It was a gab fest. Then I made dinner. Toni, pick that jaw up off the ground. I can cook. Sometimes. If I try. We chatted some more. And then she was gone. *sadness* But thankfully she is doing well and working hard. Good luck on the exams, Jackie! You will do well! I know it! :)

Day Gets Better, and If Mama had Another Daughter

So, I was woken up by a phone call from my LLNL advisor. No one could get a hold of me yesterday to release my timecard. *Sigh* Then I tried to go buy my new bus pass. I was two dollars short of having the cash. But the lady at the counter said they take checks. I write out the check, and hand her my driver's license. She says they can't take out of state driver's licenses. I told her I don't have one. "You don't have one?", she asked incredulously. So I explained I was only here three months a year to work at the lab. Talking behind the glass. Then she says to me again, "We really need a California driver's license to put here," and she gestures to a part of the check. My reply was that I didn't have one (still). More talking. "I'm sorry, we really need a California driver's license." More talking. I'm waiting for her to hand me the check back. Finally she says they can't take a check with out a California driver's license, and hands me back the check. I say okay, and ask her to break a five so I can take the bus to work. And then I had to wait a half hour for the bus. So I walked a half hour to not get what I needed, then had to wait a half hour for the bus I couldn't get a pass for. *Sigh* Some things just don't work out smoothly.

Then I get to work. I work my butt off, and things are going okay, except that I keep trying to fall asleep. It is so hard to stay awake in that place while the screen flies by me at a hundred miles an hour. Any way, I have things working, other things beginning to be in the works. So it was fruitful, and frustrating. Whatever. I'll keep on it.

On the bus ride home, I ran into Dave. I hadn't seen him since the party bus. We chatted a bit, which was nice. He seems like a nice guy. We're going to do something before he leaves next week.

Then I remembered that the bbq at Scott and JC's was today. I went over and we had another nice bbq. They always have a nice get together. They're nice guys, too. We all sat around telling stories and chatting about anything and nothing. It was a very good end to a rather roughly starting day. :)

Then I got to chat with Toni about boys, faith, mysticism, religion, blogs, and saints. It's always nice to talk to her. We're so much alike. She tells me what I need to hear, and I tell her stuff, and hope it helps. I think Mama should adopt her. :) I always wanted a sister. That would be awesome. I told Mama that she should be in our family, and she agreed. She said that Toni is the daughter she had with the ambassador's aide she once made out with. Okay, the dates don't work out, but it would explain the ethnic diversity of her children. And she did say he was cute. ;)

I got a package from Mama yesterday. She sent some candy and a movie and a really cute outfit. The pants fit just right, and I wore it today. I'm so cute! The shirt I need to shrink and tie up the straps to lift it up a bit. I don't really need the girls shown off that much. ;) I watched the movie last night. It was so funny. The British are so weird. Shaun of the Dead is a really funny spoof of Dawn of the Dead. I really liked it. I think if you hadn't seen Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead would seem gruesome and strange, as Mama put it. But I'd seen it and this was soooo funny! And it had a happy ending, unlike Dawn. Ah, well.