Ramble on Motherhood

Motherhood is awesome. And tiring. And stressful. And the most wonderful thing I've ever done. My darling boy sleeps well 2 nights out of 3. He is calmed and at peace most when he's breastfeeding which makes me feel needed and loved, but eats like a horse and so requires supplements which makes me feel inadequate. He loves to be involved in everything and check out the world, but cries like a banshee when he's bored and should be sleeping. Things I don't mind but are unpleasant: pooing on me, spitting up on me, peeing on me, those times when he has to be changed 4 times in an hour. Things I love: when he falls asleep, when he falls asleep on me, when he zens out because he's breastfeeding, when he smiles (still only from passing gas, but adorable nonetheless), when he coos, when he looks around with wide eyed curiosity, when he sighs happily, when he enjoys his bath. Things that annoy me: when he cries for no reason after he's been fed and changed and rocked and played with, when he refuses to sleep at night even though he's really tired, when he needs supplements to breastfeeding because I apparently am inadequate. People talk about the guilt mothers can wield over their children, but what about the guilt mothers feel? I feel guilty when I can't soothe him, even though experienced mothers and medical people say it's normal. I feel guilty when I get annoyed with him because I can't figure out what he wants. I feel guilty when I get impatient with him because I have things I want to do and he is being demanding. I feel guilty when I go out and leave him with Mama or Michael. Motherhood is a dichotomy. It's the easiest and hardest thing I've ever done. It's the most stimulating and mind numbing thing I've ever done. And thank God it gets easier with each passing week. I love this boy, and I want him to have the best I can give him and the best I can do for him. However, this means I put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect for him. Sometimes I can do it without tears, and sometimes not, but no matter what, he's worth every tear and every stress I feel, and I've never been happier.