Road Trip!

Going to LA! Lots of partying and fun in the sun with a bunch of people! Woo hoo!

Fun and Nightmares

I had a great day at work yesterday. Dave came in and saw the first model I was developing, and it wasn't what we wanted. It was interesting, but it wasn't going to start flashing so we figured out some parameters to alter to get the kind of star we need. I then "grew" one. I have more of them to make today. I really like this part. It's not hard, and it's rather fun to see it coming together.

The party last night was cancelled. So we went to see X3: The Last Stand. The first two movies were much better, but this one was okay. The teasing bits at the end were the most interesting parts.

Ying gave Annie her birthday present early since we will be in LA for her birthday tomorrow. He bought her a guitar! She was so excited. She has been wanting to get one for a while. She knows a few songs, but is slow on the chord transitions, or so she says. What little she did play sounded nice to me. I guess that's like when I play a small bit on the piano horribly, but to someone who doesn't know it sounds lovely. :) Gotta love that about music.

I had 3 nights free of nightmares; two nights without dreams, and one night with good dreams. Then last night I had nightmares again. I was dreaming that my parents were still together, and Dad was just an ominous background figure, doing nothing but watching tv and preaching at us from his computer desk. Sounds about normal for his least violent and least menacing moods. And I was getting ready to go to LLNL for the summer and Brandy was dying. And it looked sometimes like she was fine, but other times she was very sick. It was two days before I was to leave and it was clear she was going to live for a while past me leaving, but certainly not until I could return. And so I was upset about leaving her knowing she would die in my absence. And crying. Sobbing. Hysterical. And all the while Mama telling me I did my best for her, that she knew I loved her, and that I had to do what I needed to do. And the last part I remember was me looking at Brandy, and knowing she was going to die, and being helpless to change it, and her looking at me, wanting my attention. My roommate came in then, telling me I had to wake up so we wouldn't be late for work. I was awake then, and felt like I'd been crying, and my eyes were swollen, but there were no dried tears, so I guess I didn't.

Coding Conquest

There have been many successes today. That coding issue I've been fighting for a week is resolved, and it wasn't my fault! YAY! I was given the old version of the generating code which no longer works with the evolutionary code. So we found the right version, and I fixed the bugs in those, damn MAC to Unix conversion BS. Anyway. I am now ready to rock and roll! *Happy Dance*

Tomorrow night, Lauren and I are going to a party with some of Hunter's friends. It's flirting time! Then after work on Friday we leave for LA! Party time! Woo hoo! Yay! I wasn't having much fun for the longest time, because I was trying to be good and work as much as possible. Now that I've been going out and doing things, I work harder during the day and actually get more done. Who'd've thought partying would lead to greater productivity? Win - Win.

I found a Catholic church nearby. St. Michael's is just two blocks away. St. Michael's. How appropriate is that for me? Haha. It's fate! I'm going to try to go most mornings too. That way I get up earlier and get can then walk to work since it'll be cool enough still.

Read at your own RISK

I have discovered I love the game RISK. While I am not particularly good or bad at it, it's just loads of fun. Making threats, waging war, collaborating, devising strategies and counter strategies, watching for signs of opponents plans, preemptive strikes, reactive strikes, blood lust, and all out mayhem. I LOVE IT! It's fun even when you lose! We play it on our lunch breaks. Bob the Devious has me hooked on it. I may quit grad school and become an Olympic RISK player. Let the Games commence!

Oh, and my Notre Dame UNO cards are awesome also. The Notre Dame Euchre cards, too. I wonder if there's a Notre Dame version of RISK... I wonder what the other regions would be... Michigan Swampland, Air Force Plane Cemeteries, USC Used Condoms Garbage Dump... hmmm.... ;)

They Miss Me

I talked to Mama this morning, and she said my Alex really misses me. He hasn't wanted to eat and was vomiting this morning, which he does when the world is just not right in the world according to Ally. So she put him on the phone so he would hear me talk to him, and he whimpered and huffed and puffed into the phone. He then gave Mama a look of supreme happiness, and all was right with the world. So then Kelsey was put on the phone. I heard her huffling and panting also. She didn't look particularly depressed before, but after talking to me, she gave Mama a look of peace and satisfaction. Next came Tigger, and she listened and panted to me as I cooed to her. She also smiled beneficently at Mama. So my babies were worried that I wouldn't come back. I don't think they could handle losing another pack member right now, so thankfully they don't and are thrilled to pieces to know I'm out there somewhere. (Does anyone else hear Over the Rainbow in the background?) It's good to know that my babies miss me as much as I miss them.

Alex before:










Alex After:











Kelsey Before:










Kelsey After:










Tigger Before:










Tigger After:

I'm not Waiting for Tomorrow, Today is Another Day

Okay. So everyone knows I've had a rough year, filled with personal issues and dramas and traumas. While being here in Cali, I've been fighting my demons. I've been plagued by nightmares about my dad, betrayals by friends, traumas with men, deaths of loved ones, missing my loved ones at home, friends moving away, etc. I've continued to grieve over losing Brandy, dreaming of her being with me and waking to find her gone. And so my nightmares have been while asleep and awake. I can't continue like this. And so I won't. I'm going to take a shower, and then I'll do some laundry. Then I'm going to clean up my room and move my (Amanda's) air mattress. Then I'm going to make a chicken salad sandwich. Then I'm going to work on my programming and do some reading. And as the day cools off, I'm going to take a long walk and take some pictures of California. Then I'm going to come back to my apartment, order a pizza, put on a movie and do some more programming. I will take some time to pray and ask for God's mercy and peace for myself and for all who seek it, and for Mama's first day at her new job to go well. And then I will go to bed and sleep, so I can be well rested for work tomorrow. I may continue to have nightmares, but I will try to make my waking hours as peaceful as I can.

Paradise (no longer) Lost

So my knitting came in today! I was very tickled. Happiness is knitting. Okay, actually, happiness is knitting while drinking a glass of wine with the tv on something good or a movie. But I'll take what I can get at the moment.

Helped Mama shop for clothes via cell phone. Pix messages are wonderful things! Now she just needs some accessories, colorful scarves and jewelry. Now she has a full wardrobe for her new job. She will of course need to add to it, but it's good enough for now. :)

Chinese Food = Good
Chinese Food + Delivery = Heaven

I don't want to sleep

So I seem to write several times a day lately. Thoughts just occur to me, and I write. I wonder if that means I'm stalking myself...

So I've been having bad dreams lately. I had one last night and my dad was in it. There was some guy who had his dog with him, and he was a friend of dad's. He was taking him to the vet because the dog was sick. It was a yellow lab and he couldn't move his back legs. They guy was trying to get the dog to walk and bring him into the vet's office which was next door. When dad saw the dog dragging his legs he decided it was just being disobediant, and decided to punish him and spanked him calling him a bad boy. I yell at him and shove him away, and we argue. And by argue I mean scream at the top of our lungs. I woke myself up yelling at him. Then I went back to sleep. I dreamed that I was holding Brandy. And when I woke up, I was heartbroken. So started my day. I haven't slept without dreams like this all week. Now I don't want to go to sleep. I guess I will just try praying.

Knitting package from home MIA

Oh! Where the Bloody Hell is my knitting package from home? It's been a week. That's way too long for a first class package to take. Bastard Postal Service! Unless it's been delivered and someone stole it. Asshole! I will hunt them down. Then I will drag them through the streets by their feet in the burning heat of day. Then I will hang them upside down above a beehive of angry bees, in the open sun. Don't they know that you can't take knitting projects away from a knitter?! Cruel! Heartless!

Coding Hell

Okay. So. When I fix one error, I find another. No one told me that simply moving files into new folders would change their properties. It shouldn't. But it does. DAMN IT! (And to say it right, say it slowly, carefully enunciating each syllable with extreme stress on the T.) And whoever said 94 pages of textbook reading was "all" I had to do needs to die a slow painful death. Okay, he doesn't really, but it's going to take more than one day to read. Seriously. And I get to work this weekend to get my model up and running so when The Mad Bomber gets back from vacation I have something to show him. Damn coding. Talking between Mac and PC and Unix shouldn't introduce crap, and why can't new line be the same command?! DAMN IT! (Fast and loud this time.) Okay. Fine. But if I'm going to work all weekend, I'm going to need wine and lots of it. And the phone number of a Chinese place that delivers.

The Best News!

After my long description of my dream, I forgot about the best news that I got yesterday. Mama got that job! She is now the Administrative Assistant to the Vice Chancelor of Public Affairs and University Developement at UISB. Yoo hoo! Nice! I'm so excited for her. I danced around the livingroom. Yay! She starts Monday.

Mama reminded me today that I didn't explain what the symbolism of my dream was. I looked up tornadoes, and they symbolize violent upheaval and/or separation from loved ones. So there were five tornadoes that all synchronized together to form a larger sixth tornado. Have fun with that puzzle.

Damn Dreams

I just found out about the symbolism of a dream I had last night. I was there with both of my parents and we were still living in our house in North Carolina. For those of you who know me, you'll know that this is a nightmare in and of itself. But it gets better. HE, and you know who he is, was holding a puppy and playing with it, and when she started to pee, he handed her to me. I made some comment about "sure give her to me to take care of when making a mess, and you take her when she's fun". He then laughs and says, "okay, I'll train her where to go." He takes her from me, and takes her to my room scolds her and says, "you potty here, not on Daddy" and laughs. He then spanks her bottom to scold her. I pick her up and we have an argument about inappropriate behavior with the dog, confusing her and that it isn't funny or a joke to teach her that it's okay to potty in my room or anywhere else in the house. He blows up and we end up shouting, as we had done in real life, and Mama jumps in to say that it wasn't really a funny joke and that he shouldn't do it again and that we should stop yelling because it wasn't that serious a problem. He then decides he has a headache and goes to bed, and we of course have to be quiet from now on to let him rest. And somehow, I have three sisters. One has her own place somewhere, school or something, and the other two live at home. I got the impression that the sister who was out of the house was becoming a Daddy's girl because he's buy her things and she no longer had to deal with hardly at all. One of the sisters at home basically stayed out of the way and didn't make waves, and the other one was a total Daddy's girl who would side with him on everything and continue the fight after it was finished. I was the only one fed up with him and how he treated "us" and "our" mother, and so I was the only one willing to fight with him, and so, of course, he targeted me. Actually, the passive sister hated the treatment we were all subjected to, but would hide until the coast was clear and never talk about it openly. So, after he goes to bed, Mama gets back to doing chores around the house with a final, "let it go" to me, and then Daddy's girl and I got into it about the fight I'd had with him. She's telling me he's right, it was a joke, I should lighten up on him, I'm such a Mama's girl, what's my problem. And I'm telling her he's an abusive asshole, and she should grow up and smell the bullshit around us instead of pretending it was mud and playing with it. I remember that part rather clearly. Then the dogs are outside and Mama's dog is a huge mastiff sized yellow lab that was profoundly stupid and slobbery but very loving, and he was called "Cuddles". Some of the older neighborhood boys were playing with him and asked me what sort of name was Cuddles for a big dog, and I laughed. Then I see that there were flames coming out from under the house and at that moment one of my "sisters" comes running up to me and is shouting, "fire!" So Mama tries to get everyone out including the dogs who are now running around all over the place. Everyone is running around and yelling at Dad to get up and take care of it. He sort of grunts and rolls over. Flames are now coming up outside the windows and I am grabbing dogs and putting them in the car away from the house so they are safe and out of the way. As I am doing this the "Daddy's Girl" sister comes up to me and tells me to stop messing with the dogs and grab the important things. Of course my response was that the dogs were the most important things, and what else should I save as more important? Papers, pictures? Etc. Then I carry on. Finally he gets up and goes down stairs to look at the now inferno and throws some water on part of it, and the wind picks up and puts out part of it, and the water puts out the rest. He grunts and returns to bed. Then Mama tells me that it was a really great idea to put the dogs in the car to keep the dogs safe and out of the way. Then we all start to notice the wind is really picking up. I let the dogs out of the car and back into the house. As I do so I hear a radio warning for tornadoes in my area specifically, and I look up to see one headed my way. So we all run inside and watch the destruction. Thankfully it doesn't hit our house, but it hits other houses nearby that are empty. As I'm watching, I see it move off and be joined by another tornado from the other side and they both travel together and are joined by three others. As the come together they remain separate, but move together as one tornado, twisting around each other and moving up and down. I just stand there watching them. And then I woke up feeling stressed out and anxious.

Damn dreams. I'm not so much into symbolism when I'm awake, so why can't I just read myself a dialogue and come out with it in plain English?

Finally! Legal Internet Connection

So we finally have our own internet connection. The guy came to install it and just plugged it in and left. Hell, I could've done that. So I hooked it up to my computer, and it would only let me go so far before it said I had to call customer support to verify info. So I did, and got a tech support guy in Michigan who, naturally, couldn't mess with the accounts here in California. So I called again and put in a bogus phone number with a local California area code, and finally got a tech here in Cali. So then he couldn't find the account and couldn't locate the modem on his system. We tried Annie's name with various spellings of her last name. We tried the service number. We tried Annie's phone number. We tried our address. We tried the zip code. Nothing. Finally he looked for it under the MAC ID number from the bottom of the modem and he found it. All the info was there on the file and should have popped up during the search, but didn't. We did find however that the service order had to numbers exchanged. Either I gave it to him wrong or he put it in wrong and I didn't catch it when he said it back to me. Anyway. Finally got it set up on his end, and just had to load the driver. And, Lo and Behold!, the driver for this modem wasn't on the install CD. So I had to do some looking around to make sure, and finally had to decide to find it online, said goodbye to the tech. And dumped all of the install crap from my computer, and hooked it up to the wireless router, and voila! We have internet. The router doesn't need the driver, so what do I care. We all have wireless modems anyway and prefer to connect that way. Ha Ha! Victory is MINE!

So we are thinking about adding a roommate or two. If we add this one guy, then he can either split the large bedroom with me (trust me, there will be no nudity or hanky panky), or he can take the livingroom. If we add two, one will share with me, and the other can take the living room, or they can split the living room. Either way, that's less in rent and utilities for me to pay. It was Annie's idea, but Lauren and I agree that it's okay and even a good idea. Now we're thinking about taking a trip to LA where the beaches are warmer. And staying with a friend of Annie's who lives near Hollywood in a neighborhood with famous people. Oh, the excitement!

And Amanda, I promise to put up some photos of Cali very soon. :)

Third Posting from Cali! (still nothing new comes to mind)

Why is it I suddenly can't sleep? Is it the nightmares? Maybe. They weren't SO bad, but they were very stressful. Too close to reality. Maybe I just slept too much over the past few days while in the depth of my depression. I'm still exhausted, though.

I am feeling better, though. I talked to Mama and she told me to get a movie and some chocolate. And J called. We chatted about our similar depression issues. We chatted about boys and how wonderful and stupid they can be. She said Pride and Prejudice was an awesome movie for helping put life in perspective. The bad guys get their comeupance and the good guys have happy endings. Always a good thing. I can say that I wish life were like that, but I rather think it is. I've seen the things that happen to people who hurt others to feel better about themselves. They are miserable their whole lives and never get whatever it is they need to be happy, regardless of the successes they achieve. I can't really think of a worse fate than that. On the other hand, good people don't necessarily get the good things they deserve. Well... Maybe they do, but they seem to get more than their fair share of excrement in life, too. (See how PC I'm being? I didn't say they get fucked too often. Oops. Damn.) Now I'm being philosophical. Time to start drinking.

Anyway. Last night I went out and got a movie (okay two) and some chocolate. And we stopped by and got a carton of ice cream. Oh, Heaven! We had some while we watched the movie. It was sooooo much fun. I got to do some crochet also. So I was feeling a lot better.

Mama had her second interview this morning. It's down to her and one other applicant. Even if she doesn't get this one she has gained a lot of confidence about her hireability. She knows she can get the sort of job she wants. She just has to keep trying and be confident. I do hope she gets this one, though, so she can stop looking. But it may be as much a pain in the butt to have this job as to keep looking and find one with someone more laid back. But the person is calling the references now. I think Mama probably has the best references. Her references can speak about her interpersonal skills, and her quick learning ability, and how she then becomes expert enough to teach others, and how smart she is. And if that's not perfect for any employer, then I don't know what is.

Second Posting from Cali (I will need something more original soon)

My borrowed internet connection is working at the moment, so I think I'll take advantage and write something. I have recovered somewhat from my wild depression of yesterday. I only woke up crying in the middle of the night once. Boy, that does sound pathetic. But really, I am feeling better. My team won the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Yay Canes! My condolances to the hard playing Oilers. I didn't get to see it, but the updates on ESPN.com were pretty exciting.

I have a lot to do today. But I still can't get out of bed. I spent the last hour reading the news and reading updated knitters blogs. I think my knitting stuff should arrive today. I had a crochet project to finish, so that's what I took with me on the plane, but I soon learned that while I love crocheting, I still need to satisfy my knitting cravings. Thankfully I have a fabulous Mama who kindly sent me my knitting First Class. Strangely enough, the packages are arriving by order of weight, heaviest to lightest. Can't get my brain around that one. It's the complex networking of the Postal System. I just don't know the algorithms for it. I wonder if anyone truely does... I also need to get a bus pass so I can go anywhere I want. I have the urge to go to Walmart to buy movies so I have something to watch at night, but since I'm trying to be frugal I have refrained. Be amazed at my self control.

I'm getting tired of reading theory. So I think I'll go in and do some programming today. I do need to evolve a new core. And since I'm set up to print I can print out the rest of my assigned readings.

Okay, I'll go shower (you're welcome to all who have to smell me today), and get out of here. Maybe later I'll add some pictures to my blog.

First posting from Cali!

I'm finally taking some time to post something, and I figured I'd try this new blog site. I like LiveJournal, but...

So Livermore is really nice. It's hot here, but it hasn't been that bad. We have a nice breeze and the air smells sweet.

I'm really depressed. I miss my Brandy Wyne. She was the best border collie ever born; she was an angel. But I guess she really is now. Mama was right. She thought it would hit me hard once I got out here that she's gone. Things were too hectic and stressful at the time. I had enough trouble getting out of bed every morning to just keep going as it was. I guess I was so used to just pushing forward that I did it with her death, too. Now that I don't have to focus on just surviving, I can deal with losing her. Even though she wasn't in any pain from the cancer eating her alive, it still feels like the cruelest thing in the world to have happen. And I want her back with her soul and personality intact, but with the cancer gone. I can't have that. All I want is to hold her again.

What a cheery first blog. Wow, I'll bet you're happy you read this.

I did figure out a real plan for my Ph.D thesis. And I made a new contact with a real expert in the field who wants to be added as a co-advisor. He is the tank guy who gave one of our colloquia at Notre Dame and put random tank trivia in his presentation to keep us all awake. People still talk about him. His university is in Australia, so I may bet to go there some time. Which I would totally love! Traveling more would be wonderful.

Alex spent half the night in my room last night. Mama went looking for him and there he was, and he wouldn't leave to go sleep with her. It makes me really happy that he loves me so much, but I'm sad that he's so unhappy I'm gone. He's such a loving bundle of white fur! Kelsey is still moping about me being gone. She hears me on the phone, wags her tail a little, and walks away. She likes to hear my voice because it's the only contact with me she has for now, but it reminds her I'm not there.

Okay, now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone who reads this, I'm going to go read some stuff on helium shell flashes.