Warning: Another Depressing Post

Today was a tough day. I'm having serious pms, which is probably the main problem. While in Berkeley today, we (Lauren, Annie, Ying, and I) were sitting outside an eatery eating when this dog wandered up. I couldn't tell right away, but I figured out later that the dog's people were there with the lady inside and the guy outside with the dog, but letting him wander somewhat. So the dog wanders around, and I'm wondering if he/she is a stray since he/she had no collar and was eating crumbs and looking intently for more. I had just eaten my piece of pizza to the crust. I looked at the dog, a big dark gray sheepdog, and Lauren immediately said, "No. Don't do it. He's not skinny, so he must belong to someone." She knew I was thinking how much this friendly, pretty, rather old dog might like my crust. I gave it to him/her anyway. He/She wandered back over to the guy, wandered back toward the door of the eatery and back. He/She looked at me and smiled a huge friendly smile, a thank you for the crust. No begging for more, just thank you for the crust. His/Her lady came out the door and he/she went over to her and then followed her to a table where she and the guy started eating. The old dog with terrible arthritis in both back legs sat under the woman's chair and smiled happily and watched the goings on around him/her. He/She reminded me of my Brandy Wyne. She always had a happy smile around people. She always thanked you for giving her good things and didn't beg for more. She always wanted to be near me or Mama and was happy just to hang out. She was old and gray haired in the face. She had bad arthritis in her hips. And she had that same happy, joyous, grateful, loving, open smile. God's smile. I started crying a little and tried to get a hold of myself. I called Mama and told her about it. I talked to Kelsey and Alex on the phone. Alex rar-rarred me when I told him I loved him. He does that only when I tell him I love him, so I think he's trying to say it back. That cheered me up a bit. Then at the Ikea, I started having some sort of panic attack. I had taken two Excedrin for my headache and I think it made me anxious. I was able to basically calm down enough to not freak out, but I was on edge. I found a stuffed whale, black and white and huge. It was soft. And it brought to mind my black-and-whites, and how I wanted to hug Brandy and tell her I love her. Reminded me of how I used to hug her, and how at night anymore that's all I want to do. Hold her. Hug her. Tell her I love her. Even dead I love that girl without limits, and I do feel like I'm missing a part of myself without her. I was able to pray about it, though. It's the first time I was able to look to God for comfort. That's something at least. I can't wait to get home and be with my family again. I can't hold Brandy, but I can hold Kelsey and Alex and Tigger.