Me

I'm still learning about myself. I am a romantic. Scott told me I was, but I didn't believe him, then. I do believe in love. I do believe in nice guys. I don't believe in happily ever after. I guess that's the fly in the ointment. I just watched a movie that had to do with love. I don't believe in playing hard to get. I don't believe in being easy. I just believe in honesty. So now what? I need to figure out who I am. There was I time when I knew that. When I was young, I knew. Then I just survived. For years I just hung on waiting. And then we were free, and I could be me again. And I thought I knew. But, I wasn't sure anymore. Now and then I get a glimpse of me, through the dark. I like what I see, and who I am. And then I'm not that person again. Some people see that person I see. The person I am for others. That person isn't the person I am to myself. Others see the person that I am to myself, and they try to help me. They still like me, love me even, but they hate how I treat myself and the way I let myself down. So why mention this in the context of love and relationships? Because most of this comes from how I view men and how I think men view me. I know that nice guys exist. I know some. But usually, I think that when a man looks at me he's thinking that I'm unattractive and not that smart, and only good for one thing. That's not fair to men. While some are like that, many are not. My dad was. And I loved him. And that's what he told me he thought I was. I know he's wrong. Now if I could just feel that he was wrong. I think I should move to a place where there are only women and gay guys for a while. Remove sexual tension, and then learn how to deal with them. Until then, I think I will just try to be friends, and not let myself get any deeper than that. Then I can't be crushed or used. I wonder if I can. Maybe I'll dare myself. ;)