Well, it was cooler today than it's been in over a week. Unlike the previous week, we didn't wake to temps over 100, but it did get there this afternoon. Still felt so much better. I don't have a migraine anymore, thank God. The heat is just murder. Mama used to say the heat made her physically sick, and I never understood. But now I do. She was right. I just have no energy in heat like that; I'm tired all the time. I can handle the 90's, but once in triple digits, I can't drink enough water to keep up. And then the migraine comes and doesn't go until the heat is gone. I've never had a migraine last for days like that. Poor Janessa. Thankfully she doesn't get them very often anymore.
I went into the office today and I found Hope had left an article on my desk concerning the ignorant idea that women are under-represented in the sciences because of inate limitations. It was really good. The article may be found here:
http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v442/n7099/index.html It is in Nature Vol 442 13 July 2006. The title is "Does Gender Matter" and it's by Ben A. Barres. I think it is very good. If you have a subscription, or access to this article, I highly suggest reading it. And anyone who still thinks women don't succeed because they "think differently" from men are just burying their heads in the sand. Try making that arguement about black or hispanic people and see how that flies. Anyway. Thanks to Hope Ishii for passing the article on to me.
Dave came in also, and we talked about the next step in my project. It's so cool. I actually do understand what's going on, even if I am not sure how to manipulate the tools to get it to go that way. Yet. I'm working on it.
Annie and I made a junk food run. Yes, Mama, I am aware that it leads to mood swings, but mostly when I forget to take my pills. We got ice cream and chocolate. Awesome! Godiva chocolate ice cream with chocolate hearts. Death by oral orgasm! That came out wrong, but you get the idea.
We hosted this week's Bible Study. We had a good talk, but I feel a bit ... unsatisfied somehow. I don't know. I really don't feel like anything, for me, was accomplished by this week's discussion. I still think sometimes God does give you more than you can handle. But maybe that is when God carries you, even though your grief separates your heart from God so that you don't feel Him there. And the opinions of some of the others about how if you commit suicide that you are always sinful, or that at some point on the path you made a bad/sinful choice, and that by not relying on the "knowledge" that God won't give you more than you can handle because it says so in the Bible somewhere, your lack of faith damns you. I think that's not right. Maybe correct in some cases, but not all. If your lack of faith allows you to get to the point of such despair that suicide seems the best option, I don't think that lack of faith damns you. Just because you "should have" turned to God to "save" you, doesn't mean that you are damned because you didn't. I have had more than my fair share of pain, none of which was in my control, but instead at the hands of others. I am not tainted by sin because I wondered if living was worth it. I never would have taken my own life, because I did believe that it was a sin, but there are others who cannot survive the things I've been through, and I cannot condemn them for their weakness. In fact, it is their weakness that makes them worthy and in need of my compassion. Compassion, not excuse. Does that make me more compassionate than God? Of course not. I cannot believe that God would so condemn a soul in agony. If you have no where to turn, and no relief in sight, and are crazed by pain and grief, it is not right to withhold mercy and compassion. The Lord of the Old Testament might be this way, but not the Father of Jesus, not Jesus Himself, and not the Holy Spirit. I have reached my own breaking point, and have people and God to rely upon. That doesn't mean that it's in any way okay for me to be burdened this way, for any reason. I am angry that God has allowed these things to happen. I have not healed from the pain of my life with my father. I have not healed from these new assaults on my soul. I will survive it. But what is the point of my suffering? So that I know I can survive? So that I grow in strength? Ridiculous. I don't know why I'm made to suffer, but it isn't because I lack faith in God. I know God is here to help me. But God has given me more than I can bear, and I am angry for it. I still love God. But I am devastated, and I am angry. How many traumas can I survive in one life? I guess we'll find out. Why is it that I am the one put near people of extreme violence? Why do these people attack me? Because I'm there. Is it that most people are subjected to traumas like mine? Is that what I am to learn? That the world and majority of people are violated in every way possible by people around them? That seems wrong, and yet, this is what I know. Wow. I guess I did know why I felt unsettled and disgruntled by tonight's Bible Study group. Where's the Love, Y'all? http://www.songme.com/b/black_eyed_peas/various_songs.html
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hmmm. A little harsh and lacking in tact, but nonetheless, not without truth.
They do seem to be people who haven't suffered much in their lives, at least no major traumas they've ever mentioned. They see to think they can just logic it through any problem they have, and some of them are far more emotional than I am. I know I need to lean on my faith, but sometimes it isn't that easy. And I doubt that God is so harsh on them as they are on other people and themselves.
Post a Comment